'Empire' Recap: Cookie Gets the Horns

Are you a small-business owner? Are you well-versed in tax law, worker’s comp, and business licenses? Do you use Excel spreadsheets to track your finances and expenditures? Do you occasionally hire an enemy gang to become your employees at gunpoint? These are all questions entrepreneurs should ask themselves, especially if you want to have even a fraction of the business savvy that Cookie Lyon does. For her journey is truly the American dream, and as we all know, sometimes the American dream means hiring an enemy gang to work for you at gunpoint.

“A High Hope for a Low Heaven” answered most of our burning questions about Hakeem’s rap-napping, and it answered them quickly! We should have known that particular bit of drama would not be dragged out for more than ten or eleven minutes, so after only two cell phone videos and a couple of conversations, he was set free right away. Gotta hand it to Empire, it’s constantly surprising me with how handily it disposes of potentially juicy plotlines, but in its place we got a fairly compelling PTSD subplot surrounding Hakeem’s rap-napping abuse. All in all, this episode was another solid adventure with America’s True First Family (sorry, Obamas). Let’s talk about it!

Yes, Hakeem had been rap-napped and dragged blindfolded into a scary warehouse BUT FIRST: Becky’s love life. Empire is a show with priorities, and in this case, its priorities were CORRECT.

Up on the rooftop of a skyscraper sex palace, Becky had been doing tons of sex with a hunky rapper named J-Poppa. They whispered sweet nothings and even sweeter everythings and you better believe Becky’s days of hanging out in gay bath houses were over: She had a REAL man now. There is a word for what Becky is, and that word is “hero.”

But yeah, anyway, then word began to spread that Hakeem had been rap-napped, and that word was spread via SMS .mpeg files. Because suddenly Cookie received a text with a video of Hakeem bound and gagged!

Cookie (note that her cheetah-skin patterns had graduated to ACTUAL cheetahs) immediately assumed it was a prank, or maybe just some weird tactic that Lucious had dreamt up (which was definitely likely) but she decided to go to the source and ask him herself.

And that’s when Cookie and Lucious touchingly threw aside all their differences and teamed up to save their son! (Jamal was not invited because he needed to stay behind and whine more about his cheating boyfriend and also perhaps blow out the one thousand candles he’d lit in the recording studio, for safety reasons.)

For some reason Hakeem’s kidnappers suddenly got naked in front of him and he noticed they all had these weird scars on their backs. Brands? Of bulls? Or donkeys? Upside down break dancers mid-spin? Didn’t matter, this was definitely a nefarious gang either way. Luckily Hakeem was able to shake loose from his bindings and tell them all how lame they were, but then they hit him in the eye real hard.

In all, it wasn’t a great day for Hakeem. One of his worst days, in fact. Pray for Hakeem.

Also pray for Andre and pray WITH Andre, because here he was trying to turn Gutter Life records into a straight-up Christian rap label! That’s right, his first day on the job, a job that he had begged, schemed, and pleaded to attain, was immediately in the trash. This was not what Lucious wanted, yet here we were, talking about the positive moral character of the rappers on Gutter Life Records. Andrew has the best music instincts j/k.

So then the kidnappers made a ransom request: $40K! A total bargain, when it comes to kidnapping famous rappers. $40K is basically a sidewalk sale. So of course Lucious offered to pay it and the next thing we knew, he and Cookie were hanging out under an overpass when a van pulled up and guess what? It was empty! Apparently the driver was just some rando who, when Hakeem told him to let him out, did just that. So where was Hakeem?

He was walking around the neighborhood in such a daze that he tried to make out with Anika, who was coming home from a workout. It was kind of an emotional reunion, I suppose? But he was trying to kiss on her so much that she didn’t have time to turn off her jams (which were probably super sad breakup songs) or even take out her sweaty EarPods. Well whatever, Hakeem was back! And even though he seemed concussed or broken in the brain somehow, at least he was safe.

Then the Staples Center didn’t let Jamal have a concert there and he was so sad and upset that he could only really process his pain via his music. We’ve all been there, right? I wish I had a dollar for every time the Staples Center ruined my day. I could really use that $17.

But the main reason for the Staples Center’s shadiness, at least in Jamal’s mind, was that he was being marketed as a “gay artist” rather than an “artist who is gay.” So to help change his image, he hired this guy (played by William Fichtner from Go and also everything else), who was apparently one of Lucious’ old frenemies from back when Lucious hated all gay people across the board. Whether Lucious liked it or not, he was now going to have to work with him to change Jamal’s image. I especially loved when William Fichtner’s character reached out a limp hand for a handshake in a delightful bit of trolling. It feels like a lifetime since I’ve cared about Jamal’s plotline, but who knows? Maybe it’s about to get interesting again.

Hakeem’s main journey in this episode was that he had major PTSD or maybe just a concussion, and he couldn’t seem to rap or think straight. This was represented (really artistically and effectively) with amazing sound design and weird, choppy close-ups. Yeah, Empire got artsy in this episode but it made me feel really bad for Hakeem (who is the best character besides Cookie). He even punched the mirror and then looked at his cracked reflection! You know somebody is unwell when they do that.

