'The Bachelor' Season Premiere Recap: 'I'm Either Getting Tired or Losing My Mind'

Hello again, rose lovers, and happy 2016 to you! Before we dive in, let’s just take a moment to savor this moment — the oh-so-brief window of time when even hardcore cynics like myself can imagine that maybe, just maybe, this time the romantic machinery of The Bachelor will not malfunction, and that our hero (in this case, Ben) will end his “journey” with a true happily ever after. Sigh.

Related: Chris Harrison Blogs ‘The Bachelor’ Season Premiere

Okay, enough foolishness. Let’s get to it. We open on Ben’s Bachelor photo shoot. “I’m the new Bachelor!” he marvels. “And there’s nothing about that that doesn’t sound strange. I’m just a normal guy from small town Indiana living this life.” Good God, we’re not 60 seconds into the new season and ALREADY Ben is lying? Repeat after me, buddy: Normal people do not voluntarily appear on reality shows.

Cut to Warsaw, Indiana, where Ben shoots hoops at a barn that looks suspiciously like the one where Chris Soules worked out with Cody at the beginning his season.

There are a few things Team Bachelor clearly wants us to know about Ben. One: He really values values. Small-town values, American values, heartland values, family values — any kind of values, really.. Two: Deep down, Mr. Ben Higgins worries that he’s unlovable because… he’s not married yet, or something? He listened to too much Morrissey as a kid? Not quite clear on where this fear comes from, to be honest. Often you can attribute neuroses like that to a person’s upbringing, but Ben’s parents — married for 32 years — seem absolutely lovely. So maybe Ben just hates himself for no reason? Oh great, Ben —now you’ve made your mom cry.

“She’s gonna be great, no matter where you find her,” Mama tells her boy, leaving the rest of her thought — “even if you insist on finding her on TV” — unspoken.

And with that Ben’s off to Casa Bachelor, where he informs us that “three of America’s favorite Bachelors” are coming to offer advice. Holy crap, they brought back Matt Grant, Charlie O'Connell, and Travis Stork?? Oh. He meant those other three “favorites.”

Their advice? Be honest, be open-minded, be true to yourself, dump her on live television if that’s what your heart wants, etc. You get the idea. Yet not one of them said, “Hey buddy, before the limos arrive you have GOT to do something about your hair.”

On a more positive note, can we take a minute to discuss Ben’s chest hair? Props to him for keeping his pectoral peach fuzz rather than going with the typical Bachelor waxed-Ken-doll look. Also, love that he clearly has not been hitting the gym. I guess that’s why the typical 47 shirtless workout montages have so far been replaced by this one flesh-colored blur:

Go on with your dad-bod self, Ben!

After a brief welcome from master of ceremonies Chris Harrison (rocking a snazzy silver-on-black look), it’s time to meet the “incredible” “ladies” who’ll be competing for Ben’s heart.

Lauren, 25: This blonde flight attendant says the beach is her “happy place.”

Caila, 23: Cute software sales rep who broke up with her boyfriend after seeing Ben on Kaitlyn’s season of The Bachelorette. Believes in fate — which could either make her an adorable romantic or the Annie Wilkes of reality TV dating shows.

Jubiliee, 24: This young lady from Florida joined the army when she was 18 and served in Afghanistan. Yes, her name is “Jubilee” but she could probably kill me with her eyes closed… so let’s leave it at that, shall we?

Mandi, 28: This dentist is either a real person or a character who wandered off the set of Portlandia. “I would not date a guy with gingivitis,” she informs us. “Ben seems like he flosses.” As far as priorities go, this lady seems to have hers straight. If only we could say the same for…

Emily and Haley, 22: So their job is… twins? Sure, okay. I’m grateful for any opportunity to reference the 1984 sitcom Double Trouble starring Katey Sagal’s sisters Liz and Jean.

Next we have Amanda Stanton, 25, a single mom of two little girls. (Single moms with just one kid are so last season.) Oh, Amanda, you have me at war with myself: Part of me judges you harshly for leaving your two toddlers at home while you go pursue 15 minutes of shame-fame on a TV show, while the other part of me figures that you doubtless have very little time for yourself, and if this is how you choose to spend it, then go with God and all that. I don’t think I’m going to settle this debate tonight, so let’s move on.

