'The Bachelor: The Women Tell All' Recap: 'We Like to Talk Smart Things Too'

Previously, on The Bachelor! Twenty-seven women fell victim to a collective delusion that overly-earnest Indiana boy, Ben Higgins, was in fact the most desirable man on earth! Many of those women wore partial shirts while trying to woo Ben Higgins! Almost everyone ended up hating each other, because misters before sisters, amirite?

Related: Chris Harrison Blogs ‘The Bachelor: The Women Tell All’

Now that you’re all caught up, let’s join The Bachelor: The Women Tell All, already in progress.

Chapter 1: Filler

We fade in on the Tealight Candle Thunderdome, where a screeching crowd watches via picture-in-picture as Olivia puts her face on.

(Props to those women in the Sex Panther shirts, by the way. That’s commitment.) But it’s not time to publicly humiliate Olivia yet — first, we need to make it through a segment where Ben and Chris Harrison break into fans’ houses to surprise them while they’re watching the show. Harrison and Ben hop from house to house, taking selfies and subjecting their eardrums to a continuous stream of shrill screaming.

Chapter 2: “Ladies” and Chicken

At last Harrison introduces the women, and as always there are a few contestants who I swear I’ve never seen before in my life. Like, does anyone have proof that this person was really on the show?

More importantly, we finally get to see everyone’s WTA makeover — loving the sleek bob, Olivia! — and watch as they watch themselves act the fool via the picture-in-picture Humiliation Cam™.

Indeed, the Bitchiness Recap Reel ends with an extended segment on everyone’s favorite fat-toed villain, so the women use that a segue to just jump right in and start trashing her.

Sheila the chicken — long-suffering pet of Tiara, as you may recall — is so put off by this unsisterly behavior that she tries to flee, but alas, her owner will not let her escape.

Harrison deftly shifts the spotlight to Leah, and just the mere mention of the name prompts the crowd to boo loudly.

Leah does not help herself: She claims that Lauren B. called the other women “losers” and insists that she “didn’t intentionally lie” when she lied to Becca’s face and said she didn’t talk sh*t about Lauren. At that point, even Sheila can’t contain her disgust.

You said it, chicken. Things get a little more intense when it’s Jubilee’s turn in the spanking machine. Jami the bartender you barely remember announces that as a biracial woman, she took offense at Jubilee’s claim that she was “the real black girl” of the group, and that she planned to “make it the furthest for a full black woman.” While I can see why the former statement might be hurtful, dare I say that I don’t see what’s so wrong with the latter comment? The former is degrading, yes, but the latter is just Jubilee being ambitious — if anyone said “I’m going to make it the furthest for a natural blonde” would anyone freak out? Either way, Jubilee claims she did not say anything of the sort… at least at first. “I do say something like that,” she admits after the commercial break. “I’ll be like, ‘I’m full black.’ But I don’t see why that’s offensive.”

After some more browbeating, though, Jubilee attempts to apologize — but Jami won’t let it drop. (After all, how else is she going to keep the spotlight on her?) Speaking of spotlight hogs, look who has something to say:

Sorry, blondie, but I’m fairly certain you aren’t technically allowed to have an opinion here?

Chapter 3: She Wasn’t Playing, White Boy

Oh no, honey, Team Bachelor is not done with you yet. We still have a few areas to cover, such as…

Under Harrison’s sympathetic but penetrating gaze, Jubilee admits that her tragic past (and yeah, in this case “tragic” isn’t an overstatement) is “one of the biggest” obstacles for her when it comes to romantic relationships. “I’ve worked on who I am, and I love who I am,” she continues. “But [the show] breeds things like my insecurities and jealousy and all those things… After watching this, I refuse to ever overthink something so much to the point where I’m self destructive.” Look at that — The Bachelor, changing lives, one emotionally damaged soldier at a time.

Chapter 4: Lace Takes Two Steps Forward, One Million Back

First up, I think we need to discuss Lace’s new look.

“What has your life been like since you left the show?” asks Harrison. “Have you dated since?” When Lace answers in the affirmative, the audience — and Lace herself — can’t help but giggle. But you know what? She may be ridiculous, but at least she recognized her role in the ridiculousness and removed herself from the situation. And now, thanks to The Bachelor, Lace works hard not to make rude faces, she’s stopped describing herself as “crazy,” and most importantly, she’s a better listener. It’s a good thing, too, because some unmiked jackass in the audience would like a word. “You are crazy — crazy beautiful,” he declares, before lifting up his shirt and displaying a tattoo of Lace’s face.

Of course, by “tattoo” I mean “ballpoint pen drawing on a shaved patch of his torso.” Anyhow, Harrison allows the dude to come on stage and get his picture taken with Lace — so here’s hoping he won the scavenger hunt or whatever weird bet he made.

And then, something even more disturbing happens: Harrison asks Lace to sign up for Bachelor in Paradise… and she says yes. I know, I know, what was I expecting — but I really wanted to believe that Lace would stay committed to trying to love herself rather than seeking that attention and validation from cameras and fellow fameosexuals. Ah well, it was a fun fantasy while it lasted.

