'Empire' Recap: Cookie's Got a Gun

Much like how The Daily Show became famous for providing Millennials with more hard news than actual newspapers did, Empire may just provide a similar service when it comes to hot button issues. Take this week’s episode, “Be True,” which somehow managed to address ALL OF THEM. Religion, gay marriage, family, crime, mental illness, gun control, entrepreneurship, fidelity, stripper poles in the workplace. ALL were addressed. I didn’t say they were addressed thoughtfully, of course, but still, points to Empire for including risky viewpoints in what’s ostensibly an escapist network soap opera. Like, it’s saying something that we accept Lucious as an unrepentant murderer yet his atheism still feels rather shocking. Or, for a gay character to posit that gay marriage is heteronormative? That’s something we gays only whisper about after a few too many vodka sodas. Empire don’t care. It will GO there, and always has.

Hard to find anything wrong with “Be True,” which saw the family gathering together to celebrate Andre’s ascent into holier-than-thou spirituality. Even the Lyon Dynasty business became more interesting this week as Empire finally began taking seriously the process of how a rival company can get off the ground quickly. And then there was, of course, the razorblade incident, which was nightmarish even BEFORE we saw masked goons threatening Cookie’s well-being. Let’s talk about this episode!

We began exciting national news [DrudgeSiren.gif]!! According to CNN’s Jake Tapper, Lucious Lyon had been acquitted of all charges! It had something to do with the star witness’ corpse (Poor Uncle Vernon) showing up in the prosecutor’s Beemer, followed by she herself going off the grid. Or something? I don’t understand the law. But what I DO understand is that no board room welcome-back party is complete without a stripper pole.

[I have never related to a character on this show more than Becky in this above photo.]

So it was an exciting, jubilant atmosphere all around… Unless you were Andre.

Yep, it was his first day back at Empire and he did NOT approve of these shenanigans. Between his new religiosity and his new beard, Andre was somehow even more of a bummer than usual. Welcome back, Andre!

Meanwhile at Lyon Dynasty, Tiana finished up a photoshoot (in which she took a nap on a herringbone sofa) and teaching Cookie how to use her phone by taking a picture with a couple of fans in the hallway. But then this happened:

That’s right, Tiana was mugged via the ol’ razorbalde-in-the-mouth trick! A dastardly mugging tactic that happens A LOT I’m pretty sure. But this scary incident was merely the first offense in what was later revealed to be an orchestrated shake-down of Lyon Dynasty by these weirdos:

They are either some kind of extortionist gang of psychopaths or they are one of the dance crews from Step Up 2: The Street. Either way, it was bad news for Cookie, whose business was too new to be getting strong-armed by street thugs.

Michael, who is arguably one of the most insufferable characters on the show, was back and doing his favorite thing: Guilt-tripping Jamal and hassling him SO MUCH. But in this first scene he sort of had a reason to be pissy: That horrible artist dude from last week tried to lecture them on being basic because they supported gay marriage. Or something? And things got worse when the artist dude tried to fellate Jamal in a metallic carnival hallway.

It was very gross when the dude tried to explain his attempted blowie by calling it “an artistic form of expression,” and even grosser when Michael caught them and the artist protested that “a mouth is a mouth”! But let’s be real, all of these transgressions weren’t as bad as how horrible that portrait of Jamal had been last week, so at this point this dude’s basically just trolling Jamal AND US. Get out of here, guy.

I am honestly not sure what Adam Rodriguez was doing on the show. I think Cookie hired him to, uh, take her company to the next level? I do not know exactly how that works, but he is handsome and I’m hoping this is her new love interest. Will there be another bearskin rug scene, but this time with choreography from his stint in the Magic Mike movies? Fingers crossed!

But your No. 1 pressing question this whole time has been, “WHAT ABOUT PORSHA?” I am sorry to have buried the lede, but here is what’s up with Porsha: Cookie fired her! Apparently framing Cookie for a misdemeanor is not something Cookie is cool with. Fortunately, Porsha showed up trying to get her job back by gifting Cookie with her grandmother’s fluffy guard dog named Woop De Woo. And you know what? Cookie rehired her on the spot. Because that is good thinking right there. Welcome back, sweet angel.

I loved this cute scene between Lucious and Cookie at the funeral home where Vernon’s ashes had been boxed up. They bickered over which of them had to take home a snitch’s ashes, and then then flirt-fought over the usual topics. These two!

Special Guest Star Ne-Yo showed up to help Jamal record his new jams, but also to give him valuable advice on being in love while on tour. Even though Lucious was opposed to Michael joining Jamal on tour, Ne-Yo encouraged Jamal to follow his heart or whatever. Ne-Yo should honestly have a radio call-in show about matters of the heart, because he was a wise and calming influence here.

