Does anyone actually care what happened on this week’s The Voice results-show telecast? No, that’s not (entirely) my bitter commentary on the producers’ annoying decision to place most of our collective viewer power back in the hands of the judges — who got to cut one of their final four singers on Monday, and then were able to choose between their two lowest vote-getters on Tuesday, as America’s top choice sailed through to fight another week.
Rather, I’m wondering if anyone could focus on anything other than Justin Bieber dropping by for a “surprise” visit to premiere a snippet of his new video, “Boyfriend.” [Insert eardrum-shattering squeal here.] Let me repeat that in my best Oprah Winfrey bellow: JUSTIN! BIEBER! VIDEO! SNIPPET! PREMIEEEREEE! Not only that, we were treated to the “musical” stylings of five rakish gentlebots who came from the same supersecret factory in Uppsala, Sweden, that produced the Bieb. (Okay, maybe I’m just being bitchy because I’m jealous of their hair.)
Voice host Carson Daly — who it should be said, will never win an acting Emmy — pretended to “spontaneously” invite Bieber back to peform on The Voice finale, as if everything that happens on The Voice and everything that happens in the life of Justin Bieber, isn’t carefully conceived, planned, and executed at least six months in advance.
In any event, the evening’s other noteworthy moment came when Xtina failed to forcefully and succinctly explain why she cut early fave Jesse Campbell after his self-immolating rendition of “Halo” on Monday. ”I am no stranger to controversy, and I am okay with that,” she declared, before she heard someone in the crowd shout “I love you,” and she was forced to assume the fetal position, pop her thumb in her mouth, and babble like a baby . I wish she’d just said, “Did you guys hear him on Monday? Dude was not on pitch, and honestly, his ‘What a Wonderul World’ two weeks ago wasn’t all that, either!”
But enough about the Passion of the Xtina, let’s talk results:
Voted Through by America
Chris Mann (oh, America, when did you develop an unseemly taste for runaway vibrato?)
Lindsey Pavao: Mike Posner’s “Please Don’t Go” — This was like the most musical kitten-mewling ever. And I think I mean that in a positive way? In any event, it made Xtina cry, and you know with the amount of makeup girlfriend wears, she’s not one to fake her tears.
Ashley de la Rosa: Lady Gaga’s “You and I” — Not sure the deliberately staccato, guitar-fueled pace added much to
Haley Reinhart Gaga’s hit, nor did it provide much of a vocal showcase for young Ashley. But come on: This underdog was indisputably the best of Monday’s eight performances. Shouldn’t that be enough for the save?
Voted Through by America
Jermaine Paul (brace yourselves, Voice fans: more melodies will be brutalized in the coming weeks!)
Erin Willet: Tina Turner’s rendition of CCR’s “Proud Mary” — A big, muscular vocal, although not a particularly original one.
RaeLynn: The Band Perry’s “If I Die Young” — There’s something disconcerting about this child and her froofy pageant skirts and cranky old lady facial expressions, like some day she’ll end up dancing on the beach, makeup running down her face, after tormenting her housebound sister. In all seriousness, though, I felt like RaeLynn was more on pitch, but significantly less interesting, tackling a quieter, more intimate tune than we’ve seen to date on the live shows.
Erin Willett (who did her best to comfort her “I ain’t having it!” competitor)
What did you think of this week’s results? Sound off in the comments, and for all my reality TV news, interviews, and recaps, follow me on Twitter @MichaelSlezakTV!