Welcome to the "Let's bash on Brandi" segment of this three-part "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" reunion -- but at least in her case, she bites back. Thank God for her, or else we would have fallen asleep during the episode.
What Not to Wear
Brandi had to defend her itty-bitty bikini, her nipple-exposing tops, and her borderline skanky outfits, and she did so with aplomb. Her response to all the critiques was that she always dresses how she feels -- comfortable and confident -- and "at least I had a top on." Also, her definition of what's too far? Exposing your labia. So watch out, because we've got a feeling Season 3 will show even more skin.
Kill or Be Killed
Taylor, who is currently more than a little sensitive about the subject of death (and understandably so), took the utmost offense to Brandi saying she wanted to kill Kyle. We'd be in jail for life if we were convicted every time we said we could just kill someone. Some things are jokes, people. Lighten up.
When did people get so uppity about etiquette? They spent at least 10 minutes of the episode harping on whether a dog should drink out of a champagne flute, and how knowing information made you guilty.
When Andy did his James Lipton impression, the best profanity that Camille could come up with was "poopy stink"? Camille, are you 5 years old?
Lunch and Learn
Everyone was shocked that Taylor and Lisa became insta-friends after the tea party, and Camille was insulted that Taylor threw her under the bus for "not having her back." She thinks that Taylor was the instigator there, even though she was crying about Lisa not being her enemy.
Do You Believe the Dead Guy?
Brandi is a font of gossip -- can we keep her around, always? She exposed Adrienne for talking behind Lisa's back, and she said that Russell told her that Taylor forced him to send the email to Camille. Russell claimed he felt bad because he liked Camille. If looks could kill, Brandi would be dead right now. Taylor insists that Russell was just a master manipulator.
Slash and Burn
The thing we like best about the brassy Brandi is that she just owns all the crap she does, and pulls no punches. When Taylor dragged out a tabloid report about Brandi slitting her ex's tires, Brandi immediately acknowledged that it was true, noting that she owned the motorcycles and thus was destroying half her own property. And when Kyle said Brandi accidentally sent her a text saying that Kyle was the C-word, Brandi fessed up to that, too. Whoops!
By the Book
Brandi was the only one in the room to say that it was more than a little bit weird that Taylor was cashing in on her husband's death by publishing a book "a hot minute" after he committed suicide. Taylor tried to claim it was to help other victims of domestic violence. While that may be true, Brandi may not be completely wrong, either.
Suicide Is Painless?
Andy asked Taylor about the contents of the briefcase found next to Russell and about his also-dead business partner. Taylor hinted that maybe Russell's business partner murdered him, but her answer is saved for next week. Or maybe that's just what the editing was getting at, but still, that could be a pretty libelous pause.
There was more random stuff about Camille not being a bitch and dating a hot guy and Kim and Kyle's awful codependent relationship, but nothing all that exciting. Here's hoping some real fireworks fly next week.
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