'Bachelor in Paradise' Recap: 'This Isn't Church Camp'

Welcome back, rose lovers! We’ve waited all week to find out what we knew all along.

Yes, after a three-minute interlude that felt about six times as long, Clare returns from her pep talk with Chris Harrison — “The only guy who followed her was Chris Harrison, and that’s probably because he’s paid to do it,” sneers Ashley I. — and hands out her rose. To JJ. Because free vacations in Mexico don’t grow on trees. Juelia hands out the final rose Sunday night to the Zero F–ks Killer Joe, and that means Mikey, Jonathan, and Michael G. need to take that long walk up the hill to the Reject SUVs.

The next morning, Juelia is giddy about what she believes is a budding romance with Joe. “He is here for me,” she insists. “He’s being completely honest and genuine, and I believe him.” Apparently Juelia never looks at anyone else’s facial expressions when she talks about Joe, because otherwise she might get the hint that everyone else in Paradise does not approve of her message.

Of course, Evil Boomhauer is just waiting for this moment to happen:

Samantha, aka the woman no one remembers from Chris’s season, arrives and immediately makes a beeline for Joe, because she thinks he’s “really cute.” This leaves Juelia in tears and the guys more than a little suspicious. “Did you talk to Samantha before the show started?” Jared asks Joe, who of course denies it… even though at some point Joe already told Tanner that he and Sam were in touch. So just so we’re all clear: Joe may be a sociopath, but at the very least he’s a frugal one. Rather than paying to take his dream girl on a date, he manipulated his way into a free tropical vacation with her instead, courtesy of Team BIP. It’s a win-win!

Without so much as even a word to Juelia, Joe whisks Samantha for their date at the Vidanta Hotel, where they’ll be doing a “hot bodies” photo shoot for People magazine.

Yes, it doesn’t take long for Joe and Samantha to start making out in front of the entire People entourage, decorum be damned! Indeed, the rest of their date is just one long, waterlogged makeout session, which Team BIP intercuts with footage of Juelia weeping. Eventually Joe and Samantha return to base camp hand-in-hand, ready to tell everyone about their “romantic” and “hot” photo shoot date. Though Samantha seemingly has no idea how uncomfortable this is for Juelia, Joe does — and he absolutely does not care. “They’re acting like I’m a ghost,” laments Juelia. “I think this is the most disrespected I’ve ever felt in my entire life by a guy.”

Jared, who clearly still hasn’t realized that Joe is a sinister douchebot, attempts to appeal to his buddy’s sense of right and wrong by urging him to talk to Juelia. If you don’t, he warns, “She’s going to think you used her for the rose, and I know you didn’t.” Oh, didn’t he?

“What’s the big deal? I don’t understand,” grumbles Joe. “This isn’t church camp.” Valid point. But Joe knows that in exchange for his all-expenses-paid trip to Samantha’s lady bits, he owes the producers one supremely awkward conversation with Juelia, and he reluctantly makes his way down the hill to fulfill his end of the deal. Sort of. Rather than “making things right” with Juelia, he half-listens as she talks about her hurt feelings and then bolts with a curt “I appreciate you taking the time.” Not even a perfunctory “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

We interrupt the act of major d–kitude to bring you an important safety announcement.

Seriously, guys. It’s gets less funny every time. In case we all forgot, there are other people in Paradise besides Joe and Juelia and Samantha. Jade says she’s “on the road” to being in love with Tanner; Carly says she’s “super f–king horny” for Kirk but he has yet to make THE move. Even Jorge the bartender can’t understand what the problem is.

But when Carly gets the date card and practically tackles Kirk in her excitement, he doesn’t quite match her level of enthusiasm. “I know Carly wants to sleep with me, but I don’t know if I’m ready yet,” he admits. “I’m starting to have those little panic moments.” It turns out Dan is also starting to feel about antsy about his Paradise wife Ashley Onion. Though she’s totally “smitten” — and relieved to hear that Jorge the bartender feels she and Dan have a good connection — Dan tells Jade he’s a little freaked out by Ashley’s “emotional” outbursts. “As soon as I start seeing red flags, I tend to run,” he says. “I don’t know if Ashley’s going to be the one to get my rose this week.”

Enter… Megan! The loveably ditzy blonde from Chris’s season who memorably thought New Mexico was outside of the United States.

