Chaz Bono Is Only Three-Years-Old

Daytime in No Time

"Access Hollywood Live": One of my coworkers said he couldn't believe that Chaz Bono is 43-years-old, but I felt like I had to correct him. You see Chaz Bono is only three-years-old, and Chastity Bono was 40-years-old! It's simple transgender math here people! I'm pretty sure you take the years he was a woman and times that by Pi and then minus the years he has been a man and then add in Cher's butt-less pants from her "Turn Back Time" video and you've got your answer!

"Ellen": I guess when Maria Menounos agreed to pose in the buff for "Allure" magazine, she didn't bother to tell her dad... because when they put the racy pics up on the big screen, and then cut to her Papou in the audience, he almost had a Big Fat Greek Heart Attack. Not cool, Ellen! Just see if you get any of Mrs. Menounos's homemade baklava now...

"Today": I thought I'd seen the worst music video ever, but then I played back the video blog I recorded for you where I sing the day's show topics… and that's the worst music video ever. See it on my Facebook fan page!

"GDNY": It's pretty obvious that I'm in love with Jeremy Kyle for a multitude of reasons, and that was before I saw him on "GDNY" today! The way he made Greg stutter and squirm in his seat was so magical, I fell in love with Jeremy all over again! Just don't tell his wife… although after what happened between Jeremy and Rosanna I don't think his wife would care if I made a move!

"Live! with Kelly": Man, this co-host search is starting to get a little painful. No offense to Jesse Palmer, but based on the amazingly long silences between "jokes" on today's show, you're the frontrunner to land the gig... assuming they're changing the name of the show from "Live" to "Dead Air! With Jesse and Kelly".

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