Chapter 5: Life Sucks for Olivia

While Team Bachelor could have done a whole hour on Olivia, she only now makes it to the Hot Seat. After making it through a “brutal” highlight reel of her various humiliations…

…Olivia gets a little emotional recalling her promising start with Ben. “When it was good, it felt really good,” she tells Harrison. “It’s just hard to think back on the highs, and then to think of the lows.” Naturally, Olivia attributes those lows to all the negative things being said behind her back. I think Amber’s face speaks for all of us here:

Yep, the hate floodgates are open. “Did you not talk about me and my kids?” snaps a raspy Amanda, who’s sick with laryngitis. “And say how any guy should be running the other way from somebody with kids? Do you not think that’s rude?” Olivia mutters something about not being able to “recall” making that comment, but she’s already lost the room. Amanda twists the knife one more time — “Being a mom is my jam,” she says, mocking Olivia’s expression — and the audience bursts into applause. The twins, who have been frothing at the mouth this whole time, jump in — Haley with, “You said I looked like a slut!” and Emily with, “You made fun of Amanda’s ‘sob story’!”

Olivia insists she was simply “minding my own business” and trying to focus on Ben, but the “ladies” scoff at her false humility. “If you got off your high horse for a little bit and tried to bond with us,” Jennifer says, “you’d realize that we like to read books and talk smart things too.”

It’s not as though Olivia didn’t know she was in for a pigpile of bitchery, though, and so she came prepared. “I was severely bullied as a child,” she tells Harrison. “There were so many moments where [this] took me back to being in elementary school.” All those mean girls making fun of her breath and her toes and her boobs, says Olivia, “It sucks.” It’s been so bad, she continues, that she’s had to hand over her social media accounts to her sister so she won’t have to read all the hateful comments. In perhaps the most poignant moment, Olivia admits that she used to watch The Bachelor and make fun of the idiots on it, too. “If there was a guidebook on how to do this show right… I would have read it, and maybe I would have done better,” she sniffles. “I didn’t do it right, but I learned.”

So, do we buy it? I think Olivia does regret some of her actions — and she certainly regrets the whole mouth situation.

But as always, it is hard (for me at least) to feel bad for someone who voluntarily went on a reality TV dating show and then can’t believe it when she becomes the butt of a million twitter jokes. If you can’t stand national scrutiny, stay off national television. It’s pretty simple.

Chapter 6: Sex Panther, Meet Hot Seat

If you’re like me, you’re probably asking yourself, “Does anyone really want to watch a full segment on Caila?” And if you’re like me, that makes you really worried about making it through an entire season of The Bachelorette. Ah well, life isn’t fair, is it kids?

As for the segment itself… Well, Caila’s earrings are lovely.

Seriously, not much else happens, except that Caila says things are “hard” about 114 times. Okay Ben, you’re up!

Chapter 7: Everybody Loves Ben

“I’m nervous, man,” admits the Bachelor as he takes his seat. “Is that a chicken?” Yes it is, sir, but please don’t get distracted by minor details, because Caila has a question: “Did my confusion ever stall our relationship in any way?” Short answer, no… he just liked the other chicks better. Wait, why is Leah talking? Bitch, no one cares that you were put in a tough spot when Ben repeated what you said to him about Lauren B. “I never used your name,” notes the Bachelor. “But when it was brought up in front of you, your response was your response — and that was up to you.” In other words, toots, no one made you lie. So zip it and let the grownups talk.

Jubilee, meanwhile, wants to know why Ben found Caila and JoJo’s reluctance to open up “attractive,” whereas he dumped Jubilee for the same reason. The difference, says Ben, is that Caila and JoJo may have been reluctant, but they were still willing to try: “I’m sorry you feel that I didn’t give you that second chance, but I really thought I did.”

Olivia tells Ben now that she’s watched the show, him dumping her “makes sense,” and Amanda chimes in to praise Ben for bawling after sending her home. “That meant so much to me,” she croaks. “I think you are going to be… a really good dad someday.” In fact the whole rest of the Ben segment is a total lovefest, so let’s skip past it to get to Harrison’s most important question for the Bachelor: “Haley and Emily are here. Can you tell me which one Emily is and which one Haley is?” Survey says…

Good old Ben. He really pays attention, doesn’t he?

Finally, the blooper reel highlights. First up, Ben has a drinking problem:

Jubilee’s hall of fame belch:

And best of all, Becca can’t remember what year it is:

God, remember Chris? What a bore.

Until next week, rose lovers, we’ll just have to fill our days analyzing key moments from the preview in a desperate attempt to figure out whether Ben truly does pull a Mesnick. Ben’s mom, for one, says the whole situation is “really disturbing.”

The good news is, it looks like Ben is honest with at least one of the women; in the previews we hear him confess to JoJo that he loves Lauren too. Most shocking finale… ever? Well, duh.

So, rose lovers, who do you think came off the best on the Women Tell All? Did Olivia redeem herself? Did Caila solidify her place as The Bachelorette? And is it me or did the makeup artist make everyone’s eyebrows look like they were drawn on with magic marker? Post your thoughts now! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s behind-the-scenes blog, too. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to get a tattoo of Chris Harrison on my solar plexus.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.