'Bachelor in Paradise' Recap: All's Wells That Ends Wells
Warning: This recap contains spoilers for the Aug. 22 episode of Bachelor in Paradise.
Such an exciting week, rose lovers! Tomorrow we finally learn who has been crowned the Bachelor, and tonight we saw the return of Bachelor Nation’s favorite lovable dork:
Welcome, sir! So nice to have an (almost) normal guy in Paradise. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s back things up to the beginning… or more specifically, the ending of last week’s episode, with Caila passive-aggressively confronting Ashley. “He loves you… like a sister,” Caila says, and it is quite remarkable that Ashley’s head does not literally burst into flames.
“That was the most low-key dig I’ve ever heard in my life,” marvels Ashley. “I’m like, ‘Just leave me the f*** alone.'” Caila is more than happy to hoof it back to the beach, but producers tell Ashley to stay put… because here comes Jared. “Did you talk to Caila?” he asks, knowing full well that she did. That simple question is all it takes to send Ashley into yet another tailspin of tears.
“I’m having a superhard time with you being with someone else,” she wails. “I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to get over it.” Jared — who either has the patience of Job or is lacking balls, I really can’t decide — reminds Ashley that he has to figure out for himself if he and Caila are a good match. If only Ashley had someone to distract her from her Jared obsession… and from her poor dead dog/”best friend” Lucy, who died a few months ago.
One quick prayer to Lucy later, and all of Ashley’s troubles are washed away with the arrival of a certain DJ from Nashville. “It was like the Bachelor gods just opened up the pearly gates of heaven for me,” says Jared, relieved. And seeing Wells is certainly enough to turn Ashley’s frown upside-down. (Or… into a large circular maw.)
“He’s cute,” she affirms. “He’s skinny, but he’s cute.” The rest of the Bippers all but beg Wells to take Ashley out. “If Wells doesn’t ask Ashley,” says Emily, “it’s not going to be OK here.”
Crisis averted! Wells is no fool, and he knows what Team Bachelor wants him to do. It’s time for tacos, you crazy kids!
“We have lots to taco about,” notes Wells, who is proving a little too willing to be a producer puppet. Anyhow, he and Ashley chat about her “storied past” with Jared, and Ashley assures him that she’s not on this date to make Jared jealous. “I’m excited to like someone else,” she says. They go on to compare favorite bands — he likes the Talking Heads, she loves Hanson — and then bond over feeding a stray dog. “I think that Ashley and I have a connection,” says Wells, sounding a little surprised. Welp, you’d better kiss on it, you two!
It was hard for me to watch this and not wonder if they took a two-minute Listerine break before smooching, because tacos are not exactly conducive to fresh breath. “You waited a long time [to kiss] JoJo, and then you just kind of went for it [here],” teases Ashley, as they walk hand-in-hand down the street. And then their fire lantern floats up into the sky without bursting into flames — so it seems like Paradise might finally be turning up Ashley.
Oh, wait.
Well, I won’t tell them if you don’t. The next day, everyone’s hanging in the pool, and out of nowhere, Lace starts up a flirty chit-chat situation with Carl (of all people), right in front of Grant. And just to make sure he notices, she turns and says, “Good luck getting a rose.” This, of course, is Lace’s dysfunctional way of telling Grant that she’s starting to have some doubts about their relationship, and maybe they should slow things down a bit.
Naturally, that’s not what Grant hears. “It bothers me when she goes out of her way to put a wall up,” he sighs. “When it gets to a certain point, I’m going to walk away.”
“Get out of my face,” mumbles Lace. “Maybe we need to reconsider our relationship.” There — was that so hard, toots? You probably could have done it without the rude behavior and snotty attitude, though. After the fight, Lace and Grant retreat to their separate corners of Paradise — he to mope, and she to cry. “I just want to go home,” she sobs. “I hate relationships.”
Lace says she just needs to be left alone for a minute, so let’s go check in on what Josh and Amanda are doing. Oh, here’s a surprise – they’re making out, while he’s eating.
Frankly, though, I’d rather watch those two play “guess what color skittle is on my tongue” than deal with this awkward situation on another couch, where Lace has chosen to sit down on the opposite side of Grant, with Brett between them. And yeah, Brett doesn’t want to be there either.
Mercifully, this doesn’t last long — Lace storms off after yet another perceived slight from Grant and tells him she wants to go home. When he protests that he loves her, she snaps back, “I’ve had enough of that word!” Ouch. But rather than telling Lace good riddance, Grant tries to talk her off the ledge, saying he “overreacted” to her joke about the rose and that he knows she’s just scared about commitment. Ooof, apologizing when you’re not at fault – this is a rough relationship precedent to be setting, buddy. Still, it works, and Lace apologizes.
“If have to put in a little bit more work than she does right now, I’m OK with that,” explains Grant. “I feel like she’s worth it.” For your sake, Grant, I hope so.
