'Bachelor in Paradise' Recap: 'I Give Zero [Bleeps] Right Now'

Remember where we left off, rose lovers? Jared dropped an “atom bomb” on Paradise by asking Clare on a date, and this morning Mikey is still smarting over the betrayal. “Clare takes her t–s out and says yes before he even finishes his sentence,” he harrumphs. With the rose ceremony looming, Mikey realizes he needs to “start over"… but with whom? In case you’re having trouble keeping score, here’s the current BIP leaderboard:

• Carly & Kirk
  

• Jade & Tanner
  

• Ashley Onion & Dan
  

• Clare & Jared
  

• Tenley & Joshua or JJ
  

• Juelia & Joe (until Samantha arrives)
  

That leaves Jonathan, Mikey, and either Joshua or JJ scrambling for Ashley I.’s rose. Of course, Ashley I., bless her heart, still thinks she has a chance to win Jared’s heart back. "I’m definitely not going to lose a guy to Clare,” she sniffs. “Because she’s a f–king cougar!” Allow me to take a moment to point out one of the many ways BIP helpfully illuminates our society’s double standards: Clare is 34 and constantly referred to as “old” and a “cougar,” while Jonathan is 33, and Dan, JJ, and Kirk are 32, yet nobody says a peep. End of rant.

Wow, did we really go almost two full weeks without anyone being forced to bungee jump in Paradise? Thank God that dry spell is over.

Just the sight of the bungee platform drives Clare to tears. (Don’t worry, honey — I’m sure this vendor is in full compliance with whatever Mexican safety standards apply to white tourist leisure sports.) “It’s gonna be so much fun!” insists Jared, planting a kiss on Clare as the music swells. Then she and Jared assume the position and take the plunge.

Back at Playa Escondida, Ashley Onion is sussing out the Joe-Juelia situation, and she does NOT love it. “He has literally been avoiding her,” she complains. Indeed, Joe is more interested in pumping Jade for information about what kind of guys Samantha likes (answer: “pretty boys”) than spending any time with his former date. In other words:

Clare returns from her date with Jared and begins giddily recounting her adventures to Carly and Juelia, which of course sends Ashley I. into another mascara-streaked shame spiral. Cheer up, honey — I’m sure Tenley will let you have one of her two sub-par suitors. Wait a minute, make that three!

You may remember him as the persistent, diabetic prosecutor from Desiree’s season… but you probably don’t, which is why Chris Harrison makes a point to remind Michael that he is, in fact, a “diabetic lawyer.” Mikey G. has his eye on Tenley, which means Ashley I. is about to be rejected again and she doesn’t even know it yet. (Score another one for the “olds”!)

Related: Chris Harrison Blogs ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Week 2

Both JJ and Joshua recognize Michael as a legitimate threat to their non-relationship with Tenley. “I’m going to wish diarrhea on Michael,” says Joshua. (Did he say this before or after he saw Mikey G. put on white pants for his date? Only Team BIP knows for sure.)

Meanwhile, the other Mikey decides it’s time to make a play for Juelia before time runs out. When his verbal pitch doesn’t work — “I think I could be a really good person for you” — Mikey tries to manhandle his way into her heart.

This method also fails. Can we cut to the part where he tells Juelia that Joe is just using her to get to Samantha? Nope, not yet. First it’s time to eavesdrop on Michael’s date with Tenley, where he is just killing it with some sweet talk: “There was no Plan B for me. Like, you were my Plan A.” This is only my second-favorite compliment of the night, however; Jared wins the prize for saying this to Clare: “You’re eight years older than me, obviously. But you look great!” (He somehow managed to wedge that gem in between saying “You know what I mean?” approximately every four seconds.)

Anyhow, Tenley and Michael’s date ends with a performance by what appears to be every working mariachi band in Mexico — a scenario that frankly looks more intimidating than romantic, but perhaps it’s a cultural thing I just don’t understand. “I’m in trouble with this rose ceremony tomorrow!” moans Tenley with an I’m-loving-this smile.

Speaking of which, it’s finally here! Harrison appears out of nowhere again for the weekly “How you feelin’?” check-in with the cast. Joe tells everyone that he finds the whole thing “very intimidating” and that he’s “never overconfident,” so Juelia soothes his fake fears by announcing that she’s going to give Joe her rose. Pause here for Ashley Onion’s perfect “AW HELL NO” face:

But it’s the boys who speak up instead — first Jonathan tells Juelia that Joe is not in Paradise for “the right reasons” (everyone take a shot!), a sentiment Mikey echoes. These two warnings (biased though they may be) plus Joe’s icy aloofness since their one-on-one date should be enough to clue Juelia in, but the poor thing really wants to believe in her Southern-fried fantasy.

I’m gonna go with the latter. In fact, let’s call him the “Zero F–ks Killer.” And it looks as though Mikey T. is poised to become his next victim.

You gotta hand it to the guy, though — he’s a very effective liar and manipulator. (Most sociopaths are.) After dominating Mikey T. with his steely stare, Joe marches over to Jonathan — and by the time Joe’s through, Jonathan has not only apologized to him for the “right reasons” comment, he’s tearfully confessed to Juelia that he made it all up in an attempt to get a rose. As Ali G would say, respek.

Given that Joe seems to have locked up Juelia’s rose, there are two big mysteries left: Which of the three guys in Tenley’s “love square” will get to stay, and what will Jared do now that Clare’s decided they have no “future” because he’s not “ready”?

Aw, Jared, why’d you have to go and do a thing like that? I mean we know why — you want to extend your vacation — but I was holding out hope that you were a marginally good guy. I suppose the upside is that Ashley’s emotional implosion will make for spectacular TV when Jared finally does trade her in for a less Kardashian model, but it still just makes me feel kinda sad. I mean, don’t you think th — what’s that? OK, rose lovers, we’re getting a report live from the field in Paradise… It seems that Clare is having an inexplicable meltdown and yelling at everyone and no one at once. Let’s go to the scene:

Alllllll rightie then. Jade, don’t bother telling Clare that you find her little hissy-fit “offensive” — it’s not over yet. Yes, Clare has now stormed out of the rose ceremony and she’s taken Harrison with her. I repeat, Clare took Harrison!

And to his credit, the host doesn’t even pretend that Clare has a real concern to discuss. “Pull yourself together!” he practically snaps. But Clare doesn’t got a man, so she’s not trying to hear that, see? And so I think you know what happens next.

Looks like Team BIP is taking a page out of The Bachelorette’s playbook. Let’s not make it a habit, OK guys? If we’re gonna devote four hours a week to this thing, a little closure isn’t too much to ask. But for now, let’s just ask ourselves the following questions: Who’s your favorite “power couple” so far? (Mine is Ashley Onion and Dan.) How soon will Tenley live to regret her decision to keep Joshua? And wow, is Joe a terrifying bastard or what? Post your thoughts below, and be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s behind-the-scenes BIP blog. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to commence giving zero f–ks.

Bachelor in Paradise airs Sundays and Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC; After Paradise airs Mondays at 9 p.m. on ABC.