Happy birthday — now, go home!
It's Cassandra's birthday this week on "The Bachelor," and Juan Pablo will make her cry if he wants to. For a sensitive guy who purports to hate hurting people's feelings, he's two for two these past couple of weeks. First, he blamed Clare for their midnight ocean romp and made her cry. Now, he dumps Cassandra on her birthday — ostensibly so she can see her son again ASAP — and makes her cry, too.
Nothing says Happy Birthday like getting dumped, in the rain, at the hobbit village. #Bachelor— Final Rose (@TheFinalRose) February 11, 2014
Then, Sharleen cries after the rose ceremony, even though she had a rose, because Kat is eliminated even though she really likes Juan Pablo and Sharleen maybe doesn't. Make up your mind, woman!
And of course, Juan Pablo sheds a few tears because he's the most emo lead (using Chris Harrison voice) in "Bachelor" history.
Check out our rundown on this week's "Bachelor" in New Zealand:
One-on-one with Andi
Finally, Andi gets her long-awaited one-on-one! In fact, she's the last of the eight women left to get a private date. Juan Pablo takes her on a river boat ride, then forces her to swim in freezing cold waters through a tiny crevice between caves.
this cave tunnel nightmare is a great way to tell girls they cant weigh more than 95 pounds in order to be a contestant on the #bachelor— a milania parody (@TheFauxMilaniaG) February 11, 2014
The date card alluded to heating things up, so there must be something warm at the end of this chilly adventure, right? Yup, Juan Pablo leads Andi to a hot spring/waterfall and they make out under the gushing water (which frankly looks a bit uncomfortable).
Later, they try to have dinner in front of the geyser, but it ends up just soaking them in mist, so they have to flee on foot. At a safer distance, Andi opens up to Juan Pablo about what she's looking for — love, a partner, family.
Andi," I am so excited to have a family." Great first date material...Im using that from now on. #bachelor— Brooks Forester (@brooksforester) February 11, 2014
He's clearly smitten and pulls a rose out of his jacket. Andi accepts and they make out some more.
Group date: Sharleen, Chelsie, Renee, Nikki, Kat, and Cassandra
Cassandra is bummed that she didn't get the second one-on-one date of the week because it's her birthday. Well, at the least, Juan can give her the group date rose as a present. Dun dun dun …
Juan Pablo takes the women to a field where they go "zorbing" in Ogo balls, these giant, clear plastic balls filled with water. Kat and Chelsie, in particular, seem to have a rip-roaring good time, but it looks like a dizzying nightmare to us.
Rolling down a hill in a ball...so he wants them all barfing on this date...#bachelor— Lauren Howell (@LaurenBrook85) February 11, 2014
But things get so much better that night when Juan Pablo takes them to dinner at Hobbiton! You know, that place where they filmed "Lord of the Rings"! Best. Date. Ever.
He takes the girls aside individually, starting with Renee, who says she's happy that he doesn't view her son as "baggage." After that, Nikki confesses that she's really falling him.
Then, comes Sharleen. When she and Juan Pablo sit to chat, he immediately kisses her. "You cut to the chase," she comments, as he looks confused. He tries to kiss her some more, but she awkwardly cuts him off to ask how his day went. Wow, could this woman possibly be less into Juan Pablo?
Why am I getting so creeped out over Sharleen on the #bachelor? I have to flip the channel when she kisses him... whats up w/ her tongue?— stacy lomman (@stacylomman) February 11, 2014
He spends some time with Cassandra, who raves about how this experience has opened her heart again and made her realize she wants more than to be a mother to her son.
They return to the group, where Juan Pablo picks up the group date rose and gives it to … Sharleen! Seriously? Cassandra looks shocked. The other girls look shocked. All of Twitter is shocked.
Then, Juan Pablo shocks them all even more by asking to talk to Cassandra alone. Well, he probably wants to wish her a happy birthday. NOPE. Instead, he gently breaks up with her, saying he doesn't think they have a future together. And rather than make her wait two days for the rose ceremony, he wants her to get back to her son sooner.
Soooo the takeaway here is that Pabby loves birthdays? #bachelor— Jaclyn Swartz (@JaclynSwartz) February 11, 2014
He puts her in a car and bids her goodbye. Cass looks like she's in shock and cries in the backseat. Juan Pablo wanders back to the hobbit house as a supersad song plays in the background.
One-on-one with Clare
Alright, fireworks time. Last week, Juan Pablo was a jerk to Clare by blaming her for seducing him into taking a late night ocean swim. She cried, he backpedaled. Now, they have another date and can really talk.
Clare is appropriately feisty in standing up for herself, asking Juan Pablo why he went along if he didn't feel comfortable with it. Juan Pablo mumbles something about not hurting her feelings, which he ended up doing anyway.
Juan Pablos still trying to put the underwater hook-up on Clare. She's pushing him - and good for her. #bachelor— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) February 11, 2014
In the end, they talk it out and kiss and make up. Later that evening, they share a cozy dinner at his pad. He has her change into some comfy sweatpants and they snuggle. And Clare gets a rose.
Hey, Chris Harrison! The host pops by to chat with Juan Pablo before the cocktail party. The bachelor is feeling like things are getting serious with some of the women and feels he could end up proposing … but to who?
At the party, he takes aside Nikki and they have a nonsensical conversation about how much they like each other. Then, he spends time with Renee, having guessed that she might be feeling nervous being the only single mom left after Cassandra's departure. He assures her he wants her there, and says he's "hypnotized" by her eyes.
The only other two women without roses are Chelsie and Kat, and each think the other is going home. Oh dear.
Saying "I think blank is going home" on the bachelor is basically saying "Ill be back" in a scary movie. #TheBachelor— Kelly Travis (@kellytravisty) February 11, 2014
They each get some private conversation with him, but it's clear that he has more physical chemistry with Chelsie. Meanwhile, Kat unburdens a heavy story about her alcoholic father on him. Juan Pablo tries to look understanding, but seems bored.
Time for the rose ceremony! Andi, Sharleen, and Clare have roses. Juan Pablo gives out the remaining roses to: Nikki, Renee, and Chelsie.
And the inevitable happens — Kat is going home. She knew that her relationship with Juan wasn't as far along as the other girls, yet she's still surprised, for some reason.
So is Sharleen, since the waterworks start. She's confused about her feelings — she's happy to be there, yet guilty at the same time. Maybe some of the other women suit Juan Pablo better. Sharleen decides to give this thing another week, but she might just be ready to hightail it out of there!
This week's superlatives:
Frontrunner: Clare. Their connection is stronger after resolving their quasi-argument.
Quote of the Week: "Whoever steps in the most poops, wins." — Juan Pablo
Awkward Moment of the Week: Every time one of the women plopped out of the Ogo balls. Just gross.
Crazy Moment of the Week: Juan Pablo and Chelsie blowing on grass whistles. Didn't he just say the field was full of poop?
MVP: Supersweet Andi. Why she hasn't gotten a date yet is beyond our comprehension.
Best Outfit: Nikki's off-the-shoulder red hot dress.
Worst Outfit: Those drop-crotch sweatpants that Juan Pablo gave Clare to wear.
"The Bachelor" airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.