Congratulations, Spencer Pratt. You are officially no longer The Worst Reality TV Singer Of All Time. That (dis)honor now goes to MTV D-lister Farrah Abraham, of "Teen Mom" semi-fame, whose inappropriately titled debut single, "Finally Getting Up From Rock Bottom," puts her atop this list for 2012--and possibly in the recording hall of shame for life. Congratulations also go out to "Jersey Shore's" the Situation, because with the deserved addition of Farrah to this countdown, Sitch (who squeezed in at number 10 last year with his eponymous rap abomination, "The Situation") has been fist-pumped right off the list.
Yes, last year Reality Rocks compiled a top/bottom 10 list of the worst reality "singers" (and I use that term loosely) to ever unfortunately gain access to a microphone--and with the premiere of Farrah's new audio atrocity, it seemed time for an update. Because "Finally Getting Up From Rock Bottom" seriously makes Real Housewife Kim Zolciak's "Tardy For The Party" sound like something recorded by Adele. The Auto-Tune on Farrah's song is layered on so thick, it almost doesn't sound like she's singing in English...but obviously, no amount of studio trickery and gimmickry could ever be enough to render Farrah's strangled seal-yelp of a voice even vaguely listenable, in any language.
The fact that this song is in any way associated with MTV, a network once known for breaking great artists from the Cure to Guns N' Roses to Nirvana, positively makes me want to weep. And really, every single listen to "Finally Getting Up From Rock Bottom" will end in streaming tears, and possibly blood streaming from all listeners' eardrums. You have been warned:
Still alive? Still a glutton for aural punishment? Fine, then. Here's the rest of the worst-of list, for you musical masochists out there...
2) Spencer Pratt
I'll get to Heidi Montag eventually...but there's a more egregious Speidi offender. Let me tell you, readers, the song by Heidi's on/off worse half makes her single, "Higher," sound like the Beatles' "A Day In The Life." I mean, at least Heidi had the common sense and decency to NOT RAP...unlike MC Spencer here, who once psychotically told MTV News: "I've always known that I secretly am the hottest rapper in the game. But I didn't feel the urge until Asher Roth started hitting the airwaves and, no offense to Asher Roth--somebody with some real swagger needed to come into the game. So I'll challenge him. I'll challenge him to a freestyle or whatever. I'm the white Jay-Z in the game. I'm doing the baller thing. I'm more for the streets." Um. No. Just no.
3) Kim Kardashian
No, Kim's first (and hopefully only) single was not a cover of Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back"...although that would have been awesome, of course. Certainly more awesome than "Jam (Turn It Up)." More like "Turn It Down," I say. This basically made Paris Hilton's "Stars Are Blind" warbling sound like something by Janis Joplin, and probably even made Heidi Montag cringe (if Heidi was actually facially capable of cringing, that is). The song was reportedly recorded with The-Dream, whose writing and production work for other artists includes Beyonce's "Single Ladies," Rihanna's "Umbrella," Mary J. Blige's "Just Fine," and Mariah Carey's "Touch My Body." But sadly, it seems like Kim just dragged The-Dream down to her nightmarish level. He really should have known better. I don't even think Kim's boo Kanye West would dig this.
4) Heidi Montag
It was only a matter of time before Heidi moved on from "The Hills," but when she attempted to launch a pop music career a few years ago with "Higher," with a cheap camcorder video lensed by her man Spencer, the backlash was so swift, she was snapped by paparazzi crying in the streets over the vicious public reaction. Her album, the fittingly titled Superficial, went on to sell less than 1,000 copies total. It's no wonder Heidi had all that plastic surgery to make her look practically unrecognizable. I'd want to go into the Witness Protection Program myself, if I'd released an embarrassing song like "Higher."
5) Angelina Pivarnick
Arguably "Jersey Shore's" least-liked cast member, the Situation's ex-roommate Angelina once gave music a try as well. Her first single was creatively (and some would say incorrectly) titled "I'm Hot"--but I'm sorry, if not surprised, to say that the song was most definitely NOT hot. Not even a tanked-up Single Ronnie could get down to this not-hot mess, which belonged in one of Angelina's famous trash bags, not in any functioning stereo.
6) Tila Tequila
This former "A Shot Of Love" MTV star made her musical debut with the NSFW "Stripper Friends." Hey, at least she knew her audience. But then she covered Yoko Ono. The result was as awful as you'd imagine. And I still can't figure out which was worse: Tila's singing, or the terrible "acting" in the accompanying soap-operatic video.
7) Countess Luann
Money can't buy you class. And, as this Auto-Tuned Real Housewife proves here, it can't buy you a decent music video or song, either.
8) Daisy De La Hoya
Daisy has been unlucky in love, placing second on Bret Michaels' "Rock Of Love" and failing to find lasting romance with her chosen bad-boy bachelor, London, on her own ill-fated VH1 dating show, "Daisy Of Love." She hasn't fared much better with her musical career, but it's not hard to figure out why. She sounds pretty messed up, indeed.
9) Laurieann Gibson
Laurieann was admittedly entertaining as a judge/mentor on reality shows like "Diddy's Starmaker," "Born To Dance," "The Dance Life," and "So You Think You Can Dance." But the woman really ought to stick to dancing. I wouldn't even be surprised if this song was the real reason Laurieann parted ways last year with her longtime client, Lady Gaga. It's that bad.
10) Tyra Banks
Tyra is apparently not the queen of all media. Sure, she may know how smize, tooch her booty, and get supermodels to shriek like Publisher's Clearing House winners on cue every time she merely walks into the room or shoots off a Tyra-Mail. But singing is NOT one of Tyra's talents. After this "Top Model" Season 2 mess of a video, which starred a bunch of arrhythmic contestants, Tyra should have immediately returned to her loft, packed her belongings, and gone home.