12 Awesomely Ridiculous Resolutions I Can Actually Keep
I'm so tired of looking back at the resolutions of the past year and realizing they lasted no longer than a week, which is why this year, my resolutions for 2014 are way less ambitious.
1. Eat More Carbs
Screw gluten free, I'm going to add carbs and gluten to my diet with reckless abandon. Yep, I'll start each meal with a generous helping of bread and rolls onto which I will spread an obnoxious amount of butter. I'll stuff food into my mouth with such fervor it'll make other diners uncomfortable to watch. I also vow to eat everything à la mode, including ice cream.
2. Forget an Old Language
This year, not only am I not going to learn a new language, I'm going to let my brain atrophy to forget the one I already know. I'll watch endless episodes of Adventure Time and Regular Show. I'll quit doing crosswords and speaking in complete sentences. I'll break all grammatical rules: I will misplace modifiers, dangle participles and end sentences in prepositions. I will express my thoughts through that African clicking language, modern dance and a set of bongos that I intend to wear around my neck.
3. Be Less Patient
I vow to be aggravated, exasperated and ready to blow my stack at the slightest misstep. The next time my son wants help with his homework I'll say, "That's it! Clearly this whole elementary education thing is not for you. If you don't know how to spell 'Discerning' by now, you never will... Now, go get a job! Oh, and take your sister with you, she spends way too much time on the potty."
4. Nag More
For over a decade, my husband has not picked up a wet towel, washed ketchup off of a dish, changed a light bulb or remembered trash day without a divorce threat -- ahem -- friendly reminder. This year, I vow to be relentless in my nagging. I will lay immediate blame using words like "always" and "never." As in, "I always," and "you never." I will amp up the guilt with, "I do everything around here" or something unarguable like, "It's obvious by your refusal to change a light bulb that you don't love me anymore." If all goes well, I'll be nagging him to go to couples therapy by 2015.
5. Workout Less
I will do absolutely nothing of any value, physically. If I need the proverbial cup of sugar, I will drive to my neighbor's door and beep until she comes out and hands it to me. I'll boycott stairs and get myself one of those people movers to tuck my kids in at night. Lastly, I'm going to cancel my gym membership and use the money I save to buy more ice cream.
6. Binge-Watch More Television
My stint with Breaking Bad (4 seasons in 2 weeks) was child's play. I'm going back to 2000 and watching every series that was made this millennium - in its entirety. I'm talking all of them: Weeds, Lost, Mad Men, Nip Tuck, Game of Thrones, iCarly ... Reba. It may take all year, but I will never let another reference go over my head.
7. Hold Grudges
This year, I vow to forgive no one. I don't care if you step on my toe, or renege on a $5 bet, you will go on "The List" in permanent ink and I will twirl my imaginary handlebar mustache as I think about how to get revenge. I vow to hate you forever and never forget how you wronged me.