I brought exceedingly low expectations to Day 2 of Kris, the new daytime talker from Kardashian family matriarch Kris Jenner. And yet, to my surprise, I still marveled (and occasionally chuckled) at how the level of discourse plummeted like a stone from a highrise balcony.
Read on for the Top 12 Moments of Total Idiocy from the Talk Show That’s Less Fun Than Getting Pinned Beneath a Falling Flat-Screen (TM Pending).
12. The look of abject terror on Sparky’s face (above) as he was about to be sucked into the celebreality television vortex.
11. “Jesus, for sure…it has to be: I have a lot of questions!” –Kris, answering a viewer query about which guests (alive or dead) would be on the list at her ultimate dinner party. (Meanwhile, you know Jesus was all, “What? I haven’t suffered enough?”)
10. This sad, sad photo of a “unicorn” taken at a birthday party for Kris’ granddaughter. Look closely at the animal’s eyes, and you can almost hear it saying, “Oh hell to the neigh! As if this headgear isn’t humiliating enough, now you tell me I’m gonna be on that s***-show Keeping Up With the Kardashians?”
9. “One of the most special times was when Oprah came over to the house. I mean, it’s Oprah!” –Kris, in shameless name-drop mode
8. “I thought it was soy sauce!” –Kris, after being informed that she’d just poured a dish of balsamic vinegar into a sloppy Joe mixture during a cooking segment with Nadia G
7. “Say it in Italian!” –Kris, attempting to get flirty with cohost Antonio Sabato, Jr., after being told by a “fashion” “expert” that one of her best colors is “viola”
6. This exchange about the indignities endured by the common class:
Style “expert” Daniel Musto: For my clients, when they shop on their own, they’re always so confused because the mall is so overwhelming.
Kris: It is!
5. “I think this is a real inspiration to people that have pets and don’t get out and do this. Because I know that as my dog ages, she eats and doesn’t get as much exercise. And you don’t want a fat animal. I think it’s amazing.”–Kris, after watching Biggest Loser star Dovette Quince and a small dog demostrate a “workout” that involved each of them stepping up onto a stool
4. “I wet myself!” –Kris, after finishing second (out of two) in an indoor go-kart race
3. Kris demonstrating her literary aptitude: “What was the pig’s name in Charlotte’s Web? Babe!” (Clearly, Kris is destined to follow in Oprah’s footsteps and become a champion of classic literature and cutting-edge new authors. If she can find a way to do it without actually having to read anything, that is.)
2. “Stop at the paint store. Pick up a bunch of paint swatches that interest you. Take them home, get buck naked, check yourself out in the mirror and hold some swatches up…See what really pops on you!” –Style guru Daniel Musto offering super-practical advice for how to make clothing shopping easier (See how upsetting the accompanying screengrab is now that you know what’s prompting Kris’ mischievous smile?)
1. “See? The dog is smarter than I am!” –Kris, after failing to navigate a course of four orange cones during a “workout” segment with little Sparky (Hey, those are her words, not mine!)
Have you caught any of Kris Jenner’s talk show? If so, how many brain cells do you think it killed? How many days or weeks do you think it’ll last? And were you overcome with a sudden and terrible fear that Kris was going to give away copies of daughter Kim’s empire-launching sex tape as today’s audience-member gift (or is that just my dark mind at work)? Sound off below!