Quick, grab ahold of your head and stop it from spinning!
Now, are you ready to discuss the Season 4 finale of Glee? Good, because on tonight’s menu we’ve got a very big exit, a wedding, a breakup, the revelation of a massive (if not particularly well-concealed) secret and the musical stylings of Jessica Flippin’ Sanchez. (Side Note: Jessica’s new song “Gentlemen,” from her Me, You & The Music CD, is in my humble opnion, the most radio-ready single to come from an Idol grad’s debut album in the history of the Fox reality franchise. Ch-ch-check it out on iTunes, yo!)
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OK, with that Idoloonie-approved sales plug out of the way, let’s cut to the major plot points from the Season 4 finale, “All or Nothing.”
RACHEL! | Dial 9-1-1, because The Lady Berry absolutely murdered Celine Dion’s “To Love You More” (in the best possible way) at her Funny Girl callback. And then…well, as the song “War” goes, absolutely nothing (say it again!). Nope, the action never returned to our misty-eyed NYADA freshman or her big Broadway dreams. And while that may have seemed a little too cruel for fans of Lea Michele, it certainly sets up a cliffhanger-type situation going into Season 5.
BRITTANY! | As teased in last week’s promos, the finale began with Brittany getting her early acceptance to MIT (that’s Massachusetts Institute for Technology, not the Miami Institute for Tumbling, bee tee dubs). MIT’s dean declared Ms. Pierce had scribbled something in crayon on the back of her math test that might be “the most important scientific breakthrough of the 21st century,” leading to a text-message breakup with Sam (you can’t text-message breakup!), Brittany’s dramatic farewell to the Cheerios, New Directions and William McKinley High School and a Sam-calling-Santana plea for help. After a chat with Santana, Brittany admitted to burning her bridges as a way to cope with the fact that MIT wanted her to leave Lima immédiatement — and her needing to jump on it before the invite got revoked. Does this mean that a pregnant Heather Morris won’t be back in Season 5? As my colleague Michael Ausiello teased in his Ask Ausiello column earlier this week…actually, why not just click this link for that intel? Anyhow…Brittany gave a sweet farewell speech in the pre-performance circle at Regionals, but it looks like she’s indeed Boston-bound.
CATFISHING! | Sweet, sweet, sweet Marley took the fall for The Catfishing of Ryder Lynn (a future Lifetime movie), but only to protect her pal Unique. But friendship’s a two-way street, and Unique eventually ‘fessed up to her trickery. Ryder didn’t punch her in the face, but said he’d never speak to her again. So what about that post-Regionals celebratory hug?
MARRIAGE! | Will and Emma got married — in the choir room — right at episode’s end! (Glad those two crazy kids made it work, and glad to see Jayma Mays, who killed it all season with limited screentime.) And despite his moon-eyed teenage dream of marrying Kurt, Blaine held off on a proposal (after Sam tried to talk him out of it, and that nice lesbian couple down at the jewelry shop agreed to be his relationship spirit animals, or something to that effect). The ladies (Patty Duke and Meredith Baxter) got engaged, though. And Blaine had a ring in a box — what’s he gonna do with it? The moral of the story: Everybody loves Breadstix.
REGIONALS! | New Directions pulled off the win, despite stiff competition from the Hoosierdaddies and their powerful little sprite Frida Romero. Damn that Jessica Sanchez’s voice came right through the TV screen and slapped me upside the head. Can she maybe enroll in NYADA in the fall? Yes, please!
LETTER GRADES FOR TONIGHT’S PERFORMANCES
Rachel: Celine Dion’s “To Love You More” | Grade: A+
Frida Romero & The Hoosierdaddies: Zedd feat. Foxes’ “Clarity” | Grade: B+
Frida Romero & The Hoosierdaddies: Little Mix’s “Wings” | Grade: A
Guys of New Directions: The Script’s “Hall Of Fame” | Grade: A-
Ladies of New Directions: Icona Pop’s “I Love It” | Grade: C+ (love this song, but why so much Auto-Tune on this cover?)
Marley, Blaine and New Directions: “All or Nothing” | Grade: B
Brittany comparing Joe to a “Yucatan Sweater Monkey”
“Nobody’s going to admit it — for fear of being murdered.” –Kitty, casting a side-eye at Ryder’s angry demands to know who was the Catfishing perpetrator
“He wants to do me, but we’re just friends.” –Sam talking about Blaine to the nice jewelry-store lady
“It smells like someone poured chardonnay on a homeless woman who’d been dead several days.” –Sue, dissing Brittany’s fondue
“Just in case you’re wondering, Michael Bolton is a fantastic lover.” –Sue, admitting who’s the father of her child
“My name’s Joe.” –Joe, after Brittany bade farewell to him as “Jim”
And on that note, I turn things over to you. What did you think of “All or Nothing”? Which story arcs made you happy and which ones left you scratching your head? Are you going to be stressing all summer over the Rachel cliffhanger? And will you miss Brittany if she doesn’t return? Sound off in the comments! And for all the Glee news, commentary and spoilers your heart desires, follow @TVLine on Twitter!