‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Recap: ‘No One Falls in Love on a Horse’

Photos: ABC

Warning: This recap contains spoilers for the Aug. 15 episode of Bachelor in Paradise.

Hola once again, rose lovers! Allow me to kick things off by welcoming Brandon, that guy you don’t remember, to Paradise’s stellar opening credits sequence.

Looking good, whoever you are. Now, back to the action. As you may recall, last week’s “journey” ended with Evan interrupting Josh and Amanda’s never-ending make-out session to invite the single mom on a date. And at first, Amanda almost looks grateful to see the outside world (rather than an 200x close-up of Josh’s face) for a few blessed seconds.

Evan reads the phony date card aloud, and Amanda — who naturally assumes producers penned the aforementioned note — agrees to join Evan in the tree house. Anything for the show, right? Even if it means listening to the “awkward d*** doctor” (Vinny’s phrase) stammer his way through an introductory speech. “I came here for you,” Evan says. “I’ve been watching you from afar… I just want to know, like, if there’s any place in your heart to maybe, like, see if something could happen.” Amanda looks totally moved by his speech.

At least, I think that’s emotion? Or maybe she’s asleep with her eyes open? Hard to say. While she’s absorbing Evan’s declaration of love, Josh is hanging out on the beach bed eating Mexican pizza.

So yeah, he ain’t worried that Evan’s trying to steal his girl. It’s not like Evan has any chance of succeeding, of course. “I wish you had said something earlier,” Amanda says, trying to let Evan down easy. “Because now it’s like I totally do feel something with Josh. … From here on out, I just want to focus on that relationship.” She tearfully hugs Evan goodbye and assures him there’s someone special out there for him. Pretty clear, right? Not if you’re Evan. “I was expecting maybe like a glimmer of hope,” he tells Team Bachelor. “And I think I may have gotten that!” In other words…

On its face that sounds like a completely insane delusion — and it probably is — but to be fair, when Evan tells Jared about his talk with Amanda, it sounds like there may have been more to the conversation than we actually saw. “She said she came here thinking about me — she wanted to take me on a date,” says Evan. Did she really, or is Evan just really bad at listening? We’ll never know. One thing’s for sure, though: Josh finds the whole thing hilarious.

He continues ruminating his pizza even as he dries Amanda’s tears, though he does stop chewing long enough to insert his tongue back into her mouth. Ah, young love.

The next day, the Bippers are all aflutter getting ready for that evening’s rose ceremony — spackling on the makeup, primping in front of mirrors, and manscaping.

Say what you will about Daniel, rose lovers, but how many of you would shave a friend’s back? “Why didn’t you do this before you came?” asks Daniel, to which Vinny replies sotto voce, “I did! It grows back quick.” Tell us about it, boys.

Related: Your Burning Questions About the ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Hotel Answered

Anyhow, heading into the rose ceremony the quasi-couple count is as follows: Lace and Grant, Amanda and Josh, Vinny and Izzy, Brendon and Haley, Emily and Jared. Sarah will be choosing between Christian and Damn Daniel, while Carly has her pick of Sarah’s castoff, Evan (aka her “ex-boyfriend”), or Nick. Though it’s really Nick and Evan who should be sweating the ceremony, they can’t because Josh has used up all the sweat himself to soak his shirt and hairless chest.

“It’s kind of gross,” notes Carly, in the biggest understatement of the night. After Harrison reminds them that two guys will be going home, the campaigning begins. Christian quickly pulls Sarah aside to try and lock down the rose. “I’m just an aggressive type of man,” he explains to us. “I’m dominant.” Maybe a little too much so; I definitely wasn’t feeling his comments to Sarah about their date: “You let me kind of handle things and be there for you.” Not for nothing, pal, but Sarah’s been “handling things” on her own without you just fine.

Though Sarah kisses Christian, her face just lights up when Daniel arrives to steal her away.

“Daniel has to kiss me tonight. He has to,” sighs Sarah. And he will, honey, right after he kills the giant bee that just tried to “impregnate” his chin with its stinger. Unfortunately, Daniel’s smooch is just a wee bit too timid for Sarah’s liking.

“It wasn’t the best kiss,” says Sarah, in what is now the biggest understatement of the night. Fingers cross that Daniel’s tepid lip action doesn’t send him back to Canada alone.

