‘Orange Is the New Black’ Season 4, Episode 5 Recap: Of Grand Theft Auto, CorrectiCons, and Shower Poopers

(Photos: Netflix)

Warning: This recap for the “We’ll Always Have Baltimore” episode of Orange Is the New Black contains spoilers.

Maritza Ramos, it turns out, is not as ditzy as she may have led everyone to believe. In this, the first-ever Maritza flashback episode, we learn what might have landed Flaca’s BFF in the hoosegow: grand theft auto. Not the videogame… the actual theft of a very, very expensive sports car.

The flashback begins with Maritza working in a club, as a bottle service waitress. She dishing up legitimate libations to some, but to others, she’s delivering bottles of fancy vodka filled with water. She then “accidentally” drops them in front of groups of gullible guys, who offer to pay for the bottle — $300 — after she fake cries about her fear of getting fired.

The scam works, but one of her marks threatens to rat her out to her boss. When she admits what she did, he instead offers her the chance to make $50,000 on one grift. Her new con will still involve duping trusting men. This time, she hangs out, in a tight, skimpy dress, at a luxury auto dealership. She tries to find a man who, as her flimflam coach advises, will consider himself lucky that a woman as attractive as her is talking to him. When she does, she pretends to be a salesperson and flirts with him before offering to take him on a test drive. He agrees, she gets his drivers license, and takes it to the dealership rep, saying she’s the mark’s wife. They drive off, she continues to flirt, and right before they return to the lot, she gets behind the wheel. She pulls up to the dealership door to let the mark out, then she keeps driving… fast and far away in the car, with the poor sap and his driver’s license responsible for the cost of the stolen vehicle.

The first time Ms. Ramos tries it… it works. Eventually. She finds a mark, the recently divorced, low self-esteem-having Edward Spencer, at a Ferrari dealership, and gets him into a new Maserati. Just as they’re buckling up and ready to drive away — buzzkill — an actual salesman gets in the backseat. As the three drive along, with Edward at the wheel, the salesman starts to ask questions that quickly puncture Maritza’s cover with both of them (i.e., she’s not married to Edward, nor is she a salesperson). But always a quick thinker, she all of a sudden pretends to be sick as they’re driving, and asks Edward to pull over. She bolts out of the car, drops down on a lawn, and pretends to throw up. When Edward and the salesman get out of the car to check on her, she quickly dashes to the driver’s side, gets in, and speeds away. The two men have time to do nothing but stand there in shock as she drives off, until the salesman finally asks, “So, how will you be paying?”

Back to the present: Maritza is not only the person who comes up with the only plausible idea for how Maria can smuggle her used panties inventory outside the prison — via the prison van, which Maritza drives — but she also shows her ability to come up with a snappy comeback when new CO Lee Dixon asks driver supervisor Coates if he’s going to “dip your doughnut in Ramos?”

Maritza to Dixon: “You know what gets me so hot? It’s when guys compare me to breakfast, and when they talk about me like I’m not even here. How about you call me ‘that oatmeal in the front seat,’ and I’ll be so yours.”

“Dude, she totally stepped on your balls!” one of the other guards tells Dixon.

Dude, she so did.

Elsewhere in Litchfield (and beyond):

* The latest problem caused by the new influx of inmates: dwindling supplies, including a horrifying dearth of feminine hygiene products. The free ones handed out to the inmates are gone — deemed an “inessential” product by the purchasing powers that be (which, as we know, is Linda!). A box of 10 tampons in the commissary costs $10, and the inmates make just 10 cents an hour, so, to paraphrase Frieda’s murder math, prison tampon math adds up to some of the women having to resort to using their sleep masks as sanitary napkins, or trying to buy them, for $3-5 each, on credit from the inmates lucky enough to be able to afford them. It’s enough to make you run to CVS to stockpile a hoard of your own, just like Elaine did with the Today sponge on Seinfeld.

