Comedy Central's Justin Bieber Roast: The 28 Best Jokes (and 1 Really Tasteless Gag)
Ah, the annual Comedy Central Roast. The one night a year when mere mortals get to watch one of the pretty, rich, and famous people get taken down a notch by a few of their similarly stationed friends and some comically trained strangers. This year’s victim was Justin Bieber, who actually requested this special as a 21st birthday present.
It is possible he regretted it the minute host Kevin Hart opened the show, which taped Saturday night at Sony Studios in Culver City, Calif. and will air later this month, with the promise, “Tonight we are gonna do what parents and the legal system should have done a long time ago — give the boy the ass-whuppin’ he deserves.” Especially when he followed it up with: “Why would you do this? This is like suicide. It’s gonna get dirty and they said to go for it. I want you to sit back, relax, because it’s going to be a great night, man. Not for you, for everybody else. We’re going to have a blast. Justin, you may as well laugh, because it’s too late to turn around and come to your senses.”
To his credit, the child pop star turned monkey-abandoning miscreant seemed to take most of the ribbing pretty well, alternating between slapping his knees, guffawing, cringing, covering his mouth while making oh-no-you-didn’t face, and hugging it out. It probably helped that he got to have the last laugh. “I’m new to comedy, but here’s a joke: What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million? A bunch of has-beens calling you a lesbian for two hours.”
He also used his time at the podium to get serious and make a few promises. “This roast was a dream of mine, a turning point, and if there is one thing I am good at it is making turns. I turned a traffic stop into an assault charge, a bucket into a urinal, a plane into a bong, a Ferrari into a lamppost. I turned a lot of people off over the last few years, but I know I can still turn out good music and turn everything around. You have my word. I will not end up broken, pathetic, bitter, or sitting on somebody else’s roast.”
Related: Check Out Pics From the Red Carpet of ‘The Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber’
Of course, we wish him luck on that long, hard road ahead, but in the meantime, here are the night’s best jokes and jabs — the ones fit to print anyway. For the truly dirty and distasteful one-liners, you’ll have to wait and tune in March 30.
“At 21, he’s the most famous living celebrity in the world. He has over 60 million followers on Twitter, 40 million on Grindr.” — Hart
“My biggest regret is plowing my Maserati into Jeff Ross’s Saturn in the parking lot. Jeff, I feel really bad because I don’t know where you’re going to sleep tonight man.” — Bieber
"Justin’s fan are called beliebers because it’s politically incorrect to use the word retards." — Natasha Legerro
“He’s actually considered American because no Canadian has ever been this big of an a—hole. The man proves we’re protecting the wrong border.” — Hart
“You have a tattoo of Jesus. Why you gotta bring Jesus in your mess? That man has suffered enough.” — Shaquille O’Neal
“Justin has f—ked more models than bulimia. He’s the only thing they swallow and don’t throw back up.” — SNL's Pete Davidson
“Martha, you know you old and shady. Your first sweat shop was shut down by the Emancipation Proclamation.” – Ludacris, to fellow roaster Martha Stewart
“Luda and I [spent] a lot of hours making the song ‘Baby’ together. In fact, he told me it was the only baby he ever made on purpose.” – Justin Bieber
“Snoop, you look like Ludacris going through chemo. You look like dead Splinter from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.” — Chris D’Elia, to fellow roaster Snoop Dogg
“You would never know that Snoop is 43, which is three times as long as actual dogs live and twice as long as most of his friends.” — Stewart
“Snoop is like coolass salamander, like a rejected Mortal Kombat boss. Now you have to fight Fake Crip.” — Hannibal Buress
"Justin, you’ve become a cocky little s—t. You are the King Joffrey of Pop." — Jeffrey Ross
“Usually when I see this many brothers sitting together, Maury Povich is about to open an envelope.” — Hart
“It’s amazing to have Shaq and Kevin here. Is this a roast or is this Tyler Perry’s of Mice and Men?” — Buress
"Martha is so old, her first period was the Renaissance." — Davidson
"This kid has spunk, moxie, and probably a few other STDs. I always encouraged people to stay classy. And what’s more classy than hanging out with Floyd Mayweather?" — Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell)
"Justin, you have to straighten up, son. Last year, you were ranked the fifth most-hated person of all time. Kim Jong-Un didn’t rank that high. And he uses your music to torture people." — O’Neal
“When your momma was 17 years old and got pregnant, everybody told her to get an abortion, and they still trying to convince her right now.” — Snoop Dogg
“Selena Gomez wanted to be here but she’s dating men now. Is it true you dumped her because she grew a mustache before you?” — Ross
"Justin wants to be black so bad he’s actually seen Kevin Hart’s movies in theaters." — Ludacris
"Kevin, you are everywhere. He is going to be on the next season of Game of Thrones. He’s going to play Peter Dinklage’s shadow.” — Legerro
“He has the voice of an angel and has the haircut and tattoos of a lesbian butcher.” — Hart
“He signed the guest book at the Anne Frank House and saying he hoped Anne would have been a Belieber, but instead she lucked out and died at a concentration camp.” — Buress
“I’m here to give Justin Bieber some tips for when he inevitably ends up in prison. The first thing you’ll need is a shank. I made mine out of a pintail comb and a pack of gum. Change up those tattoos. You have an owl on your arm and the word patience on your neck. I would suggest the words white power full back so you don’t look like some 14-year-old girl’s Trapper Keeper. And make sure it is in a muted black and grey palette. No color, that’s for p—-ies.” — Stewart
“Kevin is from Philadelphia just like Bill Cosby and just like Bill Cosby, women can’t tell when Kevin is inside of them.” — Snoop Dogg
“You’re such a poser and you act so black, I’m surprised you haven’t been choked to death by the NYPD.” — D’Elia
“There are rumors you might have been dating Kendall Jenner. What dating site did you meet on, OKStupid?” — Ross
“Kevin is one of the biggest movie stars in the business right now. He struggled for years. When he finally got his first big paycheck, he spent $150,000 on a watch. I forget that term for that. It’s not African American rich. Hmm, it will come to me. Justin, you know the word.” — Stewart
And the most likely to get cut (stop reading now if you’re a fan of the late Paul Walker or are easily offended):
“But you know what I am a Belieber in — second chances. You are so talented. You are worth saving. So stop racing your Lambo at 200 miles per hour. Go for 250. What could possibly go wrong? Just ask Ludacris. Move bitch, get out the way is what Paul Walker should have told that tree.” [The audience boos.] “What? Too soon? Too fast? Too furious?” — Ross
The Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber airs Monday, March 30 at 10 p.m.
