‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Recap: The Virgin, Suicidal

¡Hola part dos, rose lovers! Isn’t it just so sweet how Caila and Jared are practically in love already after just one day?

Photos: ABC

“I really just need to focus on spending more time with her,” says Jared. “And being affectionate with her, and letting her know that I’m here for her.”

You know what that means: Let’s give a warm Paradise welcome to returning casualty Ashley I.!

Look, Ashley, Chris Harrison has a job to do, and that’s to find out how many times you and Jared hooked up — and which body parts of yours he’s manhandled. Ashley admits that they got to “second base” but adds that nothing’s happened for the last few months. She’s just here for closure, y’all. And don’t worry about her mascara. “My goal this season is to only cry three times,” says Ashley — to which Harrison quickly replies, “A day?”

Anyhow, it’s time for Ashley to make her big entrance. And look at how excited Jared is!

Hey, did Jorge put too much lemon in Caila’s cocktail? She looks a bit… pursed.

Ashley wastes no time pulling Jared aside to get the skinny on his island hookups — and though he looks scared for his life, Jared makes things pretty clear. “Caila got a date card, she asked me. We went on a date. It went well,” he says. “So, I’m kind of hanging out with Caila.”

This shall not stand. Ashley, crying already, scurries off to find the twins, to find out how involved Jared really was with Emily. “Did you and Jared have anything?” she asks plaintively, before asking a question for all of Bachelor Nation. “Which one’s Emily?” The proper twin informs Ashley that no, her “relationship” with Jared didn’t actually happen because it was “stolen away” too quickly to really develop. “Jared was excited for Caila to come,” Haley says. “Ashley, his face lit up.”

Indeed, this specifically was Ashley’s worst nightmare. “I hung out with Ashley a few times,” Caila tells the group. “She specifically said, ‘I don’t want you to go to Paradise, because I don’t want you to meet Jared.‘” What Caila doesn’t say is that she told Ashley that Jared wasn’t her type and that she’d never go after him anyway — at least, that’s what Ashley says happened.

“I think she’s going insane,” notes Sarah. Naturally, this is followed by one of Bachelor in Paradise‘s patented crazy-bitch-talks-to-an-animal sequences.

“You know they’re going to make you a raccoon,” sniffles Ashley to the off-camera producer. Close enough, honey. After reapplying a layer of makeup, Ashley summons up the courage to summon her rival for a face-to-face chat — which starts with the world’s most awkward hug.

I’m no body language expert, but that has #nope written all over it — on both sides. Caila apologizes profusely for giving Ashley such an unpleasant surprise, and insists that she didn’t intentionally keep her arrival a secret. (“I don’t really believe that, honestly,” sniffs Ashley.) “So what happened to the whole, he’s so not your type?” asks Ashley, her voice shaky. “I talked to him,” says Caila. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m really sorry.”

Related: Chris Harrison Blogs ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Week 3

To no one’s surprise, Ashley finds this exchange devastating, and she excuses herself to go cry some more on the beach. So, question: Ashley has, as Sarah points out, been crying since she arrived in Paradise. Does this count as one cry of her allotted three? How do you measure one long, continuous on the Cry Counter? Does the Earth need to make a full rotation on its axis before we can tally cry No. 2? Discuss.

Producers send poor Jared over to Ashley’s crying couch to talk her out of leaving Paradise. “I don’t want to be here,” she sobs. “There’s no one here for me, and then to see you with someone, I can’t do it!” She can, however, make Caila look bad — and Ashley does that with relish. “I didn’t think Caila was going to hurt me like this,” she whimpers. “She told me she would never, ever go out with you… She’s a backstabbing whore of a friend.”

However Jared feels about what Ashley said, he stays on task and encourages her to take Daniel out a date. “You can have fun,” he says. “He’s a really funny guy. You can have a good time and not be stressed out about other things.” Oh Jared, have you met Ashley? She has two speeds: crying and talking about her virginity. Fun isn’t really an option.

Still, Ashley came all this way — she’s not gonna go home without some decent camera time. She dutifully asks Daniel on the date, and he dutifully agrees. Jorge’s excited about it — “The guy you’re taking has bigger boobs,” he tells Ashley — but Sarah is bummed.

Side note: I swear on all that’s holy, Daniel, if you choose Ashley Eyelashes over Sarah this week I will drown you in a vat of pure maple syrup. End of side note.

Daniel and Ashley make delightful small talk on their way to dinner (Ashley: “So other than being a Canadian, what do you do?” Daniel: “Drink maple syrup, you know?”), and then settle in to discuss (what else?) her virginity. “Are you interested in having sex in the near future?” Daniel asks. “Are you curious at all?”

“You don’t swing both ways?” Daniel continues, unfortunately. “I do, but only on Fridays though.” Of course, with Ashley I., all conversational roads lead to Jared, and eventually she starts filling Daniel in on their one-sided relationship. “I call Jared my boyfriend who doesn’t touch me,” she explains. “Because, like, on an emotionally intimate level it’s there.” There will be no getting over Jared, says Ashley, until she finds a “replacement guy,” and right now that guy is the ginormous hunk of Canadian man meat sitting next to her. “You’re a very nice man,” says Ashley. “Oh my God, Daniel, we’re really bonding right now.” That’s one word for it.

