‘Celebrity Apprentice’ Season Premiere Recap: New Boss in Town

Warning: This recap for the “In Here You Call Me Governor” episode of The New Celebrity Apprentice contains spoilers.

It’s time to head back to the boardroom in The New Celebrity Apprentice! A show that can kick-start a fading career just as easily as it can launch a successful presidential campaign. I say that half-jokingly, but the power of reality TV can no longer by sneered at and brushed aside. We’re living in a culture where reality TV has a bigger influence on the political landscape than any debate or expertly researched think piece. All I’m saying is in four years’ time, don’t be surprised if Snooki is ready to make America “smush” again.

What’s new about this season? Well, it has the word “new” in the title for one, which must mean it’s different. It also has a new boss. Hollywood muscleman and former governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger is the new “Chairman of the Board,” as the show refers to him. It’s a less exciting title than I was expecting. Why not Predator of the Panel? Or Commando of the Committee?

The show has also traded in the New York City skyscrapers for the tech world of Silicon Valley and promises to be more focused on technology and innovation than ever before. I can’t wait for the episode where Boy George creates the world’s first fully conscious housecleaning robot — just don’t leave it alone with Arnie.

Speaking of Arnold, he is also bringing with him a selection of new advisers. In the season premiere, he is joined by his nephew, entertainment attorney Patrick Knapp Schwarzenegger, and model/businesswoman and self-promotion machine Tyra Banks. Along the way, he’ll be accompanied by former Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer, business magnate Warren Buffett, and the Honest Company co-founder and actress Jessica Alba. A far more heavy-hitting lineup than former host Donald Trump’s sycophantic, dead-eyed kids.

Related: Schwarzenegger Comes Across as ‘A Little Desperate’ in ‘New Celebrity Apprentice,’ Says Ken Tucker

While we’re on Trump, I suppose we should address the giant tangerine elephant in the room. Yes, President-elect Donald Trump still has an executive producer credit on the new season. That brings up all sorts of ethical questions regarding conflict of interest and whether the president should be receiving a check from a TV show, especially a show that is broadcast on a network with a news division (although MGM, not NBC, will pay him). It’s like finding out the queen gets a cinematographer credit every time Buckingham Palace is shown on the news.

However, it should be noted that this season was filmed back in February 2016, before NBC severed its ties with Trump and before he won the election. Trump has also tweeted that he will devote “ZERO TIME” to The New Celebrity Apprentice. So I guess we can rest easy knowing that Trump’s sole focus will be on the country and he won’t be popping up to task the stars of Real Housewives to come up with a five-point plan for Economic Affairs and Trade Policy. Although to be fair, maybe they will have better ideas.

With that ickiness put aside, let’s break down the two-hour season premiere.

Do I know you?
When the celebrity cast was first revealed, I thought I’d momentarily developed face blindness, but upon further examination, I realized that the cast was just so obscure I’d literally never seen most of these people ever in my life. The 16 celebs are made up of reality stars, former athletes, TV presenters, and washed-up singers. You know, the usual.

The first person to arrive at Schwarzenegger Inc. (which I’m guessing is about as real as Wayne Enterprises) was one of the most recognizable ’80s pop stars Boy George, a man comprised of 70 percent flesh and 30 percent hat. He described himself as a “creative being,” and having seen the Karma Chameleon video, I have no reason to doubt the man.

Other familiar faces include former SNL star and comedian Jon Lovitz, who rocked up with a briefcase under his arm and a tie-wearing chihuahua, looking like a Bond villain gone horribly wrong. Pint-sized Jersey Shore reject and tanning bed enthusiast Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi made her presence known, alongside postsurgery Mickey Rourke look-a-like Vince Neil, from Mötley Crüe.

The remaining cast is filled out with ex-athletes (footballers Eric Dickerson and Ricky Williams, boxer — and daughter of Mohammad Ali — Laila Ali, and WNBA star and Olympic gold medalist Lisa Leslie), presenters (Queer Eye fashion guru Carson Kressley, YouTuber Carrie Keagan, Dancing With the Stars host Brooke Burke-Charvet, and American Ninja Warrior host Matt Iseman), Real Housewives (Kyle Richards and Porsha Williams), and singer Carnie Wilson. Oh, and former UFC fighter Chael Sonnen, who I think forgot to turn up for this episode.

The boss man
The cast was greeted by the new secretary of Schwarzenegger Inc. (located next door to Stark Industries), Melissa Santos, best known for being the ring announcer on El Rey Network’s gloriously gritty wrestling show Lucha Underground. I’m assuming they hired her because she has experience being around slightly creepy jacked-up muscleheads.

After a ridiculously over-the-top video package that included exiting a helicopter in slo-mo and puffing on a cigar like Hannibal in the A-Team, Arnold made his grand entrance. He told the unwitting celebs that they are here to help businesses and raise money for their chosen charities; he is there to terminate them one by one. In this case, to be terminated simply means to be fired, not dropped into a vat of molten steel, unfortunately.

What’s in a name?
The celebs were divided into two teams, men vs. women, and had to come up with team names before they began their first project. Usually the “coming up with names” part of the show is good for a few laughs; I mean, who can ever forget “Empresario,” or the pessimistic-sounding “Plan B,” or my favorite, “KOTU” (aka Kings of the Universe)?

But there were no terrible acronyms to be had here, just some lighthearted suggestions from the men (Team Flex and Team Pump got Carson excited), and some decent but quickly discarded options from the women (Renaissance Angels, Mavericks, Vagina… that last one was a Snooki contribution, obviously). In the end, both teams settled on rather dull names. “Arete” for the men, a suggestion from Ricky which apparently means “striving for excellence” in Greek, and “Prima” for the women, which means a kind of apple… wait, that can’t be right?