And now for the Josh vs. Nick drama that was teased heavily last week. It starts over a simple bedroom mix-up: Amanda tells Jen and Nick that they can sleep in the bedroom that she usually occupies with Josh, Jen and Nick get ready for bed and head for the aforementioned bedroom. Seeing this, Josh barks, “Just lettin’ y’all know, we’re staying up there tonight.” But Amanda said… “No. Amanda and I are sleeping up there tonight.”
Meanwhile…
Homeless and tired, Jen and Nick appeal to a nearby producer. “I just want to go to bed,” says Jen, frustrated. Josh again accuses Nick of trying to “make drama,” and then — upon learning that Amanda is sleeping in her own bed —marches off to make her feel guilty about it. “Baby, are you not sleeping with me anymore?” Amanda, barely awake, murmurs a reply: “I’m so tired” — and Josh does NOT love it. “All right, good talk,” he snaps, patting her on the back just a little too hard.
Eventually he goes to sleep in his own bed, where Team Bachelor would have us believe that he dreams of Mexican pizza.
I mean, it does look delicious. Also looking delicious? Chris Harrison in his blue rose ceremony suit.
Rawr! But let’s focus on what really matters: What in the holy hell is Carly wearing?
So, I guess her sartorial judgment has disappeared along with her relationship judgment? Even more depressing than Carly’s Frederick’s of Hollywood boudoir romper is the fact that she’s wearing it while Evan professes that he’s “falling in love” with her.
No! This is all wrong! It is ALL WRONG! Even Carly knows it. “How did I fall in love with the penis man?” she giggles. “It’s so weird.”
Let us never speak of Evan’s boner again.
Turning our attention to Daniel, he’s working hard to get a rose from whichever twin isn’t dating Carl — so he brings her a big platter of all her favorite foods. Which, by the way, are also the favorite foods of most American 6-year-olds: chicken nuggets, french fries, onion rings. And just to cover his bases, Daniel then tracks down Izzy and brings her… a lamp. Look, just somebody give Daniel a rose. He’s a train wreck, but he’s our train wreck.
Speaking of which, Josh is still giving Amanda a passive-aggressive hard time about daring to sleep in her own bed the night before. “You’re in trouble for your Houdini act,” he says. “Just kidding.” (He’s not.) Like any skilled manipulator, though, Josh follows up this warning with some affirmations (“you’re just a great person in general, and you’re nice to people”) — and then he drops the big bomb: “I think you need to know, I’m falling in love with you.” And she LOVES it.
All of the Josh-Amanda shmoopiness worries the twins; they don’t want to see their “best friend” wind up with someone who isn’t a good guy. Rather than talking to Amanda, though, they pull Nick aside to get his take. “The fact that he cracked a little bit for something as simple as Amanda decided to go to bed without telling him — that’s concerning to me,” says Nick, adding that Andi’s book had “some very aggressive, scary things [about Josh] in there. It’s hard to believe that she wrote a fictional book about Josh… but there are some accurate things about me.”
Apparently the twins had never talked to Nick about this before, because all of a sudden they’re all fired up and ready to confront Amanda about her dangerous dude, even though the rose ceremony is upon us.
The lineup goes completely as expected (Carly —> Evan; Ashley —> Wells; Jen —> Nick; Izzy —> Brett; Caila —> Jared; Lace —> Grant; Amanda —> Josh), until Harrison calls Haley’s name. She dutifully takes her place at the Rose Stump, but then… “Emily, will you come up here with me?”
It seems as though the twins have decided that Paradise is not the place where they will “find love,” so they’re gonna hightail back to Vegas, because at least it has air conditioning. Sorry Ryan, Carl, and Daniel — this means you’re all getting the boot. Take a moment, and say your goodbyes. Meanwhile, Haley and Emily tell Amanda they need to speak to her before they leave.
Amanda is at a loss. “What do you guys think I should do?” she says shakily. The real answer is DUMP HIS ASS, GIRL, but the twins don’t go that far. Instead, they advise Amanda to ask Josh about Andi’s specific claims (e.g. that he called her “whore” and “bitch” on the regular).
And with that, the twins are audi. Like the control freak that he is, Josh doesn’t give Amanda a minute alone to process what just happened. “I don’t really want to talk right now,” she says, but of course he doesn’t listen.
Under duress, Amanda fills him in, saying the twins warned her about his “intentions” not being good. “Again, really?” he groans. “This is so frustrating.” Josh continues to steamroll over Amanda as she talks, growling that the book is “ludicrous” and that he’s been laying low for six months because his dog had cancer. (Not sure what that has to do with anything, but OK…) “The twins aren’t the type of people to, like, just say something,” protests Amanda, adding that her friends told her the information came from a trusted “source.”
Oh, now you’ve done it honey. An irate Josh summons everyone to the beach for a family meeting. Or really, more like a family berating. “For some reason, one person or multiple people have accused me of being fake!” Josh bellows. “It’s very disrespectful… and it’s a bunch of bulls*** to be honest with you.” So listen up, Bippers! You got anything to say to Josh, you say it to his face like a man! Anyone? Anyone?”For some reason, one person or multiple people have accused me of being fake!” Josh announces. “It’s very disrespectful… and it’s a bunch of bulls*** to be honest with you.” So listen up, Bippers! You got anything to say to Josh, you say it to his face like a man! Anyone? Anyone?
