Donald Trump approached the presumably germ-free stage of The Dr. Oz Show on Thursday with a degree of solemnity. “I view this, in a way, as going to see my doctor,” Trump said, and the studio audience clapped vigorously, whether for the TV host or in agreement that this was what the kids call a “safe space” — going on a syndicated TV show with a man who has hustled his viewers about the Raspberry Ketone diet and Pure Green Coffee.
Ol’ Doc Oz set up Trump for the big (non-)reveal, wondering with feigned curiosity why hasn’t Trump released the result of his recent medical exam. Trump, maintaining his poker face, reached toward his suit jacket pocket and said, “I have it right here.” Turning to the audience, he asked the assembled group, “I mean, should I do it? I don’t care.” As the audience clapped, I believed Trump: I don’t think he did care. He was going to pull out that one page from gastroenterologist Dr. Harold Bornstein even if the audience had stood up and bellowed, “No! Don’t show us!”
Oz had peppered Trump with his own version of a checkup, running through a long but rapid list, asking whether Trump had had a stroke, any “lung complaints,” “bladder or prostate issues,” and “personal cancer.” Nope, nope, nope, and nope. Or, as Trump so eloquently put it, “I don’t get much with the colds.” Later, he added that he could never hide his medical condition anyway because, “If I’m in the hospital, it’s gonna be out there, big league.”
Oz never questioned the seriousness of Bornstein’s earlier medical evaluation that decreed Trump “will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.” Professional courtesy among hustlers prevailed, one assumed. (I must admit, every time Trump talks about Bornstein, I hear Rodney Dangerfield in my head, talking about his own physician, Dr. Vinnie Boombatz.)
Oz could barely stretch the medical news for more than 20 minutes of his hour, so Trump hauled out daughter Ivanka to talk up dad’s recently announced health care plan and to defend her father against what Oz said was his history of “saying unkind things about women.” Oz didn’t get any further with this than any number of seasoned journalists, but he’s not a journalist, is he now?
From there, Oz provided a platform for Trump to take a cheerful swipe at “Obamacare, as it’s called,” and Trump laid out his own detailed medical-care plan. Are you ready? “We will have plans that you don’t even know about right now …Iit’ll be a beautiful thing to see.” Trump passed the rigorous Oz inspection with flying colors. And, if you believe that, I’ve got some Dr. Oz-approved hot pepper jelly to sell you.
The Dr. Oz Show airs weekdays in syndication. Check your local listings.