'Dancing With the Stars' Season Finale Recap: A Thing of Booty

Let the shimmery tears flow like Len Goodman’s final on-screen bottle of champagne: Dancing With the Stars’s Season 20 winners are… Rumer Willis and Valentin Chmerkovskiy! This sexy pair of emotional spark plugs finished off their fairy tale journey with a foxtrot/paso doble fusion worth its weight in Bruce Willis’s tears or gold, depending on your measure of ballroom excellence. One final curtsy and “DEFINITELY the last 10 from Len” later, the former sea witch and her eel had sealed the deal.

I think what I’ll miss most is their subtle BODY LANGUAGE. Hah!

That’s right, first-time winner. Hug it out.

Runners-up Riker Lynch and Allison Holker certainly gave Rumer and Val a run for their pile of gem-studded bodysuits, especially during the final “24-Hour Fusion” round of dances. Judge Julianne could not believe they pulled off such a sharp and clean salsa/quickstep fusion (but couldn’t anyone at least fake this, because WHAT IS IT?) in such a short time. “If this whole competition was based off of showmanship, it’s yours,” she told her cousin Riker while not so subtly cementing into place Rumer’s win. Sure, Riker’s flashy. But I must admit I spent most of this dance laser-focused on Allison’s strangely shaped butt patch.

I worried it might just fly off into the glittery atmosphere of Planet Mirrorballus, never to gleam again. But the patch stayed on. Those body gluers do not mess around. I should never have doubted them.

Noah Galloway and Sharna Burgess came in third after a brilliant cha cha/Argentine tango fusion, at the end of which they hung on for one more stunning Will They/Won’t They (Fall) pose for the ages.

Hell no they did not fall! The man is a “beyond epic” warrior legend who has learned one of the greatest lessons out there: When in doubt, remove shirt. Noah leaves the ballroom much, much tanner and just a little bit less afraid to cry. Over the past 10 weeks, he’s received a profound emotional education from the best in the biz.

But how? Noah might have wondered. Where will the magic COME from?

YES. Tom Bergeron for the heart-exploding-into-many-other-hearts win! #sparklebarf

All of Season 20’s contestants returned, plus Season 19 BFFs Sadie Robertson and Alfonso Ribeiro. I was going to make you guess which one of them will be replacing Tom Bergeron as host of America’s Funniest Videos, but then realized we live in such a strange world that it really could be either one of them.

It’s Fons. Congrats, Fons! Everybody do the Carlton, and get used to it.

Now, in honor of our dearly departing judge Len Goodman aka DANCMSTR aka Grumpy aka the light of my life, I present my Top 7 (“Seh-vehhhhhn!”) Other Moments of the Season 20 Finale:

7. Redfoo reminding us exactly why he was eliminated first.

6. Amy Purdy and Sharna’s “bicycle legs” in sync, sort of.

5.5 (“Five and a Hoff”): That one time Left Shark almost ate Derek.

5. Emma’s exquisite convertible-writhing during musical guest Jason Derulo’s spirited out-of-breath romp through what honestly looked like Sesame Street at the beginning. Let this shot also serve as my love letter to Emma in general.

4. Rumer and Val’s “mirrorball image” — a somewhat hidden gem gently hinting at their win. Pixelated for our pleasure.

3. Kobe Bryant doing “the Tristan MacManus” after Derek, Julianne, and their younger counterparts danced their elastic hearts out under the window-watch of a certain lampshade named Sia.

2. Patti Labelle with her new blond highlights, truly a Golden Mirrorball Trophy in her own right.

1. Tony Dovolani as the ballroom standard-defending action hero in the trailer for DANCE HARD. I would sell my soul to the devil himself (Mark Ballas in the White Rabbit costume) for a chance to watch this full-length film.

One final booty pop, for good measure…

…and that’s a wrap on Season 20! Nothin’ left to do now but secure your DWTS Tour tickets and pretend you are Erin Andrews and that time has frozen right at this moment.

Thank you for keeping up with my recaps here at Yahoo TV, gem hunters. Have a wonderfully sparkly summer, and be sure to watch out for crabs!

Just kidding. There’s no escape.

XOXO,

Fringe Fairy