‘Empire’ Recap: The Cookie Dynasty

According to some careful research I’ve done over the past few months, there are several hundred million reasons to love Empire. On its surface there’s the ensemble of extremely well-cast and attractive actors; there’s a seemingly endless supply of catchy, original songs; and every set looks like a place we’d actually want to spend an hour of our respective lives each week. But going deeper there are other, more addictive things going on with this show, and they have a lot to do with the inspired lunacy of co-creator Lee Daniels. His unapologetic blend of camp, sincerity, social commentary, and straight-up button-pushing audacity has been baffling moviegoers for years, but it works perfectly in the long-form storytelling of a network soap. In other words, yes there will sometimes be an exploration of a broken criminal justice system, but there might also be a leading lady dressed in a gorilla suit.

Related: ‘Empire’ Premiere Recap: Return to Cookie Mountain

A major issue Empire faces as its novelty gives way to sustainability will be how much zaniness we can put up with while still giving a damn about the characters. Last week’s premiere was, in scientific terms, insane. But we NEEDED it to be insane in the same way a classic Beemer might need to be jump-started after sitting in storage for a bit. Five months is just too long for any network series to go away, so we needed the reminder of what Empire feels like at full hum. On the other hand, if every episode were that dazzling we’d grow sick of this show real fast. Luckily “Without a Country” figured out how to slow things down while keeping things very compelling. Music, angst, character moments: They’re all back! Guys, let’s talk about just how good this episode was…

We began in the Empire Records office shortly after Mimi Whiteman (LOL) and Lucious had teamed up to prevent the hostile takeover. And if I’m being honest? The fallout was not great for anybody.

I understood Mimi’s logic of there simply not being an Empire Records without Lucious, but that’s at least TWICE AS TRUE when it comes to Cookie. Do not fire her! Sure, Empire did okay when she was in prison, but I think we can all agree it NEEDED her and still does. But nope, she and Andre and Hakeem were forced to clean out their offices! (Good thing they had decorated so modestly.)

What followed was a fun and cute split-screen montage of all of them wheeling and dealing to start a brand-new company. In between sit-ups Hakeem pledged to start finding new talent, and Andre even enlisted Anika to help out. All in all, it looked like this team was ready to blaze its own trail or whatever.

Unfortunately, Jamal was still frowning a ton AND still had control of Hakeem’s album, so Cookie decided to pay him a visit right in the middle of an interview with top-rated talk show Spilling the Tea!

Even though they’d been at odds, it was clear these two still had at least a little bit of affection for each other, and for a second there it seemed like Jamal might’ve actually been willing to relinquish Hakeem’s recordings? But then again, he’s being kind of a jerk lately (and he’s also not a dummy), so Cookie ended up leaving, but not before dropping a major truth bomb on her way out: She was starting a record label, too!

By the way, mentioning a huge piece of info just as elevator doors shut is the new dropping the mic. Try it sometime! You’ll love it.

Meanwhile at jail, Lucious was just relaxing with his 2 Bribed Crew. I guess there hadn’t been many repercussions for beating Chris Rock to death the previous day, so they were just kicking back and listening to Lucious perform a new rap he’d written about life in the pen. But guess who did not care for this tomfoolery?

Ludacris! He guest-starred as a very mean prison guard, which continued Empire’s tradition of only allowing famous people on the show if they (1) play villains or (2) are made fun of by Cookie. Between you and me, Ludacris looks too friendly to take seriously as a corrupt a-hole, but it was still fun to see him pushing Lucious around.

Meanwhile, Hakeem decided he wanted to produce the next big girl group, a sort of multi-ethnic Destiny’s Child, if you will, but he was missing one important ingredient: A Beyoncé. This baby J.Lo character walked in and charmed everyone, but then balked at the idea of being in a girl group for some unknown label. Because Hakeem is never more motivated than by a drooping boner, he suddenly had second thoughts about leaving Empire (where talented ladies would pay him more respect, I guess).

The first group meeting of Cookie’s new label did not go great! On the upside, the Chinese food looked delicious, but on the downside, Anika showed up and Cookie screamed at her until she left. Even though Hakeem and Andre had personally invited Anika to help out, Cookie was NOT about it.

Which, fine. They don’t have the best working relationship, not since Cookie tried to stuff Anika into the corner pocket of a pool table. So then Anika hit the road, and she became the first of what would prove to be a steady stream of people to ditch Cookie in her time of need.

Another reason why Lucious was not stoked about prison was that the guards had begun to withhold his medication (for whatever non-ALS disease he DOES have). The situation had something to do with the corrupt D.A. influencing the guards, as she has designs on running for office and she needs Lucious to sell out all his cronies to do so. Anyway, Lucious was not about to snitch, and as luck would have it, the world’s shadiest lawyer who just so happened to have a vendetta against that same D.A. was within earshot and had an extra business card on him!

Meet Thirsty Rawlings, Empire’s answer to Saul Goodman. First of all, his name is Thirsty. Secondly, Thirsty wears cheap blue-purple suits and graduated from the University of Guam Law School. But believe you me, what he lacks in respectability he makes up for in MOXIE. Even Lucious was like, “Is he TOO shady?” But within hours of Lucious merely entertaining the idea of firing his own Harvard-educated lawyer and hiring Thirsty, Thirsty was already bribing prison guards and somehow getting a new bail hearing on the books. It’s hard to argue with RESULTS.

