What would Ryan Lochte do? Let's let the gold medal-winning Olympic swimmer speak for himself.
"Don't duplicate," he warns on his upcoming E! reality show. "Just recipitate."
Mmmkay, Ryan, we'll take that under advisement.
The nearly-five-minute teaser for "What Would Ryan Lochte Do?" shows Lochte showing off his "Lochte edge" shoes (but can't explain what "Lochte edge" is), partying, hitting on women, training with a hangover, and (poorly) playing golf. And of course, there are the gratuitous ab shots; E! clearly wants to play up his muscular physique, since the first promo image had Lochte wearing a drenched, clinging T-shirt.
But best of all, we get to hear Lochte's (made-up) words of wisdom.
Like, how to pronounce his catchphrase, "jeah." As Lochte notes, "If you say it like how it's spelled, it's 'jeah.' But that's boring -- no one wants to hear that. So you really have to put that enfidence on that 'J.'"
We're positive that 'enfidence' is not an actual English-language word. Did Lochte mean to say 'emphasis' or was he purposely creating another new word to add to his book o' catchphrases?
Reactions to the trailer range from excitement over watching train-wreck TV to utter disgust that Lochte has a reality show. Gawker snarks, "It looks, frankly, amazing. Ryan Lochte is 'Newlyweds' Season 1-era Jessica Simpson with Hulk strength. He is Pauly D from 'Jersey Shore' without the nuance and self-awareness. He is 'Britney & Kevin: Chaotic,' but in a swimming pool."
I think Ryan Lochte's show will be my new guilty pleasure.— Mike Corpuz (@mikeecorpuz) March 27, 2013
Ryan Lochte is sexy..but having his own show? Taking it too far.— Skylar Wilson (@ThunderThighSky) March 27, 2013
Anderson Cooper shared the clip with his "Anderson Live" audience commenting, "[Ryan Lochte] has this saying like, jeah. It's annoying and it's on his license plate, which makes it doubly annoying to me. The whole show seems to be just following him around as he drinks and tries to pick up women. I mean, can I get twenty seconds of my life back?"
Aside from making up new words, Lochte forgets how many medals he won at last year's Olympics (for the record: two golds, two silvers, and one bronze), drinks, hangs out with his crew, and trots out one-liners on the ladies. "Going out looking for a date -- I don't have to do that," he boasts. "They come to me."
Lochte is shown wooing a couple of women mumbling, "Wanna go out to dinner?" One of the gals questions if this line has worked before, while the other asks if he'll be cooking. "Oh, hell no!," he responds. She cringes -- and so do we.
The swimmer claims to be looking for love … sort of. "I want to settle down, I want to find that one I can spend the rest of my life with," Lochte tells his BFF and personal assistant, Gene. "I just don't see that s--- happening anytime soon."
He might be a hard-partying playboy, but Lochte's also got a softer side, seen with his mother and sister Kristin. At one point, he affectionately blows on Mom's hair (is that a thing?), and cries over how much they mean to him. "I remember the first time I won a gold medal, I did something that I never thought I would be able to," he says, as tears well up in his eyes, "and having my family there to support me was everything."
Will you be watching Ryan Lochte's new reality show? Should he be the next "Bachelor"?