NBC's The Mysteries of Laura is the worst new show of the fall TV season. And we're not the only ones who think so — critics agree, Twitter agrees, it's practically a fact. If you watched the sneak preview, we're sure you cringed at least a handful of times. If you didn't watch, smart move, but don't you want to know what made it all so bad? Here we go!
* The pilot opened up on a shoot-out, and when the suspect escaped on foot we got a very glamorous glimpse at the work life of Detective Laura Diamond (Debra Messing). But we didn't see her face at first — just the filthy inside of her mom car:
* When she cut the suspect off and he took a hostage at gunpoint, she went off about being Type A before telling him she was going to count to three. Like he was a child. (Because she also has naughty children, you see!)
* And then she shot the suspect in the ear. But that wasn't the crazy part — the most insane thing was her using a baby wipe to clean the blood off the hostage's face. Did we mention she's a cop and a mom?
* Later, when she's responding to a "911 at Newhall," she walks in to an apparent crime scene — a room splattered in red. No surprise: It's those naughty kids of hers, covered in paint and in trouble at school. Well, that's one of Laura's mysteries solved! How does she do it?
* But don't think you know everything about her based on those scenes alone. Laura Diamond has layers. She's not just a hard-working mom, separated from her husband, and always stressed out. She's also just like us: Singing "The Warrior," Scandal's 1984 rock anthem featuring Patty Smyth, at the top of her lungs on the way to answer a police call. Bang, bang indeed.
* Even when duty calls, Laura is practical. If you're hungry and you love chocolate cheesecake, you eat a piece of chocolate cheesecake if it's offered to you, even when you're on the job.
* Lest you think Laura Diamond isn't a cool cop/cool mom, just listen to her speak. She says the word "nads" She says the word "touché." Then she says the word "word."
* While trailing a suspect at some kind of hip spa nightclub that only exists on TV, she really seems to enjoy herself while getting into a hot tub:
* Even more uncomfortable? She clumsily takes her swimsuit off under her shirt, in front of her partner and anyone with eyeballs. This one will go in Debra Messing's comedy reel for sure:
* She talks about feeling "drafty" after having a Brazilian wax. A bad enough visual, but then we have to see her like this:
After drugging her kids with cough medicine and getting vomited on, Detective Laura Diamond cracked the big case as only a woman can: With clues based on jewelry and makeup.
It wasn't all bad for Messing though — while a lot has been made of the green turtleneck she sported in the premiere (and on all the show's many billboards), she did manage to keep a straight face on top of her always-covered neck while acting opposite this ridiculous scarf:
If she has any lingering bitterness or regret about her scarf-filled Smash years, we're pretty sure this experience will erase all of that.
Watch critics name all the worst new shows of the season (Mysteries of Laura included, duh):