Was anybody else momentarily confused by Tiana’s fleshtone tights? Just me? Anyway, Tiana’s back, everybody! Here she was rehearsing some new bump ‘n grind number with her dancers, and Hakeem walked in to serve her the ultimate disrespect: Join his new girl group! She somehow was able to decline his offer without slapping his face, but still. Nice to see you again, T!

But, even though Cookie was full-steam ahead with her new company, the team started showing cracks. First, obviously Hakeem was still tempted to return and just finish his album for Empire already. But then here was Rhonda, going behind Andre’s back and more or less begging Jamal to rehire Andre if possible. And yes, she even dropped the P-bomb, telling him that she’s pregnant and hinted strongly that Andre needs a proper job so that Jamal’s new niece or nephew won’t be forced to eat dead pigeons out of dumpsters. It was a particularly shady move seeing as Rhonda had encouraged Andre to give this new business a shot, but oh well. Rhonda’s gotta Rhonda.

So yeah, suddenly Thirsty was able to pull some strings and not only get Lucious his medication in jail, but also some recording equipment and an hour of booth time! (Well, supply closet time). In other words, this was the worst-run jail since Tim Robbins escaped through a s–t pipe. But it DID mean that Lucious was able to record a very, very hot new jam about jail life. (And in all sincerity, Terrence Howard was absolutely amazing in this scene. Truly a star, that guy.)

Unfortunately, as soon as the song was laid down, Ludacris busted in and threw everyone in the hole! At this point he outright threatened to murder Lucious and get away with it, and I was like, “Oh please, just try to murder the world’s most prominent hip-hop star and get away with it” but then I remembered 2Pac and Biggie and got suddenly concerned for Lucious’s safety. As it turned out, Luda had sworn allegiance to the shady D.A. lady and in my opinion he had backed the wrong kingpin.

Like, seriously, Mimi Whiteman had it right: DO NOT CROSS LUCIOUS. Isn’t that clear to everyone by now? For example, look at what happened later when Ludacris was trying to enjoy a nice stroll in a mall parking lot:

That’s right, two thugs pistol-whipped him so much and then stole back Lucious’s laptop with the song recording on it! And honestly, Ludacris should have seen this coming. Better luck next time, friend. (Also, props to Thirsty for getting it done.)

After Jamal had refused to give Hakeem his album recordings back, Hakeem resorted to Plan B: LEAKING IT on the Internet! He didn’t really think it through, though, and next thing we knew Andre was throwing the biggest fit about how they were all gonna get sued, and he and his sweater-blazer were OUTTA THERE. So, yet another setback for Cookie’s ever-dwindling team.

I loved the scene when she found a new warehouse space to house her new company, and she noticed that the former tenant had been an Orthodox Jewish company with “Dynasty” in the name and she said, “’Dynasty’… That sounds dope.” YES IT DOES. But I wonder why? Can’t think of a reason right now. But yes, for some reason the word “Dynasty” goes well with this show, don’t you think? Later on, we found out that the name she’s going with will be Lyon Dynasty. Close enough!

Uh, if the actual references to Destiny’s Child earlier in the episode made you think that a member of Destiny’s Child would probably not be making a cameo later in the episode, you were wrong! Check out this flashback of Baby Lucious getting sung to by his mother, Kelly Rowland! The flashback happened when Lucious was telling Andre that he was not forgiven and could not come back to Empire, but then he remembered the time his mother had forgotten the lyrics to “Itsy Bitsy Spider,” thus implying that maybe she also had mental problems just like Andre? I’m not sure! But I’m just hoping it means we’ll get to see Kelly Rowland in old age makeup locked away in a facility somewhere. Personally I could really go for a scene like that.

So in the end it was just Cookie and Hakeem, the only two people left willing to take on Empire Records. It was a truly touching moment when they both started cleaning up the warehouse together, and even more compelling when they turned on the radio and discovered that Lucious’s jailhouse rap was a huge hit already. The stakes seemed suddenly so high for my two favorite characters, but that just makes me root for them harder. Go, Cookie and Hakeem!

This was amazing: Our final scene was in the courthouse, and everyone was waiting for Thirsty to show up. When he finally did, he handed the judge “new evidence” and it consisted of just a bunch of incriminating photos of the judge himself getting hogtied with sexy results. Then, with a straight face, the judge immediately granted Lucious bail.

THIRSTY FTW. So yeah, Lucious was now out of jail! Sure, he still had a trial to look forward to, but at least there were no more cannibals or mean guards to deal with! And Empire was suddenly more back in business than ever.

“Without a Country” may not have been quite as jam-packed as last week’s premiere was, but if this is what passes for a lower-key episode, then holy moly is this season going to be special. By focusing on just a few storylines and allowing room for a number of terrific musical performances, “Without a Country” exuded cool and confidence while also bringing the ridiculousness we expect. So good.

What did YOU think of this week’s Empire?

Empire airs Wednesdays at 9 p.m. on Fox.