Although this week’s American Horror Story: Coven finds Cordelia setting in motion her plot to assassinate her mother, it’s what Marie does to Delphine that’ll really make your head spin. Keep reading. I’ll give you all the gory details…
GRISLY MADAMS | As “The Sacred Taking” begins, Zoe and Madison try to bring Queenie back to Miss Robichaux’s, but she goes all “Dear diary, those girls were never really my friends!” on them. (Madison’s priceless reaction: “Boo friggin’ hoo.”) What’s more, the human voodoo doll warns that there’s a war brewing between Team Marie and Camp Fiona. (A war that apparently can’t be settled by a hair salon vs. prep school softball game.) In spite of Queenie’s defection, Cordelia is ready to proceed with her plan to kill Mommie Dearest — a plan that gets a big boost when Misty shows up seeking refuge (from Hank) with Auntie Myrtle (again rocking the wig she lifted from Grace Jones in Vamp). So what IS this big plan? Everybody has to put on black mantillas and Little Red Riding Hood cloaks for a ceremony called — ta-da! — the Sacred Taking! Uh-huh. So then what? Nothing much. Just Fiona has to commit suicide so that the new Supreme — who this week is Misty, Myrtle’s decided — can ascend to her position of power. Since Fiona has no intention of offing herself, Madison and then Myrtle reveal themselves to her and explain that the witch killer has two options: Down enough pills to take a perma-nap or burn at the stake. (Become “hash browns” is how Madison puts it.) Cornered, Fiona prepares for her OD by dressing up like Norma Desmond — so far as I can tell, not a requirement of the Sacred Taking — and swallows an Anna Nicole special.
DIE JOB | Of course, Fiona doesn’t really die. Spalding’s spirit comes to her in her hour of need — ipecac in hand — and reveals not only that Misty is the Supreme du jour but also that Cordelia ordered the hit. The cancer patient is still none too thrilled to be stuck looking “less Samantha and more Endora every day,” but she’s also so proud of her daughter that she exclaims, “I might throw you a parade.” (Finding a suitable Mother’s Day card for her has GOT to be one of the Seven Wonders, right?) Anyway, it’s a good thing Fiona didn’t croak, because…
CRIME AND PUNISHMENT | After nut-next-door Joan gives Luke an Ajax colonic to purify him from the inside out, Nan — sensing his distress — rides to the rescue… just in time for Hank (apparently the worst shot this side of the Mississippi) to take aim at her and instead kill the religious fanatic and wound her son. Oh, don’t worry. Joan’s not dead for long. (Misty resurrects her quicker than Fiona can toss off a one-liner.) Plus, a stray blessed silver bullet tips off Cordelia — via a vision — that the incident is not, as the police suspect, a robbery gone wrong.
BAD HEAD | As the hour comes to a close, Cordelia gets another reason to be glad that Fiona is still alive to stand with her. See, while all this has been going on at Miss Robichaux’s, over at Marie’s chop shop, the voodoo queen has been getting damn tired of Delphine’s attitude. “Whatcha gonna do, kill me?” Madame LaLaurie taunts. “I can’t die.” True. But that kinda works to Marie’s advantage. Instead of killing her prisoner, she simply Hershel Greenes her and has her — still very-much-alive — noggin delivered to the doorstep of Miss Robichaux’s!
Okay, your turn. What did you think of the episode? Myrtle was particularly hilarious, I thought. Her excitement over digging out the robes for the Sacred Taking was plum adorable. (“Mothballs and history… It’s a cocktail I swoon for!”) And how bad did you feel for Madison when she overheard FrankenKyle forming his first sentences with Zoe… and one of them was “I love you.” Any way you slice it — sorry, Delphine… too soon? — fun episode. Hit the comments.