So then Cookie’s new “promoter” dude (from Magic Mike) suggested they go back and find the kidnappers and then HIRE them so that they don’t do anything else bad? Yeah. That was just the beginning of a series of crazy ideas all bundled together in this scene, which was basically a Bad Idea Fiesta. Cookie and Hakeem tracked down the bad guys in order to offer them jobs at Lyon Dynasty, but not before Hakeem could wave a gun in their faces a ton. Fortunately Cookie talked him down, only to then TAG IN and wave the gun instead!

I’m not sure I agreed with the idea of employing the same guys who had kidnapped Hakeem. That does not seem like it will make for a positive work environment at all. They just better keep their cubicles clean and their personal phone calls to a minimum.

Later at the club, Becky told Jamal that J-Poppa had “hit” all her “walls” and then did this backward seizure move to demonstrate how well her sex life was going. I love these two together so much. To be fair, Jamal had also had a nice moment earlier in this episode when he encouraged Cookie to not cancel her label’s big talent showcase later that week… Jamal being kind and considerate is a good look on him. But it’s not as good as being Becky’s sounding board. I could watch a whole show of them just hanging out forever. Doesn’t even have to be in a bath house or anything. Maybe they could go to a laser tag arena, I don’t know, I’ll leave that up to the show runners.

But then J-Poppa came out and started rapping Bible verses and Lucious gave Andre the fish-eye.

And then, to make matters worse, Andre bragged that “the bloggers” were loving it, and then we cut to a trio of people holding up iPads. What on earth?

Then Freda Gatz came out to perform and when a man heckled her too much she went straight CHUN-LI on his ass. Freda Gatz might be four apples tall but she is amazing.

Backstage at the Big Apple Jam, which was the delicious-sounding name of the showcase Cookie was hoping to debut Mirage a Trois, Hakeem was still having a tough time with his PTSD, hastened by the fact that Lucious was STILL trying to trick him into rejoining Empire. But then, in one of Empire’s sweetest scenes to date, Andre and Jamal told both their parents to GTFO, and the three brothers reminisced about their childhood, and how Hakeem had been the best, bravest one of them all. This cheered him up, since he was feeling really powerless and embarrassed about getting rap-napped.

Even though Empire is premised on the idea that this family will forever be fighting about everything always, it was nice that for at least a minute these three could try and help each other. Great job, fellas.

And then Hakeem went out and discovered he was still having trouble making his brain work, and in yet another sweet moment, Laura recognized what was happening and forced him to snap out of his fugue state via her beautiful vocals alone. You know? It was undeniably powerful. Regardless of whether this will flourish into a full blown romance or not, I love that she’s looking out for Hakeem. She’s like the one voice of reason and empathy in this whole situation.

Later, at Hakeem’s after party, Anika showed up uninvited and kept looking longingly through the doorway at the party yet Hakeem didn’t even invite her in? Yet she had been the one he’d gone to when he was roaming around the NY streets in a daze. I truly don’t know if Empire is TRYING to make Anika into a super tragic figure, but that’s what she’s becoming. It’s getting to the point where I’m rooting for her SO HARD? Either she’s going to be redeemed and brought back into the fold or she’ll be killed off. But this constant humiliation is killing my heart. Everybody leave Boo Boo Kitty alone! She is an ambitious woman with a healthy sexual appetite, stop hating!

Lucious went and tracked down Freda Gatz on the streets and gave her the new beat he’d written for Hakeem. He even rapped some verses for her, which, uh, don’t quit your day job Lucious. But the idea of the scene was pretty powerful: He was starting to relate to Freda Gatz more than even his own sons. At first I was like, “Oh, Freda is the daughter Lucious never had,” except then I remembered he HAD a daughter with Raven-Symoné and barely ever thought of that one, so Freda was definitely special. I love these two together. I’m sure no secrets or revelations from Lucious’ time in jail could possibly derail their burgeoning relationship.

Our big shocking cliffhanger was that Cookie decided she needed to get hella laid by the new promoter/consultant she’d hired and we were finally treated to his Magic Mike-certified naked torso. Except, whoops! He ALSO had that weird bull branding on his back. Which meant he had manipulated her into hiring his GANG to work at her company (it had been his suggestion in the first place). But you know what? Who wouldn’t fall for Adam Rodriguez’s charms every time? He’s, uh, very persuasive. But this will probably prove to be a problem later, in my opinion. Stay tuned.

“A High Hope for a Low Heaven” pulled some classic Empire stunts: Zipping through plotlines almost disappointingly fast (I would not have minded more hostage stuff); getting its characters into ill-advised sexual situations (oh, Cookie); and setting up future explosions of betrayal (seriously, how has Freda not learned about her father’s death yet?). But aside from the obvious threat of exhaustion, I really can’t complain about this season. It feels simultaneously samey but also thrilling. In other words, the formula still works and its ever present tropes still provoke affection. But there may need to be more dramatic power shifts in the near future if we’re going to stay fully engaged. Or maybe just give Becky and Jamal more scenes together. Either way!

What did YOU think of “A High Hope for a Low Heaven”?

Empire airs Wednesdays at 9 p.m. on Fox.