'American Idol': Judging the Judges
Attempting to steer American Idol’s farewell season in a bold new direction is a brutal mission, but someone’s gotta attempt the impossible before the mothership goes down in in a blaze of former glory come early April. So welcome to the first installment of Judging the Judges, Yahoo TV’s weekly power ranking* of Keith Urban, Jennifer Lopez, and Harry Connick Jr. during the final Idol-sponsored round of their shared quest to become the greatest not-so-obvious self-promoter America has ever seen.
*Unlike the unwavering prominence of Keith’s chest tattoo, the Judging the Judges points system is 100 percent arbitrary and subject to change.
KEITH URBAN
+100 points go to the country star for willfully getting lost in the whimsical blur of a state-fair-winning chicken during Arkansas teen Maddie McAllister’s audition.
+300 ***VISIBLE TEARS ALERT*** Keith choked up for real during Melanie Tierce’s soul-searching performance of Andra Day’s “Rise Up.”
+30 for the inconsolable giggle fit following Keith’s corniest joke of the week — if Melanie’s mom was the one who gave her those beautiful ice blue eyes, then how does she see? “That was ridiculous, just ridiculous,” Keith admitted. Perhaps his sense of shame helped prompt the tears, so let’s go ahead and bump this one up to +50.
-40 for attempting to lie to a contestant that the Nutella crepes he’d once ordered from her at a café were for his daughter, not him. Whatever, Urban! She saw you eating them! Take some pride in your carbs.
+15 for ruining a delusional old lady’s reputation forever: “I’ve never had a female vocal coach,” he corrected the woman’s current student, who’d insisted he had. Then again, if Keith lied about the Nutella crepes, who’s to say he’s telling the truth here? What could possibly more sacred than Nutella?
-5 for claiming La’Porsha Jennings would give the other contestants “some vocal runs for their money.” It had been a long day, okay? Keith was running on empty and obviously needed a crepe.
+200 for not letting a talented but totally unprepared contestant off the hook just because, as Harry pointed out, the judges might have ruffled her feathers by shooting the breeze with her for far too long. “No, no. That was ages ago,” Keith set Harry straight before laying some real talk on Sarah Hayes: “Everything was unstable. I just can’t say yes. You so don’t seem ready for this at all.” More critiques like this, please!
HARRY CONNICK JR.
+200 points go to jokester Harry for warranting the first bleep oval of Season 15 when he admitted that Michelle Marie, a well-intentioned but extremely off-putting Idol super fan who’d based her entire life on the show, “scared the f— out of me”.
+50 for saving Josiah Siska from the Idol editing team’s trash folder by knee-clapping and lassoing imaginary items during the 18-year-old’s Johnny Cash cover. (The neighing, however, may have been a bit much.)
-30 for directing all the attention to J. Lo’s state fair-winning manicure instead of what should have been the camera’s rightful target: a contestant’s pet chicken. (Or, oh yeah, the contestant. If they have to.)
-100 for begging to be handcuffed by New Mexico police officer Reanna Molinao, then complaining endlessly about the pain, then getting back on board to request the Idol hopeful bring a taser with her to Hollywood. “I would do that,” said Harry later, shooting a Blue Steel look into the camera. “I would be tased.” (Instant 500-point penalty if Harry gets tased for laughs in the future.)
-50 for claiming to need a break during a contestant’s audition and then just sitting off to the side, brooding.
-50 for trying too hard to make a connection (this isn’t The Bachelor) just because he needed a hug and Ryan Seacrest was in his usual seat. Joke’s on Prince Harry, though: “I literally for a split second thought that was my mom,” said Brandyn Burnette, the first guy to win four yeses this season.
-50 ***TMI ALERT*** Harry told cosmetologist Shelbie Z. that he’d “actually invented the manscape.”
+20 for keeping promising contestants like Malie Delgado (Miss Alaska 2014) guessing about what the hell he might actually be saying. “You know how like you look at different swatches of paint colors, and there are so many blues?” Harry wondered, nowhere near finished. “You are the prettiest and strongest aquamarine blue that we have. But there’s so much blue. A ridiculously talented, beautiful, smart young woman. I hope you’re ready for the long haul. Or in your case, a dog fight.”
-1 for unintentionally making a hand-heart up there.
+150 for recognizing that despite all its foibles, American Idol deserves to end on a high note and should welcome anyone who can help shift the public’s perception as the hourglass runs out. “You’re just a natural talent,” Harry told Trent Harmon after his surprisingly smooth Alan Stone cover. “The competition needs you.”
JENNIFER LOPEZ
-5 points to Keith, -10 points to Harry, and -50 points go to J. Lo for highjacking Billy Bob Evett’s honky tonk audition with their need to sprawl out. J. Lo also lunged (seductively) at the chance to turn the passive-aggressive fat-shaming on herself: “Oh, you liked me in my chunky days!” she wholeheartedly approved of Billy Bob. “Anyone who says they liked me in Fly Girls has a special place in my heart.”
-69 for pretending to be scoping out local guys on a dating app in Little Rock when really just taking a selfie.
+200 for unflappably holding La’Porsha Jennings’ baby girl and even teaching the little one how to smile with her eyes during Mom’s run-shattering cover of Radiohead’s “Creep”.
+10 for being the one judge brave enough to tell contestant Kerry Courtney, 24, how scary his face looked during his Death Cab For Cutie cover. “I don’t know if America will like it,” said Jennifer. He’s better off knowing this sooner than later.
-100 for the return of J. Lo’s tired-out signature sensation. She just had to bring them back, didn’t she? Those f—ing goosies.
+50 for wearing what looked like a Snuggie from afar but was probably an expensive mink during lounge time.
-40 for her general indignity at the farm-based lives of the Arkansas contestants, which included the hard-hitting quandary, “Why would one have donkeys?”
+2 for graciously downplaying a compliment about the sparkles on her shoulders: “I don’t even know where those came from.”
+20 for championing San Francisco’s sudden surge of lady power: “It’s time a girl won. F— the guys.”
HONORABLE MENTION:
+100 to Ryan Seacrest for playing makeup with J. Lo while the real musicians tinkered on their own respective instruments…
…and -7,000 to season 8 winner Kris Allen for duetting with some dude in the bathroom.
FINAL TALLY:
Keith Urban won Week 1 with a whopping 615 points! Incredible!
Jennifer Lopez: 223. Just okay for me. A slight tingling.
Harry Connick Jr.: 129. Meh. Get meaner, man.
Ryan Seacrest: 100
Kris Allen: -7,000
Everyone gets a fresh start for Week 2 of Judging the Judges, so this is anyone’s game. Constructive criticism, well-wielded shade, and a low tolerance for bulls— is the gist of what we’re looking for here. More evidence that Harry loves attention and J. Lo knows how to use her iPhone is not.
Best of luck to all three judges — plus season 2 runner-up Clay Aiken, who stood in for Seacrest at the Philadelphia auditions and clearly has a lot to say — during this week’s doubleheader of American Idol, airing Wednesday and Thursday at 8 p.m. on Fox.