* Caputo and Linda, head of the MCC purchasing department, roadtrip to Baltimore for CorrectiCon, which is exactly what it sounds like: a convention for people working in the correctional institute industry, complete with panels, merch (Laser guns! Drones! Mr. John port-a-potties!), and swag bags. Linda is super into the event, serving on a panel, shooting a male friend in the junk during a laser gun trial, and nearly drooling when she and Caputo run into warden/prison whisperer Kip Carnigan, who is to the CorrectiCon gang what Norman Reedus and Andy Lincoln are to a Walking Dead fan gathering. In a preview of things to come, Carnigan whispers to Caputo that he’s “a lucky man,” referring to Linda, who later uses the toy handcuffs from her swag bag on Caputo, and has sex with him in a convention center storage room.

* Sometimes it’s like the OITNB writers are daring us to hate Piper Chapman even more. Exhibit A: She’s accidentally become the leader of white supremacists at the prison. After she witnesses Piscatella getting upset about graffiti on a prison wall, she decides to plant a bug in his ear, suggesting the graffiti is the handiwork of the Latina inmates, thus making trouble for her used panty business rival, Maria Ruiz. But Piscatella turns the tip into a reason to profile the inmates, and when Chapman later organizes a “community carer” (people who care) meeting, her talk of potential gang violence and “keeping our hallways clear and our hearts pure of purpose” sparks Leanne to shout out that “you can’t swing a cat around here lately without hitting a dirty Dominican,” and the next thing you know, the whole group of “carers” is shouting “White lives matter! White lives matter!” as Piper looks on (and her “bodyguard, Hapakuka, wisely slips out the back door). That’s gonna be trouble.

* While the Caputo’s away, the Taystee will play: She’s supposed to be filing while Caputo’s at CorrectiCon, but instead, she tries to guess his computer password so she can run amuck on the Internet. She gets in — the password is “sideboobrulez,” of course — and finds, as one does, that one innocent search turns into hours down various information rabbit holes. In Taystee’s case, it means finding naughty pics when she types in Poussey Washington’s name (along with a photo of a cat dressed like the first POTUS), a Sideboob performance video, and a true classic, that hamster eating a tiny burrito. She also hatches a money-making idea when she sees photos of Judy King in a celeb weekly magazine, and searches the Internet for info on how much money can be made from selling a photo of a celebrity.

* Morello, who is now referring to her non-touching marital relations with Vince as “word sex,” has teamed with Crazy Eyes to find “The Shower Pooper,” an inmate who occasionally leaves a nasty surprise in the stalls. “Heft, density, hue… it’s as personal as a signature, if you think about it,” Suzanne says. “We need to catch this person before she strikes again. One starts by following every angle, examining every clue, by seeing patterns and behavior no one else can see, ‘til finally you catch the pooper in a trap of her own making.”

“You mean, like detectives?” Morello asks, setting this new comedic duo off to sleuth out the poopy perp.

Questions: We Got a Few

* Why, Shower Pooper?! Whyyyyyy, when there are already so many unpleasantries, to say the least, with the overcrowding, the dwindling supplies, the crappy food, the aggressively antagonist guards. Would you add this one more bit of literal and figurative s–tiness to the day of your fellow Litchfieldians?

* This isn’t the last we’re going to see of Danny Pearson, right? The Season 3 warden — ahem, “Director of Human Activities” — of Litchfield makes a surprise reappearance, interrupting Linda’s “Walk the (Bottom) Line: Harnessing the Power of Purchasing” panel at CorrectiCon to rail against the conditions of the bunks and food at Litchfield, and asking why Sophia Burset is still in the SHU for no reason. He causes such a ruckus that the convention’s “rent-a-cop” security detail removes him from the session, along with Caputo, who had tried to defuse the situation and help Pearson. Both are thrown in CorrectiCon jail temporarily after the brouhaha, but Pearson — son of MCC honcho Jack Pearson — says he has a website (Dannytalkstruth.com) devoted to shedding light on MCC’s treatment of its inmates.

* Just how rotten is Linda? Danny Pearson called her “Satan,” so…

* Is Brook Soso the worst character in the history of television? OK, maybe not. Is she the worst character in the history of non-traditional network streaming television? Discuss. She did sorta try to help Aleida prepare for her GED exam, but ultimately proved she couldn’t even do that without being intensely annoying.

* Maritza’s car scene with Edward/”Teddy” is kinda reminiscent of Julia Robert’s car scene with Richard Gere in Pretty Woman… Gere’s character’s name was also Edward. Coincidence, or a subtle shoutout?

