'Bachelor in Paradise' Recap: 'It's Slim Pickins Out There'

We’re a week away from the finish line, rose lovers! And in case you were wondering, yes, you did just spend over a minute of your life watching footage of Juelia getting stung by a jellyfish and then convincing Tenley to pee on her foot.

But we’ve got an even bigger disappointment to worry about right now: Chelsie has decided to ignore Carly’s advice and ask Nick on a date instead of Dan. With the guys handing out the roses this week, that means Samantha gets to stay — and no one wants that. (Except maybe the producers.)

Nick, like the gentleman he is, tries to let Ashley S. down gently.

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Oh, did I say “gentleman”? I meant douche-wad. Let’s move on to Monday night’s new arrival, Mackenzie. If you find yourself asking, “Who dat??,” allow Ashley I. to fill you in: “America will remember MacKenzie as the sweet, really young mom who loves aliens.” And big noses. Don’t forget that. While Mackenzie figures out who she’s going to ask out, let’s check in on Nick and Chelsie on their date.

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Welp, looks like that’s going well. Or not. While Nick says he and Chelsie had an “amazing” time on their date, “For me to say that we had a romantic connection and spark would probably be lying.” Indeed, he’s still “hung up” on Sam. Man, aren’t they all?

Related: Chris Harrison Blogs ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Week 5

After a quick survey of the “available” men, Mackenzie settles on Justin, who happily agrees to the date. If you’re keeping score, this means Amber is now vulnerable for eviction, or whatever we call it here. And there’s still one more “lady” to come:

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“I’m coming in so late, I actually don’t care what’s happened in the last five weeks,” announces Jaclyn. “I want to steal people’s boyfriends. I want to disrupt the peace.” And, God bless her, Jaclyn walks the walk.

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She also gets the line of the season: “They may as well call this show Kaitlyn’s Rejects,” moans Jacklyn. “It’s slim pickins out there.”

Meanwhile, in case anyone cares, Mackenzie and Justin are out in the middle of nowhere with a Mexican shaman of some sort who’s made them take off their clothes so he can blow smoke on their naughty bits.

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The “Spanish man” (Mackenzie’s words) then tells the duo that they’re married, and Mackenzie’s almost dim enough to believe it.

Back at basecamp, Jaclyn’s still figuring out who to ask on her date. When it looks like she’s going to make a play for Jared, Ashley I. starts rapidly eating her feelings in the form of grapes.

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“I am not going to let her take Jared away from me!” declares Ashley, before marching up the steps to find Chris Harrison, who conveniently happens to be standing nearby.

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And wouldn’t you know it? Harrison happens to have one on him. Just goes to show you, rose lovers — the squeaky virgin gets the grease. And just in time! Jaclyn was just about to ask Jared out. So now Jared has a choice: Go on a date he doesn’t want to go on with Jaclyn, or go on a date he doesn’t want to go on with Ashley I. His decision probably won’t surprise you.

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Yep, looks like Ashley I. is getting that overnight date with the man of her dreams. “I would like to, um, like, do stuff with Jared,” admits Ashley. Cue the visual metaphor!

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And whaddya know? The episode’s over. Except for the extended promo for next week’s “shocking” and “explosive” two-part finale, featuring a brutal breakup (Tanner and Jade) and a proposal (Carly and Kirk?). But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Let me know what you thought of this episode’s shenanigans. Should Jared have turned down Ashley’s invitation? Will anyone accept a date with Jaclyn? And is there anything grosser than wet hair extensions? Post your thoughts now! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s exclusive behind-the-scenes blog. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go find out if that Mexican shaman also does vow renewals.

Bachelor in Paradise airs Sundays and Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC; After Paradise airs Mondays at 9 p.m. on ABC.