Evan, though, knows for sure that he’s going home — but first he has something he needs to do: Warn Amanda that Josh is an “emotional abuser.”

Even though Evan clearly isn’t the first person to warn Amanda about Josh — “We’ve all told you, as women, be careful of Josh,” notes Lace — for some reason Evan’s concerns are the ones that finally give Amanda pause. “It definitely puts, you know, a couple questions in my head,” she admits.

Naturally Josh gets wind of what Evan told his woman, thanks to Lace — who, I might add, seems to be more irked at Evan for trying to “get into Amanda’s head” than at Josh for (allegedly) calling Andi Dorfman a “bitch” and a “whore.” Way to support the sisterhood, Lace.

Amanda gets a tiny taste of Josh’s ever-simmering rage shortly after her conversation with Evan. Seeing that Josh is upset, she gently tells him to “ignore it,” adding, “because I like Evan.” Mr. Murray is not pleased at all. “You still like him even after somebody tries to lie [about me]?” he snaps, glaring at Amanda. “I think it’s very disrespectful.”

And if there’s one thing Josh doesn’t like, it’s people trying to make him look bad. (Even though, to be fair, he does an excellent job doing that all by himself.) So Josh takes Evan for a walk and is all, Only God can judge me, man! Indeed, Josh is too smart to pull a Chad and start threatening Evan or anyone else with physical violence when cameras are around. “You know all the right things to say,” notes Evan helplessly. To his credit, though, Evan doesn’t shirk off defeated; instead he pushes Josh to tell “his side” of the story about his relationship with Andi.

Josh, increasingly irritated, rants that her book was “fiction” and all the negative stories were “untrue” and so on — and still Evan doesn’t give up. "Then why wouldn’t you sue her for libel?“ he asks innocently. Boom! Answer that one, Joshy boy!

After fixing Evan with his death stare for a few seconds, Josh plays his two favorite tunes: “I take the high road as a gentleman” and “I’m all about God’s plan.” An “ocean of words but there’s no thoughts,” as Evan puts it. Uh-oh, Josh, did God tell you that His plan involves Nick warning Amanda about you too?

Nah, I’m just kidding. Nick is, in fact, quite reasoned and articulate with Amanda about his concerns. He admits he hasn’t read Andi’s book — though he knows some (not all) of the things said about him are true. “I don’t know if [Josh] is a good guy or a bad guy. I don’t know if what was written was true or false,” continues Nick. “But ask the right questions… and just be aware.”

Will she? I think we all know the answer to that question. Though Amanda says she’s “taking this seriously,” once the rose ceremony rolls around…

Yep. But let’s back up a bit. Before Josh inevitably got Amanda’s rose, here’s what happened: Lace —> Grant; Izzy —> Vinny; Twins —> Jared. And then came the truly beautiful moment:

Sorry, Christian, but sometimes you’ve just gotta let your freak flag fly, and in this case, that freak is a large Canadian man named Daniel. As for Carly the “wild card,” she opts to give her rose to… Evan? “This is definitely a platonic rose,” she insists. “I think.” Oh God girl, no.

The final drama of the night comes when it’s time for Haley to hand out her rose. Will she forgive Brandon for not noticing when she and Emily pulled the switcheroo?

That’d be a big ol’ nope. Instead, Haley gives her rose to Nick, perhaps because he’s never pretended he can tell her and Emily apart. Fare thee well, Brandon and Christian! We hope your 16th minute in the spotlight was as satisfying as you hoped.

A new day dawns, and with it comes new hopes — “I just can’t wait to spend every day with Jared!” gushes Emily — and fresh meat.

I will never not be amused by the fact that Caila got so close to becoming the Bachelorette, only to be deemed too boring, apparently, by producers. Anyhow, she went home with a lovely set of steak knives and an all-expenses-paid trip to Paradise — and the guys are definitely excited to see her. “Dayum, she is good looking!” growls Nick. Allow Carly to demonstrate every guy’s face upon Caila’s arrival.

“Oh, this just got good,” chuckles Jorge. That’s for damn sure, señor. Emily seems especially intimidated by Caila and her “perfect” hair and “cute” personality — and she probably should be, because Caila just asked Jared on a date. “Of course it’s Yared!” cries Jorge.