He then goes on to make a lot of vulgar references to “Canadian bacon” and maple syrup. I don’t like this, rose lovers. I don’t like it at all. Fortunately Daniel’s friskiness is interrupted by a potentially offensive stage show in which actors dressed up like Aztec warriors storm the dining room.

OK, sure. Daniel, clueless as always, watches as the “warriors” carry Ashley off to parts unknown — and then just shrugs his shoulders and continues eating dinner. For once, it’s nice to see good Bachelor food not going to waste, eh?

We’ll never know what happened with the Aztecs, because the next morning Ashley’s back at Playa Escondida crying about Jared like nothing ever happened.

Meanwhile, Nick is moping around listening to Josh and Amanda make out. “I’m still hoping I get a chance to meet someone who’s, like, fun and super hot,” he sighs. You know what that means…

Welcome Jennifer, the “small business owner” from Ben’s season of The Bachelor, whose most notable moment had to be how awesome her boobs looked the night she was eliminated.

“Jen is f***ing hot,” says one of the twins. Emily and Haley then proceed to fill Jen in on her choices: Nick, Daniel, and Evan.

In yet another affront to Sarah’s honor, Daniel immediately starts lobbying hard for Jen’s date card. “I’ll pay you if you take me on this date,” he drawls. “Unfortunately it’s going to be in Canadian dollars, so it’s not worth much these days.” Jen, however, is not picking up what Daniel’s putting down — and instead she goes for Nick. Round of applause for Bachelor Nation’s two-time loser!

Elsewhere in Paradise, Carly is lying in bed wondering if Evan faked his illness the other night to trick her into sleeping in the same bed with him. “Part of me is like, ‘That’s crazy.’ And part of me is like, ‘Damn, that’s really flattering.'” What is happening to Carly, our former Voice of Reason? Girl, better to be alone than to talk yourself into falling for Evan, of all people.

And from what we can tell, Evan is not faking: Apparently he has some kind of ankle condition that requires further medical attention, according to the “medic.”

Welp, if he’s gonna have to go to the hospital, Evan’s gonna go with his best girl. “Carly may be the only medicine that I need,” he says with a grin. And yes, even Evan knows this medical “emergency” is total BS cooked up by Team Bachelor.

And God help Carly, but their evil plan is working. “I think Evan was, like, super-relaxed, and so he would just sit there and talk to me like a normal human being,” she says. “Something shifted and I started seeing Evan in a light that I wish I saw before.” It’s official: Carly is back on “the Evan train.”

In case you were wondering, Nick and Jen’s date is still going on. Having confessed their mutual attraction for each other while cuddling on a yacht, the only thing left to do is share a romantic first kiss on the beach. Unfortunately, nature has other ideas.

As soon as Nick and Jen start smooching, their beach is overrun with creepy crawly crabs who want to get all up in their bidness. (Want to know why there are so many crabs in Paradise? Answers here.) What starts as a romantic moment quickly turns into a scene from a B-grade horror film.

Anyone remember that TV movie Kingdom of the Spiders? But I digress. The next day, the Bippers wake up and begin performing their daily rituals: Sipping coffee, primping, grooming each other like monkeys…

…and sobbing uncontrollably over Jared, while Caila watches uncomfortably a few feet away. (To be fair, that’s just part of Ashley’s ritual.) Once the evening rolls around, there are four “ladies” who feel like they’re in danger of going home: Emily, Haley, Sarah, and Ashley. Not even each of the couples feel safe — specifically Jared, who is worried that Ashley I. will ruin his shot with Caila. “I overly protect myself, because… I don’t want to end up like Ashley, where the feelings are one-sided,” Caila confesses to Jared, who urges her to “open up” a “little bit” more. She obliges, at least with her mouth.

Though you’d expect Ashley to be lurking behind a bush watching Caila and Jared kiss, instead she’s hanging out with Nick, ignoring his attempts to reason with her.

Testify, dude. “You will never be with Jared,” he informs her bluntly, and she literally shushes him. Ashley marches off to find Jared and prove Nick wrong. Actually, prove him right. “I’ve always had hope, and I never should have had it,” she wails, her face contorting in overwrought agony. “How am I supposed to find another you?”

“This f***in’ sucks, man,” mumbles Jared. You’re telling us! This is the second consecutive summer that we’ve had to listen to Ashley hyperventilate about your patchy-faced ass. “I don’t want to be here,” snaps Jared, at the end of his rope. “I sincerely don’t want to be here for any more time.”

And that’s a wrap for Week 3, rose lovers! Will Jared leave Paradise? Will Ashley go on a shooting spree? Will anyone remember who Brett is when he arrives in Paradise to steal Caila? Post your thoughts now! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s behind-the-scenes blog here. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go delete all that Sarah/Daniel fan fiction I wrote.

Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC. After Paradise airs Tuesdays at 9 p.m. on ABC.