'Bachelor in Paradise' Recap: 'You Couldn't Be a Man to Me'

Man this season is exhausting — wouldn’t you agree, rose lovers? I mean, poor Team BIP is so tired they’re not even bothering to edit out the profanity from Chris Harrison’s voiceovers! At least they stayed awake long enough to shine the spotlight on Paradise’s coolest star to date.

Anyhow, back to the energy-depleting drama. When last we left Paradise, Juelia was about to tell Samantha all about how Joe had used her and thrown her away like a Shake ‘N Bake baggie. “I feel like when she hears how badly Joe treated Juelia,” says Jade, “I think Sam will just dump him.” Or…

You know Team BIP is thinking, “Man, where was THIS bitch during Chris’s season of The Bachelor?” Because just as Joe went from “zero to hero” for the purposes of wooing Juelia, Sam just went from “Girl No One Remembers” to “Horrible Psycho Hose Beast” in one conversation flat. She even goes so far to tell Juelia that she’s “on cloud nine” about her relationship with Joe. “Everything’s fine,” she says insincerely. “Nothing’s weird.”

Speaking of bros, Tanner and Jared are out on the deck sharing fruity drinks and lamenting the injustice of the situation: Why is Joe taking all the heat for Juelia-gate when Samantha was in on the plan the whole time?? “I know for a fact she said 'Do whatever it takes to still be there,’” says Tanner, who claims to have seen screenshots of Samantha’s texts to Joe. And so, Tanner continues, the only reason Joe is considered the bad guy is because he arrived in Paradise first — had Sam been the first one to the beach, she would’ve had to showmance her way to a rose, too. Fair enough, pal, but the fact that you knew all this and yet STILL let Joe manipulate Juelia makes you a major d-bag as well.

Related: Chris Harrison Blogs ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Week 3

Jared and Tanner, several days late and a dollar short, head over to Joe’s bunk in an effort to get him to come clean — but Sam is there, and she all but shoves them out the door. “I know these two have a battle plan,” grouses Tanner. “I’m just not sure who’s leading the charge.” Well, maybe Team BIP and their patented Sneak-O-Cam can solve the mystery! After Sam kicks the crew out of the room so she can “change,” one intrepid camera operator lingers outside the door and keeps rolling as Sam tries to get her story straight with Joe. “I just interviewed and I said, 'We didn’t talk,’” she whispers. Flashback to:

Just tell everyone you tried to talked to me but I said no, Sam continues. And stop being such a defensive a-hole. Oh crap — did I just see a red light?

Isn’t it adorable how people on reality shows truly believe that they can elude the cameras if they try hard enough? Bless your ignorant, conniving little heart, Samantha.

Smell that, folks? It’s time for some fresh meat!

Oh riiiight, Amber. From Chris’s season. She’s the one who… was on Chris’s season. Right? Anyone?

As luck fate the machinations of Team BIP would have it, Amber is really looking forward to meeting Dan… who, of course, was coupled up with Ashley Onion… who, naturally, loves Amber and thinks she’s “the most pure hearted,” “innocent” person… even after Amber asks Dan out on a date.

Even though Dan has essentially dumped Ashley, he still wants to talk to her before accepting Amber’s invitation. That conversation does not go — what’s the word? — well. “You’re such a man, but you couldn’t be a man to me,” snaps Ashley, understandably annoyed that Dan has avoided her all day. “It’s such a let-down.”

Oh man… with Dan and Ashley Onion falling apart, Paradise is going to be left without a Designated Quirky Couple. Unless…

It looks like the former investment banker and the makeup artist are getting along famously — even the rain can’t put a damper on their fun. They may be “different intellectually,” says JJ, but she’s beautiful and has a great rack. Megan, meanwhile, likes JJ because he makes her laugh. Awww, good luck you crazy kids!

Back at basecamp, Ashley Onion is feeling glum as she watches Dan and Amber leave for their fancy dinner-date. “Dan literally came across as a great guy,” says Ashley, but “he hasn’t even been a good friend.” The good news is, she has fellow dumpee Juelia to lean on, literally.

(Is anyone getting a little misty and thinking about the “Maybe we can be each other’s soulmates” scene from Sex and the City right now?)

That night, Amber and Dan enjoy a night out on the town, where the camera crew trailing them attracts some unexpected attention from the locals. “Beso! Beso! Beso!” chants the crowd, and of course Amber and Dan comply… and they continue smooching even once they’re (quasi) alone.

“Sitting at dinner with Dan, I completely forgot about Ashley,” admits Amber. Adds Dan, “I was going to make a concerted effort not to make out tonight, and I just couldn’t help myself.” Hmmmm…. “concerted effort.” I do not think that means what you think it means.

Once JJ returns to basecamp after his date with Megan, Tanner and JJ fill him in on the whole Joe situation. This results in a very tense conversation between Joe, JJ, and Jared that results in two interesting revelations:

1. All BIP contestants submitted a “who I’d like to f–k” list to producers prior to coming on the show. (We’d BETTER get to see these full lists before the end of the season, Team BIP.)
2. Jared is legitimately afraid of Joe.

JJ isn’t nearly so timid. “Get the f–k up here you little piece of s–t! Let’s go!” he barks, after Joe walks out mid-argument. But we’re going to have to put a pin in that until Sunday, folks, because it’s “To Be Continued” time! But before we tackle our thoughts about Monday night’s episode, I have a question about next Sunday…

(I do, however, recognize Jaclyn Swartz from Ben’s season of The Bachelor…and of course Bachelor Pad 3.) As for what went on in this episode, I want to hear what you think. What went wrong with Dan and Ashley S.? Are Joe and Samantha the worst — or the double worst? And does Megan need to raise the bar a bit… or do you like her with JJ? Post your thoughts below, and be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s exclusive behind-the-scenes blog. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go convince my husband to let us buy a bird.

Bachelor in Paradise airs Sundays and Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC; After Paradise airs Mondays at 9 p.m. on ABC.