Tiara, 27: While she probably has some kind of job, she’s allowed Team Bachelor to describe her as a “chicken enthusiast.” If she doesn’t emerge from the limo with her pet chicken Sheila in tow, I shall be sorely disappointed.

Samantha, 26: Our first sad backstory of the night comes to us via this law school graduate from Florida, whose father died from ALS when she was 13. “It has made me appreciate life 10 times more than I think I ever would have,” Samantha tells us through her tears. Virtual hug for you, Samantha!

On that sad note, it’s time for the limo arrivals. To calm his nerves, Ben asks Sensei Harrison for a hug.

And the first “lady” out of the limo is… Lauren B. the flight attendant! She hands Ben a pair of those cheap plastic wings airlines hand out to five-year-olds and makes a joke about taking off on their “journey” together. Awkward but harmless. Caila tries to make a more lasting impression by leaping into Ben’s arms, which is difficult given the tight restriction of the hem on her sparkly dress.

Up next is Jennifer, 25, a “small business owner” from Florida. “Ben and Jen is kind of too cute to forget,” she tells the Bachelor. (Tell that to this guy, honey.)

Jami, 23: This bartender is from Canada, and so naturally she knows Kaitlyn. “She told me you have a really, really, really big……….. heart,” teases Jami. Darn, I was so ready to like her, too. (You know, “ladies,” you don’t have to do everything Team Bachelor tells you to. As of this moment, they still can’t legally kill you if you refuse.)

Samantha the lawyer also falls victim to the cutesy opening-line set-up: “I have a really important question for you: Boxers or legal briefs?” Then she goes in for the high-five, which Ben generously reciprocates.

Jubilee emerges next, and it’s no surprise that Ben’s eyes light up, because damn she looks hawt. So hot that it doesn’t even matter that her “funny pick-up line” is actually a pick-up paragraph that isn’t funny at all.

Amanda the single mom comes next (“I can’t wait to talk to you more inside,” she says demurely), followed by a 25-year-old real estate agent named Lace. Yes, Lace. Is “real estate agent” what we’re calling “head stripper at Cheetah’s Gentlemen’s Club” now? Also, Lace. LACE. Let’s take a moment to predict a few other noun non-names that we’ll see on The Bachelor in the future: Bra. Mousse. Tape. Crystal Light. Anyway, Lace orders Ben to close his eyes and then plants a peck on his lips, thereby marking her territory. “I wanted the first kiss,” she giggles. And from the look on Ben’s face, we know that he knows that he should be afraid.

Also frightening? Lauren R., the 26-year-old math teacher from Houston who blithely informs Ben that she’s been stalking him (her words) over social media “for, like, the last two months.” Yes, Ben, she’s serious. And no, she’s not going to tell you her name. Maybe that’s for the best?

Things remain weird with our next contestant, a mathematician (!) from Salt Lake City named Shushanna. The 27-year-old informs Ben in Russian that they are “created for each other” and then floats off into the mansion without so much as a word in English. “I’m either getting tired or losing my mind,” murmurs our befuddled Bachelor.

At least the next contestant speaks in a language Ben can understand.

Good for you, Sparklebutt.

JoJo, 24, arrives in a unicorn mask, because… she’s Ben’s unicorn, or something. (Is that the same thing as Ross being Rachel’s lobster?) At least she acknowledges that this…

…was “probably super-frightening.”

Our third Lauren of the evening — Lauren H., 25, kindergarten teacher — hurls a bouquet at Ben, which he catches and gamely shoves into his lapel.

Laura, 24: This redhead from Kentucky needs no such gimmicks; her Emma Stone-esque beauty and vaguely suggestive nickname, “Red Velvet,” are enough to make sure she stands out in Ben’s mind.

Ms. Keep Portland Weird shows up with a giant rose on her head, which she uses to drop this unfortunate double entendre on Ben: “Maybe if things go well tonight, you can pollinate it later.” As Mary Cherry might say, shut your dirty whore mouth, lady! Ben’s not that kind of guy.

