'Empire' Recap: Cookie's Mirage

Among the many reasons why Empire became the hit it did was it took the usual number of TV plot twists and quadrupled them. Blowing through four seasons’ worth of developments in its first 15 episodes made for a highly amusing thrill-ride, but the question was whether this one would end up being a well-constructed roller coaster or one of those rickety county fair deals. After three episodes, it’s clear from Season 2 that Empire is a pretty high quality ride with no intention of slowing down. In other words we are probably not about to get Final Destination’d on this thing.

But the clear downside to telling so much story is we’re already growing bored of Empire’s go-to habits. Is anyone else getting slightly tired of family members double-crossing each other, or someone solving a conflict by opening up a checkbook? Thankfully Season 2 has also seen Empire embrace a few tropes that don’t get old. Like, I will always love it when one of the Lyons, in the face of conflict, is secretly proud of or affectionate toward his or her adversary (think Lucious nodding admiringly after Hakeem’s party-crashing performance). We’ve seen family members fight before, but there’ something so specific about Empire’s portrayal of power-players reluctantly happy to see their enemies succeed. Another thing this season’s done is it’s discovered new and different hip-hop archetypes to explore, like the hardscrabble female rapper or the girl group or the ultra-ambitious district attorney. Characters like these suggest Empire won’t simply rely on celebrity cameos or yet another double-cross to keep us interested in this world. Empire CAN blow through this much story because there’s just so much to tell.

Speaking of which, let’s talk about “Fires of Heaven”!

We began with Lucious’ triumphant return to public life!

Despite being banned from entering the Empire offices, he was greeted by hundreds of supporters (best handmade poster: “He’s Immortal”) and raucous applause on the building’s front steps. But guess who was shadily parked across the street mean-mugging at him during the press conference?

Yep, the grumpy prosecutor lady, who vowed yet again to bring him down. Honestly, I might have believed her at first if she didn’t look so sad and lonely behind the wheel of that Taurus. Lady, don’t you have a District Attorney campaign to run or, like, a Whole Foods dessert buffet to stare at?

Meanwhile Cookie was not thrilled with Hakeem’s lack of preparation for his performance and interview on the Sway show. Yes, Sway has a show still, and in this world it’s considered the most important show. Sway. Yes, that Sway. Anyway, Cookie arrived to find Hakeem cavorting around with Valentina, the singer he was trying to sign to his girl group, yet the first impression Valentina made on Cookie was to ask Hakeem where her “chonies” were. Not a great first impression!

Then when Hakeem went on Sway’s show (Sway has a show), Sway got Lucious on the phone and Lucious called Hakeem immature! That was just an awkward conversation right there on national satellite radio! (Sway’s show is on satellite radio yet is still considered to be the biggest show, just fyi.) It was harsh, but Hakeem kept his head up.

That night Lucious invited everyone over for a nice family dinner, to which he showed up like an hour late even though it was in his own house. And when he sat down he laid into his family for being complete failures and traitors before asking them to please just rejoin his company already. The negging was a cool tactic, but Cookie wasn’t super convinced.

Also, she got up from the table and used my No. 1 very favorite leaving-the-table trick:

To be honest, it’s not the most polite way to leave the table, but at least it makes for a good story for the rest of the guests to enjoy. I generally don’t do it when there’s $3500 worth of lobster and racks of lamb on the table, but that’s the difference between me and Cookie, I guess.

Meanwhile Hakeem had boldly promised Sway (who is a radio DJ with an important show on satellite radio) that he would debut his new girl group THAT WEEK. Which meant they only had a few days to cut their first single and get them prepped to perform and Cookie was NOT happy about it.

By the way, meet Mirage à Trois, TV’s best Selena Gomez tribute group. If I’m being honest, their song “Do It Do It Do It Do It Do It Do It” WAS pretty catchy, but Cookie was still very frustrated and perfectionist about it. Because again, they only had a few days to impress Sway (a satellite radio DJ)!

Meanwhile, Lucious was preparing for his homecoming party at Leviticus, and he summoned Anika for a last-minute subterfuge meeting. At one point he told her that if she’d wanted to hump on Jamal, she only needed to ask and he would’ve been fine with it. Which is a weird thing to say? Anyway, the point was, he really wanted her to spy on Lyon Dynasty and she pretended to go along with it. But it turned out her hatred for Lucious was the only thing that outweighed her animosity toward Cookie. Next thing we knew, Anika was telling Cookie everything!

I wasn’t 100 percent thrilled about how mean Cookie was being to Anika (I honestly would love to see them become friends), but at least it got one good result: Anika spilled the details about Lucious’ homecoming party. Which meant that Cookie’s gears immediately began turning.

