‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Finale Recap: And They Lived Sweatily Ever After

Warning: This recap contains spoilers for the Sept. 6 season finale of Bachelor in Paradise.

Welcome to the end, rose lovers! Six weeks of drinking, crying, hooking up, and sweating — not to mention all the action on screen – has all led up to this: Who will trivialize the institution of marriage by proposing to someone they’ve known for at most four weeks? And who will go on to become the Bachelor? Let’s find out.

The morning after the Fantasy Suite date, Carly wakes up smiling. “I would accept a proposal [from Evan],” she insists. Who is this woman? How did she go from finding Evan “repulsive” to wanting to marry him? How can she possibly listen to Evan perform a morning-after rap about her dietary habits (“she’s gluten free/ and that includes barley”) and not run screaming from the building? Man, Team Bachelor, you’re good.

Grant and Lace wake up in a slightly less swoony mood — perhaps the burning pain on the inside of their wrists reminds them that they haven’t always made the best decisions in Paradise. “Waking up this morning, I feel very weird in a bad way,” says Grant. “I think last night I went to bed with a lot of unanswered questions… and now there’s no more time.”

Of course when he expresses his concerns and doubts about getting engaged so quickly to Lace, she does not handle it well. “I don’t know where Grant’s heads at,” she sniffles. “Why did we get tattoos if you’re just going to wake up the next morning and question if we should be engaged or not?” Excellent question, honey. But perhaps you should take Grant’s hesitation as a good sign – rather than piling one rash decision upon another, he wants to think things through for the long-term health of your relationship. Doesn’t that sound good?

Let’s just agree to disagree. Meanwhile, Nick and Jen sip their coffee in bed, the detritus of last night’s Fantasy Suite shenanigans strewn about the room. “I feel good about where we’re at,” says Jen. “I’ve never felt closer to him.” Had Nick not been announced as the Bachelor last week, it would be easy enough to believe that he might actually propose to Jen – but he was, so watching their cute “I had an amazing night with you” pillow talk is both uncomfortable and cruelly thrilling.

There’s no such danger lurking over in Amanda and Josh’s room – they wake up as “madly in love” in ever. Though Team Bachelor tries to create some suspense about whether or not Josh will get cold feet (“As much as I’m in love with Amanda, I don’t know what’s going to happen”), I think we all know where this is headed. On to the rings!

Related: Chris Harrison Blogs the ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Season Finale

Team Bachelor speeds through ring selection, pausing only to let Neil Lane get in a good-natured joke at Nick’s expense.

At least one, sir. Also, thank God we know Nick doesn’t propose — because this ring he chooses is worse than the gold monstrosity Aiden almost gives to Carrie in Sex and the City.

At last, it’s proposal time. Carly’s up first, and man is she nervous. “I can’t picture life without him in it,” she says. She joins Evan at the Proposal Platform and giggles through his preamble, as he talks about how “special and unique” their relationship is. “My love for you has only gotten stronger,” says Evan, choking up. “I feel like my heart beats to your soul.” Carly praises her man for being “fearless in the pursuit of me” (doesn’t she mean “relentless”?) and says, “I would die for you.” Dayum, girl — what has happened to you? Blink twice if the real Carly Waddell is still in there?

Of course, Carly says yes, and there is much smooching, crying, and giggling. “He makes me feel so beautiful, inside and outside,” says Carly. Welp, hon, we hope it works out for you two weirdos. Somebody prep Evan’s kids — Daddy went to Mexico for a month, and all they’re gonna get is a new stepmom.

Up next are the newly-branded Grant and Lace — both of whom are still feeling unsure and antsy. “If Grant doesn’t propose, I am going to be heartbroken,” says Lace. “I am beyond nervous and anxious.” To capitalize on her anxiety, Team Bachelor makes Lace give her speech first, which she does haltingly. “I find you beyond handsome,” she says. “I just feel like every time I get scared or put up a wall, there you are running right behind me… And I thought to myself, ‘Why am I running?‘” Because you’re both crazy and normal? Just a thought.

Grant’s response is undeniably sweet: “I love you when you’re happy; I love you when you’re stubborn; I love you when you’re sad; I even love you when you’re screaming at me,” he says. “But mostly, I love you when you’re Lace.”

Lace is sobbing so hard she can barely choke out a “yes,” and so you’ll forgive Grant for double-checking with a “Yeah?” before he puts on the ring. Good luck with forever, guys. Here’s hoping it comes with a reality show of your own.

After two happy proposals, it’s time for Team Bachelor to mix things up a bit… so Nick, you’re up! Harrison greets Jen in the Rose Palapa and then sends her down to the beach with a non-committal “Good luck.” Perhaps he suspects that Jen’s decision to wear a crop top to her potential proposal means she, too, knows that she’s leaving Paradise alone. Now let’s pause and listen to Jen utter more words than she has all season: “Coming into this, my eyes went right for you… The chemistry was instant and intense… I knew that day that I’d found something special,” she says. “You’ve brought out a side of me that wants to be open and vulnerable, and that hasn’t happened in a long time.” And so on, until Jen tearfully professes her love for the guy who’s about to break her heart… as soon as he stops crying.

“I’m a better person today than I was when you first showed up, because of you,” Nick says tearfully… and that’s when Jen knows it’s over.

Our future Bachelor goes on to tell Jen that as hard as he’s tried, he can’t make his heart love her. “Something’s telling me to say goodbye,” he says, sobbing. “I’m sorry… I feel like you deserve better than me.”

Fare thee well, Jen. Someday you’ll find someone who’s more than 53 percent invested — we promise. As for you, Nick… we’ll see you in about four months.

And now for the saddest part of the proceedings, starring Amanda and Josh. “I have no questions at all,” says Amanda, tragically. “I know who he is, and that’s really all that matters.” If you say so, honey. Let’s just get this over with.

Josh, who now tells us that he “still had reservations” on the day he proposed to Andi, notes that “there doesn’t need to be an engagement right away” this time around… but Team Bachelor begs to differ. After Amanda reiterates how excited she is to have Josh join her “little family,” he takes a deep breath and fulfills his end of the bargain.

Do I really need to tell you that she says yes?

Can someone please get Josh a towel? He’s going to ruin Amanda’s dress.

Team Bachelor wraps up the proceedings with updates on all of our “favorite” Bippers: Haley and Emily are still dating each other; Jared and Caila had an amicable break-up; Vinny is currently enjoying a post-Paradise babe bump:

As for the “couples”? Carly has met Evan’s kids and will be moving to Nashville to be with him in December; Lace now lives in San Francisco with Grant and they want to get married “ASAP”; Josh, meanwhile, relocated to Orange County to complete Amanda’s family.

For whatever reason, Team Bachelor decides to play coy when it comes to Nick’s update (“his future looks bright”), and they don’t even bother to tell us what’s up with Jen. (What are the odds she’ll be the last one out of the limo in January?)

And with that, rose lovers, our summer of Paradise is over, three engagements later. Which wedding –if it happens – would you like to see on TV? Take our poll below! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s exclusive behind-the-scenes blog here. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go reintroduce myself to my family — I haven’t had time to talk to them all summer.

The Bachelor premieres in January 2017 on ABC.