'Empire' Recap: Cookie Fur Ever
Warning: This recap for the “Death Will Have His Day” episode of Empire contains spoilers.
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I think I just realized why: It helps you forget all the boring and useless subplots! It felt like Empire had been off the air for about 9 years and if we’re being honest with ourselves we could’ve counted on one hand how many memorable things had happened in Season 2 so far. Pretty sure there was a gorilla suit at one point, and perhaps Chris Rock played a cannibal. Oh, and Rhonda got pushed down the stairs. Other than that, you could honestly just make up anything and I’d believe you. Whereas the first season of this show exploded with memorable moments, this one’s settled into more of a routine. Family members oust each other from power, align with former rivals, resort to crime, find emotional redemption, repeat, repeat, repeat. Which is fine! It works. It’s a formula that works. Just don’t ask me to remember most of it. Just give me Cookie always and forever.
“Death Will Have His Day” was Empire’s first episode back return after many weeks off the air, and just going scene by scene it was a pleasure to watch. These actors are wonderful, and Cookie remains the most important TV character in primetime. Were there songs? You betcha. Borderline slapstick violence? Absolutely. Fur coats? Are you kidding me? Let’s talk about this episode!
We began with a woman accidentally ruining her nice marble floors while attempting to check her broken phone.
It was Rhonda! Apparently her tumble down the stairs left her feeling very not-great, at least going by the sheer amount of blood everywhere. It’s not clear when Rhonda became a human blood balloon, but the fact is, she was not looking good. Fortunately she was able to throw her iPhone at the alarm system to trigger it before passing out. Also she didn’t see who’d pushed her, only that the shadowy figure was wearing pumps with red soles (a tidbit she immediately forgot). Long story short, Rhonda was having a rough night.
But she wasn’t the only one. Everyone was still reeling from Hakeem’s betrayal and Naomi Campbell’s successful takeover of Empire (with Marisa Tomei’s help). Lucious now had his BATTLE FEDORA on, and Thirsty was pulling guns out of every pocket. Things got even worse when cops showed up to kick Lucious out of his own building. This was not going to end well.
Meanwhile Cookie was waiting in Hakeem’s penthouse with a broom and a bad attitude. If you are wondering if Cookie proceeded to attack Hakeem with a broom, the answer is yes. If you were wondering if she dropped the broom and decided to continue hitting him with her expensive purse, the answer is also yes. Empire was officially BACK, everybody.
Everybody’s anger was interrupted, however, when Becky spread the word that Rhonda was in the hospital. This was definitely a time to come together as a family (except Hakeem, who was still trash as far as they were concerned) and grieve over Rhonda’s miscarriage, and also to attempt to get Andre off the floor. Get off the floor, Andre! That can’t be sanitary.
To her credit, Rhonda’s eye makeup remained very A+ despite her head wound and body trauma. But I felt that perhaps this wasn’t the best opportunity for a frank discussion of theology. Rhonda couldn’t be stopped though, as she decided to tell Andre once and for all what she thought about God: NOT MUCH, because there isn’t one! Damn, Rhonda.
The next day, Naomi Campbell set about her new job as the owner of Empire, and what does the new owner of an internationally famous record label set her mind to? Racks and racks of fur coats. You might be wondering if that is the best strategy for a record label, but please keep in mind that this is Empire, and no fewer than twelve thousand fur coats were featured in this episode. And leave it to Cookie to wear the most enormous one… It looked like she’d murdered Mr. Snuffleupagus! And I was not mad, because who wouldn’t want to cuddle up against that? Anyway, fur coats: Oh yeah.
One of Naomi Campbell’s main directives was that Hakeem was going to have to dump Laura like YESTERDAY. He was obviously torn because Laura was “special” to him, but then again he had a chance to run Empire Entertainment, so he felt he should probably do whatever Naomi Campbell said. But to his credit, there is not a person alive who would not do whatever Naomi Campbell says, so it was hard to question his motives here. So yeah, he dumped Laura like she was a pile of wet beach trash. “Come and get it, seagulls!” Hakeem shouted at the sky.
