'American Horror Story: Hotel' Recap: Prisoners of Love

Warning: This recap for the “Flicker” episode of American Horror Story: Hotel contains spoilers.

Although drinking blood is nobody’s idea of a great time, vampirism certainly seems to have its perks. For example, it tends to make you not only beautiful but sexy and altogether horny; expensive couture practically slaps itself onto your body; you become impervious to any of the million ways the human body is flawed; you get to live forever. But that last one can be a real vampire pain in the vampire A. Not just due to all the existentialism and ennui that comes along with immortality, but also because sometimes you will be bricked into the abandoned wing of a haunted hotel, and what then? Immortality sure loses its luster in situations such as that.

Related: ‘American Horror Story’: Your Grotesque Guide to the True Stories that Inspired ‘Hotel’

“Flicker” was a great and restrained episode of Nightmare Tales Specific to the USA that explored The Countess’ backstory, and how she came to be a vampire. What may have come as a surprise to most of us was that the dashing man who infected her with the virus was none other than Rudolph Valentino! Who, as a reminder, was an actual person. Even more audacious, he’s played by Finn Wittrock and exactly zero explanation was offered for why Rudolph Valentino and the late Tristan Duffy were doppelgangers. Ever since this series decided to connect each of its seasons, the glaring question has been, If each season takes place in the same world, why are there FOUR different women who all look exactly like Jessica Lange? But in “Flicker” it’s as though AHS was openly embracing this phenomenon within a single season. See what I’m saying? If the final season of this thing doesn’t include a giant laboratory stocked with Evan Peters clones I think we should all feel very disappointed.

But yeah, “Flicker” was pretty wonderful. Let’s talk about it!

After an awkward but mercifully brief moment in which Will Drake attempted to explain to his young son that he was now sexually attracted to a woman, a group of construction workers began the ill-advised task of battering down a mysterious wall that wasn’t in the blue prints.

Quite frankly, this was not a great idea on their part. I would expect that within construction worker circles everyone knows not to knock down walls in the Hotel Cortez? They clearly didn’t get that memo.

Because within seconds they were set upon by a couple of elderly ghouls with a taste for gristle!

Who were these disgusting ghouls! And was it now cause for concern that they’d been freed from their bricked-in existence?

Though the Countess wasn’t totally sure who’d been living in that hallway, she looked scared for sure now that they’d escaped. And as Iris pointed out, the Countess NEVER looks scared.

The first big victim of these decrepit vampires? MARCIE THE REALTOR! I know I for one will miss her hateful, racist ways. (Unless she’s now a permanent ghost, in which case welcome to the party, Marcie!)

We then segued into an extended flashback that explained The Countess’ origins. Before she’d been turned into a vampire, she was just a lowly extra in a Hollywood production that co-starred the very famous Rudolph Valentino towards the end of his career. And he looked very familiar to us!

Also he had a girlfriend named Natacha Rambova, who was also a real person.

She was played by the great Alexandra Daddario! (If this means Alexandra Daddario be appearing in the AHS franchise more, that would make me very happy.)

Anyway, within minutes the three of them were in a naked tangle on the bed. Sure, this was the 1920s, but that didn’t mean a steamy three-way was out of the question! NOTHING was prohibited in this roaring bed. Those flapping sheets could be heard all the way to Charleston. Something something Jitterbug. Sigh.

A year later the Countess had found herself in a throuple, a good old-fashioned throuple and she couldn’t be happier. But then Rudolph Valentino DIED! Or at least that’s what the papers said. So she had no choice but to commit suicide. Unfortunately Mr. March grabbed her before she could leap to her death and then they got married, where she came to find herself aroused and intrigued by his murderous ways. Yet she still mourned for her former lover by putting on her best black veil and delivering a rose to his mausoleum every day, which seems like a normal and healthy hobby.

Until the day she found out that Valentino and his girlfriend had FAKED their deaths! And not only that, but they’d picked up a very interesting disease during their travels. And they got it from THIS dude:

He was some kind of film industry guy and when he was location scouting for Nosferatu he got involved in a Transylvanian orgy where he became a vampire. (I think?) Anyway, he then stalked Valentino and then gave him vampirism. After that, we can understand that Valentino went on to infect Natasha and then later the Countess. Now that all three were immortal, the plan was to run away together and be immortal TOGETHER! Unfortunately Mr. March is a major jerk and he got wind of the plan and hired a couple of goons to bludgeon Valentino and Natasha and then pave them into a wing in his hotel. The Countess believed she’d been stood up at the train station and never thought of it again.

Flash forward to now! Suddenly Valentino and Natasha were free to roam the world again, and after feasting on a gaggle of Australian male strippers they looked as good as new. Even with zero exposure to the last hundred years of fashion, they still managed to look picture perfect. Classic vampire stuff. And just as they exited the building, the Countess discovered that THEY had been the ones paved in that hotel hallway all those years. As you might imagine, this was an upsetting notion for her. How will she react? I guess we will have to stay tuned, as it were.

The other main plotline in “Flicker” involved the increasingly questionable mental state of Detective John Lowe. At the beginning of the episode he checked himself into a mental hospital for, uh, mental problems. But then we learned he’d only done so because he got a tip that a suspected accomplice to the Ten Commandments Killer was being held there as well.

So later he straight up assaulted a guard in order to gain entry to the accomplice’s room! And it was this girl:

The main thing to know about her was that her name was Red and she reminded John Lowe of his daughter Scarlet (get it?). Also, she had assisted the Ten Commandments Killer set up his various grim tableaux. But the most important thing to know about her was that she was a vampire who’d once been rescued from a hot car by the Countess back when she had truly incredible ‘80s hair.

Now THAT is a goddess if I’ve ever seen one. Vampire or not, the Countess was absolutely divine in those days.

Anyway, this creepy girl and John Lowe had at least two very unsettling conversations in which she promised to take him to the killer, and he promised to kill the killer. Now, while she never outright asked him why he kept talking about himself in the third person (because let’s be real, John Lowe is for sure the killer), she DID seem sad when he promised to kill the killer. Why? “Because I like you.” Then she did this:

What the?

Get it? Because if he kills the killer, he’ll be killing himself. Right? Or is it TOO obvious. Honestly at this point I am hoping John Lowe is NOT actually the killer, if only because that would be the more surprising outcome. But yeah, either way, he’s not in great shape mentally, and this situation did not help things.

Overall “Flicker”’s strength was in focusing on just two subplots, particularly the Countess’ origins. It needs to be said yet again, but Lady Gaga’s range and talents expand every week and she absolutely nailed this episode. From comedy to pathos to creepiness, she did it all like a seasoned pro. Credit also to the writers for creating a character as dense and layered as she’s been. Depending on the scenario she’s a savior angel or a nightmare ghoul, and both modes are completely supported by her life experiences until that point. That being said, I’d love to get back to some of the other plotlines soon. Remember all those people sewn into mattresses? What was THAT about? It’s not like we’re immortal, American Horror Story. Give us those answers already!

What did YOU think of “Flicker”?

American Horror Story: Hotel airs Wednesdays at 10 p.m. on FX