Remember that talented girl Jamal discovered at the jazz bar he apparently hangs out at when he’s sad? Well, it was her first day at the studio to record some hot jams and he started kissin’ on her out of nowhere! And guess what? She did not like it. She did not ask for that, and she was not here for that. So she ran away!

Then Jamal threw a party and he got very tipsy while girl talkin’ with Becky, but then when he went outside to find Michael, he discovered that Michael was receiving a surprise blowie from that same artist dude! This certainly makes the whole going-on-tour thing more complicated, right? Jamal surprisingly did not throw the artist dude off the balcony, but maybe in a future episode he will.

Shhh don’t wake Becky!

The next morning Becky looked adorable sleeping on Jamal’s sofa, but that’s when Hakeem and Andre showed up for a brotherly pow-wow. Andre’s main thing is that he had visited a reverend in a tomato garden and the reverend suggested that Andre confess all of his sins to his family and then get baptized. So, suddenly Andre was spilling secrets to Jamal and Hakeem about plotlines from all the way back in Season 1 that we’d forgotten about. They honestly took it pretty well, but probably because they didn’t actually remember that stuff either. A lot had happened since then!

Unfortunately Lucious wasn’t quite as impressed by Andre’s sudden need to spill his guts. Further, he made it very clear that Andre’s newfound religiosity was an actual problem if he intended to work at Empire, which is a company that would occasionally require Andre to do immoral things. Andre made a big deal about how his faith was “who I am” but uh, since when? Since three months ago? So yeah, Lucious wasn’t impressed. Either work there or don’t. Can’t have it both ways, Kim Davis.

Then Hakeem put on his best apology suit and rode in an UberBlack to find that jazz singer girl and apologize for sexually harassing her at work. He explained that no girl in the history of time had ever turned down Hakeem’s advances so her behavior confused him but he was ready to be chill around her again. It worked, and she took him up on his offer to rejoin Lyon Dynasty. Great work, everyone.

Then Freda Gatz came in to record some rap songs about her dad, so in order to get her to rap better, Lucious reminded her that her father was a piece of garbage who deserved to die. BUT her dad had loved her, so. Anyway, it worked. Next thing we knew, Freda Gatz was giving an impassioned performance about how her father Chris Rock was a cannibal. Well, she didn’t say that specifically but I think we all knew what she meant. (Also it all made Lucious feel feelings about being a father himself.)

Later, at Andre’s baptism, Cookie showed up with a lint roller and made sure he was lint-free before the ceremony. And in a metaphorical sense, Andre was still trying to make his soul lint-free by attempting to confess to Cookie all the other bad things he’d done. But she cut him off (thank G) and reminded him that they had ALL done horrible things, but were still nice people. I’m not sure if that logic checks out, but whatever shuts up Andre is fine with me.

Speaking of Cookie, she was still smarting from how a bunch of thugs had broken into her studio to steal her tapes (at which point she pulled a gun on them and chased them out), and she was NOT stoked that Thirsty had planned this with Lucious’ apparent blessing. So even though the family was reunited in honor of Andre’s baptism, you better believe that didn’t stop them from bickering in the pews. (It was not clear whether Cookie also brought her gun into church, but my guess is yes.)

So then Andre got dunked in that water, which immediately reminded Lucious of the time when he was a kid and Kelly Rowland decided to “baptize” HIM over and over again in the bathtub.

So, in addition to not caring for bipolar people very much, Lucious ALSO had personal reasons for not liking religion or a cappella lullabies either. In other words, Andre was on Lucious’ bad side for reasons even he wasn’t aware of.

But the episode wasn’t finished, no, there was still one last shocker in store:

Hakeem was rap-napped while out for a shirtless jog! That’s right, he was simply jogging shirtlessly through the park and a bunch of goons threw a sack over his head and rap-napped him! Were they the same goons who’d worn the masks on YouTube and had dispatched ladies with mouth-razors to mug ingenues? We’ll just have to see! But poor Hakeem, he did not deserve that.

“Be True” struck just the right balance of dense and ridiculous. Though Andre remains an almost comically non-compelling character, it was nice that his plotline was the one to unite the family this week, and the overall lesson was clear: Sometimes it IS better to just admit your sins and move onward. But the question was whether we think this will work out as well for Andre as he hopes? My guess is the only thing stronger than his faith in the Lord will be his DNA and the ruthlessness it sometimes requires to be a Lyon. Something tells me that his protests he’s a changed man won’t last long, but this show has certainly surprised us before! In the meantime, who cares about Andre, our baby boy Hakeem has been rap-napped! Bring him home, Lyons.

What did YOU think of “Be True”?

Empire airs Wednesdays at 9 p.m. on Fox.