Let’s leave Megan wandering the streets of Nuevo Vallarta in the rain for a bit, though, while we rejoin Carly and Kirk’s date already in progress. Carly believes that it’s a sign from the romance gods that her first one-on-one date in Paradise is happening the same day her brother is getting married in Ireland. (It definitely is a sign — a sign that Carly’s priorities are f–ked up.) But the only sign Kirk seems to be flashing is a bright yellow SLOW. “Things have been pretty smooth, but we haven’t, like, looked at, like, this yet,” stammers Kirk, who, by the way, recently got out of a two-year relationship. “We haven’t talked about, like, us, so to speak.” Unfortunately for Kirk, Carly does not catch his drift — she’s convinced everything is “overwhelmingly good” and thinks the feeling is mutual.

Actually, never mind — everything’s totally fine! After listening to Carly call and congratulate her brother, Kirk realizes that having doubts about a rebound reality show relationship is just plain silly. “I’m going to ignore my fears and go with my heart,” he declares, as fireworks explode behind them. And by “heart,” Kirk apparently means “penis,” because all of a sudden he’s so ready to get busy with Carly that he books a hotel room for them and mauls her the entire way there. Sorry mom and dad!

Back at Paradise, things aren’t going quite as well for Dan and Ashley Onion. “I’m starting to see differences in our personality that I don’t know if they’ll match up,” Dan explains. “That’s what I’ve been thinking about.” Time out: Is there truly no footage of Ashley’s “emotional” “whirlwind” from two nights ago that got Dan so freaked out? And if not, was it really that much of a big deal, or is Dan just getting bored and needs a new shiny object to play with? My money’s on the latter. Anyhow, Ashley feels blindsided by Dan’s change of heart, and she’s ready to pack her onions and go. “If this is not something that’s real to you, then I don’t want to be here,” she tells him (fairly calmly I might add). “At this point, the ball’s in your court.” Like any truly sane person, Ashley doesn’t want to spend one more minute in Paradise than she actually has to.

And hello Megan! Thank GOD you’re here.

We do too, sweetheart. Though Megan initially thinks she might want to ask Dan on her date, she ultimately chooses JJ… who is thrilled to be someone’s first choice for once. “If a trash bag had asked me out on a one-on-one, I would have said yes and been really excited,” says JJ, ever the self-deprecating joker. “The fact that it’s a beautiful blonde makes this exponentially more exciting.”

Meanwhile, Joe and Samantha have made out so much their lips are starting to fuse together…

…while poor Juelia just cries and cries. The rest of the BIPers are as disgusted as we are by Joe’s behavior, so they finally corner him to get the full download about his backstory with Samantha. “Yes, I did talk to Samantha for about a month on social media and via text messages and phone calls,” a clearly peeved Joe enumerates for the camera. “Yes, the reason I came to Paradise was for Samantha.” But Joe’s a scary dude, and most of the guys here are wusses, so it’s up to big beefy Dan to bring Evil Boomhauer to justice.

Joe, who has no capacity for human feeling other than anger and lust, openly scoffs at Dan’s attempts to be the hero. “You guys have been pointing fingers at me since day one — and it’s always the older guys,” he barks. “The 35, 40-year-olds!” (According to ABC, Dan is 32, but what’s a few years between sworn enemies?) Other than lead Joe to Juelia, however, Dan doesn’t do much but sit there and glare while Joe deflects, denies, and openly derides the single mom. “I don’t like the tone of voice that he’s using with her,” sighs Jade. “You don’t talk to a woman like that!”

Or anyone, really. But Juelia still has one weapon in her arsenal: By threatening to tell Samantha about everything that’s happened, she finally forces Joe to mutter a half-hearted “I’m sorry.” Too late, you asshat! When Samantha wanders into the room (no doubt sent there by Team BIP), she finds Juelia in the middle of castigating Joe for being a lying sack of donkey turds. And whaddaya know, she’s not as dim as she seems.

Yes, do that. But you and I will have to wait until tomorrow night to see what comes of Juelia and Samantha’s little chat — and to find out if Samantha was, indeed, in on Joe’s scheme the whole time. For now, let me know your thoughts on Sunday’s insanity, and tell the After Paradise producers what you want Chris Harrison to ask the cast on Monday night’s live after-show by taking our poll below!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go check the attic for bats. Those things are terrifying.

Bachelor in Paradise airs Sundays and Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC; After Paradise airs Mondays at 9 p.m. on ABC.