Jared tries to do the gentlemanly thing by pulling Emily aside before he accepts Caila’s offer. “I feel like if I don’t go, I might regret it,” he tells the crestfallen twin. “I want you to go,” she says sadly. Once Jared and Caila head off to prep for their date, Nick tries to cheer Emily up. “I have been dumped twice on national television. It’s OK to be hurt. It’s OK to want Jared to not have a good time,” he says. “No one falls in love on a horse!” Don’t be so sure about that pal.

“I’m really glad that you’re here, and I want to try to see if something great can come from this,” Jared says. Dude you just met — maybe take it down a notch? Never mind, she LOVES it, and soon they’re smooching on the beach.

Back at Playa Escondida…

Um… never mind. Let’s just move on. Carly and Sarah are feeling a little over Paradise, too, given that all around them are couples in various degrees of PDA. “Right now Sarah and I are kind of like those two old men in The Muppets who sit on the balcony and watch the show,” says Carly.

“Like, it’s not just because we’re bitter, is it?” wonders Sarah. Buck up, “ladies”! A new date card is here! Actually, scratch that — you guys can stay depressed, because the card’s addressed to Izzy and Lace, and they’re going on “the first double date in Paradise history.” Oh wow, I really can’t wait to watch that. [insert audible groan here]

Meanwhile, Jared and Caila have just floated back to Playa Escondida on their respective cloud nines, and you know what that means: It’s time for Jared to dump Emily for good. “I think Caila’s sweet — somebody that I really could see myself with,” he says. “I feel like I should explore things with Caila.”

That’s right, Emily! You go on picking you. There’s someone out there for you — and he’ll definitely have better facial hair.

I’ll be honest with you rose lovers: I fast-forwarded through the “Grace” and “Vizzy” double-date because I literally could not care less. Literally, not figuratively.

Feeling left out, Sarah and Carly invite Daniel and Evan over to their “apartment” for wine — and naturally Evan takes it as a cue that Carly wants to “open the door” to their relationship once again. Unlikely, sir.

Poor Carly feels bad and “confused” about Evan, and why she sometimes feels majorly “creeped out” by him and other times can tolerate his presence. Girl, go with your gut — and your gut is saying, very clearly, no physical. Like, if Carly could have turned her head 180 degrees to keep Evan from kissing her goodbye, she would have. Is another week in un-air-conditioned Paradise really worth it, Carly?

Evan makes his way back to his room, and though he seems a little wobbly, it’s probably just because he drank a little too much wine, right?

Make that much too much wine. When the petite female producer fails to shake Evan out of his drunken slumber, another producer calls for medical help, while a third alerts Carly that her one-time faux boyfriend is in distress. Wouldn’t you know it, as soon as the medic arrives Evan has perked up substantially, but out of an abundance of caution the doctor advises that someone sleep in the room with him to make sure he’s OK. One-two-three Carly you’re it!

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph how much wine did she drink? Carly, you’re better than this, girl. Speaking of getting blackout drunk, the Lace/Grant/Izzy/Vinny double date has turned into something that looks like an after school special about date rape directed by Stanley Kubrick.

But when some random patron throws water on Izzy, things go from surreal to run-of-the-mill Jersey Shore. “Don’t pour water on us again!” barks Lace at the faceless girl, who is restrained by several guys before she can tear out Lace’s extensions.

We interrupt this hot mess to bring you Team Bachelor’s visual metaphors for Amanda and Josh having sex while Nick sits on the beach, alone and forlorn.

Excellent use of stock footage, guys.

Just when you think the drama is over for the night, our final Bipper of the episode comes flouncing down the stairs.

That’s right, bishes! It’s Ashley I. — and she’s ready to turn her on-again, off-again status with Jared to the permanent on position. “He sends me roses. Sometimes we kiss, and sometimes we don’t. Sometimes we sleep in a bed together,” she reports. “However, nothing has happened… down there.”

On that note, rose lovers, we’re going to wrap for the night. Come back tomorrow, obviously, for Ashley I.’s inevitable meltdown over Jared and Caila, and to see Nick and some “nubile newbie” almost get eaten by crabs on the beach. Finally, why is Daniel on a date with Ashley I.? If he throws over Sarah for Princess Cries-a-Lot I will not be happy. Post your thoughts about tonight’s episode below. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to log a call to PETA — I’m pretty sure Team Bachelor is holding this iguana hostage at the hotel just because he makes good b-roll.

Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC. After Paradise airs Tuesdays at 9 p.m. on ABC.