Awww, snap. Now it’s on. Nick tells Josh his arrival — and immediate laser-focus on Amanda — was highly suspect. Josh is all I CAN’T HELP IT IF SHE DOESN’T LIKE YOU, DUMBA**, and it just gets worse from there, as Nick tells Josh exactly what he doesn’t want to hear. The twins, he reports, “asked me my opinion, and I said, ‘Listen, I have my doubts. Honestly, sometimes I think he’s full of s***.'”
I’m no Nick fan, but I’ll admit that was a damn nice burn. And even though Josh keeps advancing on him and yelling, Nick holds his ground, even when Josh all but threatens him directly: “You need to hope that everything’s good with me and her!” Uh-oh, Team Bachelor – is someone standing by with a tranquilizer gun? You may need it.
So Josh huffs off to go pack his suitcase (“I’m here for Amanda, and if she does not believing anything [sic], I’m out”), while the rest of the Bippers huddle in groups and gossip about what just went down. (That is… everyone but Caila: When she tries to join the conversation, Lace brushes her off and then whispers to the group, “I can’t stand her.”)
As Amanda grapples with the reality that’s in front of her — “This is the fourth time people have warned me about him!” — Josh hauls his luggage down the stairs, as though he’s really going to leave. What do you want to bet that this little tantrum is specifically designed to get Amanda to apologize to for not believing in him? Let’s roll the tape:
Yep. Though Josh (pretends he) was thinking of leaving, he generously sets aside that plan. “I’m gonna stay for you,” he tells Amanda, and they seal their unholy union with a kiss.
Morning dawns on Paradise, and everyone is sleeping in, except Wells. (Perhaps he’s used to rising early for his radio DJ gig?) “I wake and, like, no one’s around,” he says. “I am all alone here.” Not for long, pal!
It’s Jami! The bartender from Ben’s season who… yeah, I got nothing. Anyway, she’s hoping Wells is waiting for her in Paradise — and wouldn’t you know it, he’s literally the only person there to greet her. They make small talk, and then Jami gets right to the point: “Would you like to go on my date with me?” Of course Wells says yes, but he knows he’s got something unpleasant to do before he goes: Talk to the “emotionally fragile human being” known as Ashley I. Fortunately for him, she’s still sleeping — so he and Jami wave goodbye to the Bippers and head off on their date.
Jared watches helplessly from the bar. “I need a drink,” he half-jokes. “Early bird catches the worm,” says Jorge with a smile. “Well, she got up early and got the worm!”
Once Ashley finally does roll out of bed, Nick takes one for the team and tells her why “her man” is missing. All of the Bippers watch from the sidelines, bracing for impact, but then something shocking happens.
“It’s fine,” she chirps, almost convincingly. “I’m not that worried.” No one can quite grasp what is happening — or in this case, not happening. “We’re all like, ‘Why aren’t you crying?'” says Carly. “It’s, like, kind of Twilight Zone.” It seems that Ashley is not crying right now because she’s so secure in her “connection” with Wells. “They’re date is probably gonna suck, she scoffs. Cut to this:
And of course this:
On an unrelated note, Jared apparently smacked Caila’s butt so hard it left a mark. Who knew he had it in him? Hopefully Ashley isn’t overhearing their conversation, because even with Wells as a distraction, she says watching Jared and Caila together is still her “worst nightmare.” Doesn’t all of this sound familiar? Of course it does. “She needs to know, I’m his gal pal,” explains Ashley, as she begins applying her war paint in front of the vanity. “Even though you get roses, like, I’m his main chick.”
If that’s Ashley’s message, she certainly has an odd way of communicating it. She sits down with Caila and immediately begins gushing about how great things are now that Wells is here. “My jealousy has unbelievably been released from my body in the past 48 hours,” declares Ashley. “I’m really happy with where I am mentally right now.” Caila is understandably suspicious, so she keeps poking and prodding, asking Ashley if she still thinks going out with Jared was a betrayal, and if she’s really OK with her being there.
Well of course she isn’t, Caila! “Am I supposed to go back and trust the person that hurt me in the first place?” Ashley asks. “I don’t know if that makes sense.” And once again, Caila comes to the conclusion that her life in Paradise will continue to be miserable as long as Ashley is there, staring daggers in her general direction. “If I can’t grow in my relationship, than why am I here?” she says tearfully. “There’s so much baggage involved, and it’s walking around with red lipstick.”
Burn! But come on, do we really think Caila’s going to leave? Of course not. Still, there are only a few minutes left in the episode, and Team Bachelor has to create some kind of cliffhanger, so…
And with that, it’s all over but the promos. Will Caila really go? If so, will Jared go with her? Will anyone remember Shushanna, the Russian-speaking badass who literally carried an injured Rachel home after a group date on Ben’s season of The Bachelor?
And can you believe we live in a world where Wells is suddenly the most sought-after guy in Paradise? Life is good. Post your thoughts now, rose lovers!
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC. After Paradise airs Tuesdays at 9 p.m. on ABC.