She Said, He Said

“One time, I ran out of tampons, so I used one of them dinosaur just-add-water sponges for kids. It was really fun. It was like, ‘Oh, I wonder what this will be? Ohhhh, brontosaurus rex!’” — Angie sharing with Leanne her disturbing, but definitely creative solution to an empty tampon box. P.S. No vouching for the absorbency, but these dinosaur sponges are cheaper than commissary tampons.

“We got these Nerf-style guard batons, and so anytime anyone said something stupid in a staff meeting, we would just whale on them. Until the incident with Greg’s eye…” — Linda, excitedly describing past CorrectiCon swag to Caputo, and making viewers unsure of who to feel more sorry for: her, or this Greg character.

“You don’t want them getting too essential.” — Linda, telling Caputo why she has had 29 assistants, and advising him to fire his every three months.

“That man is a hero, and history will acknowledge that!” — Piscatella to Bayley, who dares to question the philosophies of former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani.

“It’s pure brotein.” — Aggressively creepy new Litchfield guard Lee Dixon, describing the “Fallujah Omelet,” the pre-shift beverage of choice of he and his fellow military vet COs. The recipe: a raw egg, followed by a shot of Jagermeister.

“It’s Yessica. Like Jessica, but ethnic.” — Maritza, telling a club patron her name.

“My mom always said she knew my dad wanted to have sex when he didn’t ask for seconds at dinner. And my dad said he knew my mom wanted sex when she got me and my sister Blockbuster videos. I always wanted to know someone that well.” — Suzanne’s wistful remembrance to Morello.

“I’ve had a beard since 10th grade. Two beards, actually. The one on my face, and the one I took to junior prom. Yeah, I like dudes. I will never find you adorable. Keep that in mind.” — Piscatella, letting Chapman know that he knows she was working him, and that her gaydar may be on the fritz.

“As long as it’s in the budget.” — Linda, to Caputo, after he’s inspired by Kip Carnigan’s speech to say he wants to create an environment at Litchfield where the inmates’ lives feel full. Though she’s dropping clues on a regular basis about how much she cares about MCC’s inmates (read: not at all), Caputo isn’t yet seeing the real Linda.

“You don’t even know what you are. You are the Mickey Mantle of MCC. You are the Cy Young of correctional purchasing.” — Caputo, to Linda, to calm her nervousness about the CorrectiCon panel she’s on.

“If you wanna see who stepped on your civil liberties, check under your own boot.” — Piscatella, essentially telling Gloria she has no rights as a prisoner, when she complains to him that his guards are only performing body searches on the Latina inmates, and that they’re being extra handsy while they’re performing them.

“I know you did not just call me a money lender! ‘Cuz that right there would be hate speech.” — Black Cindy, when one of the inmates wants to buy a tampon from her and pay her later.

“I knew you were in bed with my father, but I didn’t know you were in bed with Satan herself.” — Danny Pearson to Caputo, referring to Linda.

Behind Bars:

* Among the panels at CorrectiCon: “Media Scandals: Turning Scandals into Scandal-Aid”; “Prison Health Care Rights and Wrongs: Taking Max to the Max”; “Immigration Violations: The Next Goldmine”; and, the best, “Shanks for the Memories: A History of Prison Weapons.”

* Alison Abdullah has a big secret hidden under her head scarf: She’s got a cell phone she uses to text her daughter, Farah.

* Caputo has a coffee mug on his desk that says, “Best. Guitarist. Ever.” You just know Sideboob’s ax man bought it for himself, a la Michael Scott’s “World’s Best Boss” mug on The Office.

* Suzanne insists that whoever The Shower Pooper is, she isn’t dropping her kids off at the pool shower, so to speak, during peak shower use times, lest she be an “exhibitionist pooper,” or a “poopscabitionist.”

Orange Is the New Black Season 4 is streaming on Netflix.

Read more OITNB recaps:

‘Orange Is the New Black’ Season 4, Episode 1 Recap: Over Alex’s Dead Body

‘Orange Is the New Black’ Season 4, Episode 2 Recap: There’s Something About Maria

‘Orange Is the New Black’ Season 4, Episode 3 Recap: A Soso Episode

‘Orange Is the New Black’ Season 4, Episode 4 Recap: ‘I Know Everything That Goes on Here’