Anika paid Rhonda a visit in an insane outfit that was actually pretty typical of how ALL of these characters dressed during visiting hours. She was here to ask Rhonda how she was feeling and to just generally act shady. But in my opinion we didn’t actually SEE that Anika had pushed Rhonda, which was a weird thing for the show to keep a secret. My guess is it’s misdirection and some other person did it, but who knows. For now the main important thing was that Anika was secretly gloating that HER future Lyon offspring would be the new heir to the Empire or whatever. Ladies, relax with the heir stuff already, it’s kinda icky.
As for Jamal, he legally changed his name to ZZZZZZZZ because come on, Empire. Put a little pep in this plotline’s step! The main thing was that this gay record executive dude wanted Jamal to stop closeting himself in the media (or something?). I honestly can’t remember. Jamal covered George Michael at some point, but please don’t ask me which song. I feel like someone holds a Men In Black zapper up to my face anytime Jamal is onscreen and this has been true for a while.
I did enjoy the part where he feebly defended doing sex to Alicia Keys and Cookie just couldn’t wrap her brain around it, because why should she? No explanation of the Kinsey Scale was going to make up for how lame that incident was. Honestly more scenes should involve Cookie literally slapping sense into people. 100% of the scenes, really.
While everyone else was out trying on fur coats or explaining the sexuality spectrum to their mothers in hospital parking lots, Lucious had bigger fish to fry. In this case he decided to fall in with a gang of middle-aged men and pull pranks on everybody! Like, check out this sweet prank he pulled:
Take that, lady! Okay, to be honest the plan was he needed to terrorize and intimidate everyone on the Empire board so that none of them would run for CEO of the company. Which I guess would pave the way for this to happen:
Hakeem jumped up on the table and announced that HE would take charge. Although if I am being honest, I got nervous that he was gonna slip on that pencil. Be careful, tiny hunk!
Rhonda came home from the hospital and politely requested a refreshing glass of vodka, but Andre would not give it to her. Then when he left the room she tried to climb the stairs but only got about four steps up before collapsing onto her back somehow. Rhonda’s road to recovery was going to be a long one.
After Cookie made the poignant confession that she too had once experienced a miscarriage, Andre and Jamal were moved to team up with her and plot to reintegrate themselves into Empire. To do that she needed to get hired as the new A&R person, and also cut a deal with Hakeem to let Empire release his album instead of Lyon Dynasty. Or whatever, it truly doesn’t matter. What matters is that Hakeem was wearing a suit that was nothing short of MIND-BENDING.
Like, pardon me? And let’s not even get into the matching sneakers, which looked like a pair of tiny cardboard wigwams. Classic Hakeem! Also he was irritated that Naomi Campbell kept telling him to slag his family, so he clearly made a decision in his heart to allow them back into the business. So really it was just Lucious who was out on his own now.
Except Cookie gave him free reign over the Lyon Dynasty recording studio, so he was kind of back in in a way also. I loved when she slapped his butt, that was cute. What a pair.
Hakeem felt bad for breaking up with Laura on Naomi Campbell’s command, so he tracked her down and they did sex. Which was significant I suppose, because she’d been a virgin. Not no more! (The pan-up from their sexual encounter to the large crucifix hanging over her bed was a very tasteful touch. Those Empire promos that aired during the Tyler Perry Passion Live! special were right: This show IS religious!)
The thrilling final scene involved Lucious luring Hakeem to the same weird overpass where he’d once shot Bunky in the face. There Lucious gave Hakeem a gun and demanded to be shot, and if Hakeem failed to do so then Lucious would murder Hakeem in the future. SURE, DUDE. Like, what show do the writers think we’re watching here? The Sopranos? Not going to happen. Neither of these guys is going to murder the other and that’s a fact. So, of course Hakeem dropped the gun and politely excused himself. Get real, Empire.
But also, never get real because I love how unreal you are. “Death Will Have His Day” may not have been the barn-burner we were hoping and expecting it would be, but just from a scene by scene experiential basis it was fun as h*ck. Will it ever truly feel as magical and unexpected and ridiculous as Season 1? Maybe not! But what it’s become is reliably low-level compelling in an almost comforting way. Hard to be mad about that.
What did YOU think of “Death Will Have His Day”?
Empire airs Wednesdays at 9 p.m. on Fox