Next thing we knew, Jamal’s duet with Pitbull (Pitbull was invited to Leviticus for some reason) was being interrupted by Cookie who was dressed in a gown made of bling (?). I honestly am not even sure what that dress was, but between her hair and earrings she was definitely giving me Tina Turner in Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome vibes and I was NOT mad. Anyway she had her goons set off a smoke bomb and then commandeer the DJ booth before introducing HER headliners.

Hakeem and Timbaland! She didn’t say Timbaland’s name, but I am assuming he was playing himself? So basically the person in charge of the music on this show appeared as himself, in one of Empire’s most meta moments to date? It was pretty great. And the song Hakeem rapped contained tons of lyrics about bringing down Empire and especially his father and Jamal. But my favorite part was that both of them sort of shrugged like, “That’s our Hakeem.”

Seriously, I thought Lucious’ raised glass was so charming. His party may have been ruined and his own son openly disrespected him, but I’m sure there was part of him that was slightly proud. Hakeem OWNED that microphone.

Then Pitbull tried to get into business with Cookie and she was like, “Don’t call me, I’ll call you.” But he wasn’t alone… After Cookie’s successful surprise takeover of Leviticus, suddenly EVERYONE wanted to be in business with Lyon Dynasty. Things were off to a great start!

Even Porsha was back at work and yelling at everyone on Cookie’s behalf. (Also, her outfit here was amazing, just wanted to point that out.)

Andre, who remains one of the most confusing characters on the show, still had his feelings hurt over Lucious not allowing him back at Empire. But in this scene he finally told Cookie that Rhonda was pregnant, and she immediately gave him motherly advice and encouraged him to go back to Empire. According to her logic, the excitement over a newborn Lyon was pretty much the only thing anyone in the family could agree on and Lucious was SURE to rehire Andre if only he knew he was about to become a grandfather (for real this time)!

Unfortunately, Lucious was not super stoked to hear that he was going to have another potentially bipolar family member. Like, the second Andre mentioned Rhonda was pregnant, he immediately had this flashback to the time Kelly Rowland spent all the food money on harmonicas again.

So yeah, even though Lucious finally hugged Andre to congratulate him, it was still a no-go with rehiring him. Better luck next time, Andre!

Hey remember Chris Rock’s aspiring rapper daughter? Well, her rap name is Freda Gatz, and apparently Lucious wasn’t lying about wanting to sign her! But after she turned down Jamal’s contract, Lucious had to go track her down in the street where she was freestyling like a Fugees-era Lauryn Hill! Except then one dude made a crack about her dead father and she had no choice but to pull a gun on him! Luckily Lucious physically picked her up and stopped her from murdering anybody. At that point he sort of insulted her and her father about being trash, but asked if she would please sign to his Gutter Life Records label please? She probably will, but who knows. (Who among us isn’t currently signed to Gutter Life Records in some way?)

Meanwhile, this psycho prosecutor lady had been following Lucious around all day. What was the logic here? She was 100 percent convinced he was a multiple murderer yet she thought constantly harassing him was the best course of action? Lady, you’re going to end up in a shallow grave if you’re not careful!

I loved when Jamal was feeling super down about his career and Becky told him to just suck it up and go see Cookie already. Because he knew and she knew and everybody knew that Cookie is a muse to anybody and everybody. But at the current moment she was being a cane-wielding drill instructor to a certain trio of poor men’s Selena Gomezes.

That’s right, Cookie was running an impromptu dance camp for Mirage à Trois’ impending Sway performance! (Sway is an important DJ on Empire.)

Her logic was, if they wanted to be Beyoncé, they’d have to WORK like Beyoncé. I loved when Porsha asked Cookie where she’d learned to be such a tough dance instructor and Cookie responded, “Prison.” Is there a chance that prison is secretly amazing?

But just when the girls were ready to wow Sway and consequently the world, guess who showed up and ruined everything? Lucious! And, as Lucious is wont to do, he had straight-up PURCHASED the satellite radio network! And he had ALSO signed Valentina to a solo contract at Empire! So basically yet another scheme or conflict was resolved via $$$. Relatable stuff.

So yeah, the episode ended with Lucious getting another one over on his family and the system as a whole via nothing more than a wire transfer and some paperwork. But knowing this show, his victory will be short-lived. Short-lived victories are an Empire guarantee!

Overall, “Fires of Heaven” felt like a pretty typical Empire episode: Equal parts compelling and exaggerated. But even though certain story patterns have begun to feel overly familiar, it’s the new characters and elements that continue to keep this all very fresh. Cookie’s outfits and the soundtrack’s sweet jams help a lot too. But here’s hoping it can maintain a certain level of novelty while also capitalizing on the family’s tried and true affections for one another. Empire might claim its all about the drama, but when it comes down it it’s really all about the love.

What did YOU think about “Fires of Heaven”?

Empire airs Wednesdays at 9 p.m. on Fox.