We came, we saw, we contoured
The first project was basically a promotional tool for Tyra Bank’s latest beauty product line, Tyra Beauty. That’s pretty much what this show is now, one mass advertising campaign. Each team had to create a “beauty experience” and would be tested on their presentation skills and knowledge of the Tyra Beauty brand. What I learned is that Tyra Beauty can transform your face in five minutes, but then again, so can many Beverly Hills plastic surgeons, and this cast should know that.

Nobody on the women’s team wanted to step forward to be project manager, a cursed chalice of a position, especially in the first task. Eventually, the role was pushed onto Real Housewives of Atlanta star Porsha, for the simple reason that she “likes makeup.” I like Pop-Tarts but that doesn’t mean Kellogg’s should hire me as their spokesperson (unless they’re hiring?). Meanwhile, the men forced the project manager job onto Boy George because he “understands the power of makeup.” George reluctantly accepted.

Even though the task seemed tailor-made for the women, the ladies failed to utilize their “celebrity,” instead choosing to have the provided models apply the products while Carnie walked around shouting “FRESH and FIERCE!” in a sort of operatic yell. The “manly men,” however, had the idea of applying the makeup themselves, to demonstrate how easy the products were to use. Even though the men’s presentation descended into dick jokes — “Everyone wants a long, thick … eyelash,” Eric quipped at one point — their energetic performance and product knowledge was enough to win them the task.

You’re terminated
Back in the boardroom at Schwarzenegger Inc. (behind Acme Corp. on the Fortune 500 list), Arnold sent Carrie Keagan packing. The YouTube host hadn’t really done anything wrong, apart from providing less entertainment value than Porsha and Snooki, whom she was up against in the bottom three. “Carrie, you’re terminated. Now, get to da choppa,” Arnie said, before chomping on another cigar. The fact that there was an actual chopper waiting for Carrie made this moment hilariously brilliant.

There was much speculation about what Arnie’s replacement line for “You’re fired” would be, and most bets were on “You’re terminated.” While he did use that line, he seems to be mixing it up as he goes along because later in the episode he used, “You’re terminated. Hasta la vista, baby!” Now, Arnie’s got a lot of famous lines, but at this rate by the time we get to Episode 6 he’ll be digging out, “You’re terminated. Now, get your ass to Mars!”

Wipe the smile off your face
In the second hour, the task was taken over by Trident chewing gum, as the two teams had to create an original song and video that incorporated Trident’s campaign of “capturing all life’s smiles.”

Jon Lovitz was project manager for the men, initially wanting to base the video around the stereotype of the British having bad teeth. That idea was shouted down, thankfully, and changed to a much safer option of “cherishing the moments that make you smile,” like a plate of buffalo wings or buying new shoes or having your face transformed by Tyra Beauty (damn, now I’m doing it!).

Boy George and rocker Vince were paired up to write the song. “Boy George and Vince Neil writing a song together, when are you ever going to see that?” Ricky said. Erm, I dunno, a rehab clinic? Actually, George is a recovering addict, and he didn’t take kindly to Vince drinking alcohol in the recording studio. Given Vince’s experience with alcohol-fueled criminality, I think George was rightly aggrieved.

The women, led by Carnie, were working on a concept pitched by Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Kyle Richards, based around “the knockout smile” and utilizing Laila Ali as a central part of the video. A video that was accidentally filmed sideways by Lisa Leslie, like a drunk teenager shooting a concert on his GoPro. Despite this goof, Lisa was the only woman who questioned the video’s concept, realizing that they were neglecting the “capturing all life’s smiles” part of the campaign. However, her concerns fell on deaf ears, and she was told to get on with it and film the video the right way up.

Carnie carnage
Carnie really has no excuse for her firing, sorry, I mean, termination. Despite being the project manager, she had the perfect scapegoat in Kyle, the woman who came up with the concept that essentially lost the women the task. The Trident execs loved the videography (after it was correctly aligned) but didn’t think the idea fit their campaign. Also, the shot of Snooki opening her mouth, causing Laila to pass out, probably sent out the wrong message — less knockout smile and more … bad breath.

But Carnie didn’t bring Kyle back to the boardroom. Instead, she chose to bring in Lisa and Snooki. Lisa called Carnie out, saying she made a mistake bringing her back, and she effortlessly annihilated her in front of the governor and his advisers. It wasn’t a hard decision for Arnold to send Carnie to the vat of molten steel.

Arnie performance review
So how did Arnold do in his first night on the job at Schwarzenegger Inc. (an offshoot of Cyberdyne Systems)?

He was certainly a more intimidating presence than Trump — I mean, just look at the size of him, he’s like three Trumps combined (what a horrible thought). But he didn’t quite deliver that intimidation factor in the boardroom; he was rather stilted and quick to let people off the hook, apart from when he told his friend Jon Lovitz: “In here you call me governor. Not Arnold.” A statement that is both frightening and surely illegal in the state of California?

In the second hour, he did start to find his footing somewhat, giving a death stare to the women’s team when they talked over him (great editing when the music suddenly stopped), and chastising Snooki for not giving a straight answer. His best moments, though, were when he’d veer off into anecdotes about his past, like the time he marched around a Munich marketplace naked when he was 19; I can’t quite remember what his point was, but it was fascinating and gross, which sums up The New Celebrity Apprentice pretty well.

What did you think of Mr. Schwarzenegger? Did the right people get terminated? Who are the early winner contenders? What catchphrase will Arnie use next week? Let us know in the comments below.

The New Celebrity Apprentice airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on NBC. Watch clips and full episodes of Celebrity Apprentice on Yahoo View.