Empire Recap: Brothers at Arms

Michael Slezak
TVLine.com

Cookie, get the broom!

Look, Empire‘s Hakeem Lyon has as much right to a sibling squabble as the rest of us. But when Babyface Finster allows his sicko daddy (aka the dude who dropped a nuclear bomb on Hakeem’s wedding a few months back — with a dead sister-in-law literally dropped on top for good measure!) to get in his ear and spur him into a very public, verrrry homophobic rant against brothers Jamal and Andre, I can’t be blamed for wanting the family matriarch to knock some sense into her youngest.

RELATED10 Times TV (From Buffy to Grey’s to SVU) Showed Us That All Was Not Lost

Picture it: Cookie, clapping back at her ex’s “Boom Boom Boom Boom” with a little “Thwack Thwack Thwack Thwack.”

Plus, ‘Keem could use his mom’s weapon of choice to clean up his deplorable bachelor pad, which, as we learn this week is Rated S… for “Smell Like My Ass in Here!” (Thanks, Cookie!)

On that colorful note, let’s recap the umpteen deplorable goings-on going down in Season 3, Episode 5, “One Before Another”:

RELATEDScandal Season 6 Gets January Premiere Date — Watch the Full Trailer

HE’S TOO SHYNE, SHYNE… | Before we give out our Irrational Baddie of the Week prize, an observation: Andre cooks eggs without a shirt? #Brave Anyhow, recently beaten-down Shyne shows up at the eldest Lyon son’s door with a gun, a posse and a plan for revenge, but Nessa intervenes on behalf of her spiritual brother (and outs her fling with ‘Dre in the process). Side note: Did Ghost Rhonda not stick around for brekkie?

Nessa is pissed that Andre lied by omission about scraping his knuckles against Shyne’s cranium. But the two of ’em — filled with lust and self-promotion — broker a truce between Lucious and Shyne that almost goes sideways, ’til Anika strolls in and suggests an Empire imprint that’ll be all Shyne’s. And what’s this? He wants Freda Gatz on his roster!

MAKE EMPIRE EXTREME AGAIN | Hakeem has a big live stream all set, but no musical inspiration. Jamal, meanwhile, has a profound case of PTSD, but a hot beat provided by the even hotter D-Major. They agree to collaborate on a concert — straight from Jamal’s living room — but, of course Lucioius treats the tentative alliance between the siblings like a Rottweiler standing over a teacup poodle’s wee-wee pad. Hakeem catches his dad reading baby Bella the world’s least appropriate bedtime story (a Khalil Gibran piece about unleashing your inner destroyer), and Lucious plants the seed that he needs to go harder than Jamal’s envisioning. On the day of the concert — Cookie, you really let Lucious past security — the Lyon patriarch spills the beans to a smitten Hakeem that Andre has already bedded Nessa. And thus, the spoiled brat explodes with a dis track against his brothers — punctuated by this nasty slur against Jamal, the guy who’s had his back always and forever: “You been dressin’ like a girl since you were 10!” Would this really play with a modern music market in 2016? Oh wait, I just had a day-after-the-election CTRL+ALT+DEL moment: Please let’s pretend I never asked that!

SHE’S HOLDING OUT FOR A HERO ‘TIL THE MORNING LIGHT | Cookie shows up with coffee (and extra interpersonal sweetener) for a meeting with her parole officer — but there’s a vicious chill in the air (thanks, Tariq!) and a demand that Cookie start reporting three times a week, as opposed to once every three months. Cookie assumes it’s related to Angelo’s impending mayoral run — “My only issue is being told what issues I have,” she hisses at him during a fight that once again delays their inevitable sexytimes — but dude is not about to let his thing with Cookie crumble. He uses his political sway to make everything right with Cookie’s parole, then tells her: “Baby girl, I’m not talking about fighting with you — I’m talking about fighting for you.” HOT!

IN OTHER NEWS | Rule No. 1 of Empire: Do not “white mansplain” to Becky. Rule No. 2: Do not double-cross Becky by selling her out to Cookie and getting her on Tiana’s bad side. Granted, Becky deserves better than a B Plot involving the Zzz-inducing Tiana, but at least she’s not MIA like Ghost Rhonda, Porsha and Lucious knife-wiedling mama, right?

What did you think of this week’s Empire? Are you furious with Hakeem too? Share your thoughts in the comments!

Related stories

The Passage Vampire Book Trilogy Gets a Drama Pilot Order From Fox

Pitch's Mark-Paul Gosselaar Talks Mike's Past, Assures Fans the Baseball Drama Will 'Absolutely' Return

Ratings: Empire Returns From Month Break to Series Lows, Still Tops Night

Get more from TVLine: Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, Newsletter