Inside the mansion, mean girl Lace is busy judging all the other “ladies” and making poor Flight Attendant Lauren feel insecure about her cleavage…

…but she’s about to get knocked down a peg or two by the two blonde twins. If you think Ben is flustered by their arrival (“That's… that’s uh… that’s good,” he stammers), the rest of the “ladies” are equally rattled.

Cowgirl Megan, 30, brings things back down to earth by strolling up the driveway with her miniature horse Huey in tow. “I hope he doesn’t pee on the carpet!” she giggles, leading the horse inside.

Nutritional therapist Breanne, 30, decides to make her impression on Ben by wasting perfectly good bread: “Gluten is satan,” she tells the Bachelor, before encouraging him to break the loaves on the edge of the stone planter. Hey! I’m sure Huey would’ve taken that gluten off your hands, lady. Rude.

Izzy, 24, shows up in one-piece pajamas — “I had to find out if you were the onesie for me” — while unemployed Rachel, 23, floats in on a hoverboard. “I’m on Cloud 9 — want to join me?” Jessica the accountant, 23, does the quick hug-and-leave, and — in the night’s biggest outrage — Tiara the “chicken enthusiast” shows up sans Sheila the chicken! For God’s sake, Team Bachelor — you had one job! And that one job was to find a seamstress who could tailor a tiny sequin-covered ballgown for Sheila so that she and Tiara could emerge from the limo in matching dresses. You have failed us all.

Next comes the fourth and final Lauren of the night (fortunately she goes by “LB”), followed by Jackie the gerontolgist who boldly hands Ben a save the date card for their future engagement bearing the soon-to-be-coopted-by-ABC hashtag, #ToHiggingsAndToHold. Last but not least (or last, for that matter) is Olivia, a 23-year-old news anchor from Austin who does not take offense when Ben asks if her dimple is “natural.”

But before Benny boy heads into the mansion to face his future, he takes a minute to call home first.

Just joshin’ — Ben tells his mom and dad that things “could not have gone better” and that the women are “stunning.” Inside, though, Ben’s still in the middle of giving the requisite “I truly believe my wife is in this room” speech when the jockeying for his attention begins. “I’m going to steal you,” announces Mandi the Rose-Headed Weirdo, leading the stunned Bachelor out of the room. He’s too polite to stop her, which is why he soon finds himself in this regrettable position:

Also regrettable: Olivia left her full-time job as a news anchor to be on The Bachelor, which of course she tells Ben, so that he’ll feel compelled to keep her around at least a few weeks. Nothing of note happens for the next several minutes, until…

Chris Harrison asks Amber and Becca what we’re all thinking: “Why do you guys want to do this?” While I’m sure there are several answers to that question — boredom, loneliness, a deep-seated fear that they only truly exist in the reflection of Team Bachelor’s lights and cameras — both Amber and Becca say the same thing: Ben is worth another round of televised embarrassment.

Of course the other “ladies” are not pleased by these new arrivals; even the twins stop smiling for once. Ben, meanwhile, is gobsmacked.

It seems to be a welcome surprise, though; within minutes Ben and Becca (awww, that’s kind of cute, right?) are engrossed in conversation, his hand grasping hers — or, as a very drunk Lace puts it, “Oh, they’re gettin’ touchy!” As soon as she has the chance, Lace pulls Ben aside and starts “gettin’ touchy” herself, draping her hand on his leg and asking for a “better kiss.” Ben, bless his heart, talks his way out of it in the most gallant way possible: “Going into this, um, my goal was, like, to really get to know everybody,” he says. “It’s so easy to get sucked up in the physical part of the night… that you forget to, like, actually take time and talk.”

Somehow, though, Lace interprets Ben’s speech as “Sure, let’s make out,” so she’s extremely pissed when Mandi from Portland comes to steal the Bachelor away. “That bitch,” she mutters to herself. She continues to vent (“I’m gonna punch someone in the face”) until Ben himself tracks Lace down and pulls her outside to talk her off the emotional ledge. “You are absolutely gorgeous, but I want to take the time to, like, get to sit down and know you,” he assures her, adding that he didn’t want her worrying that she “really messed up.” And she LOVES it.

Of course this is the perfect time for Chris Harrison to arrive with the First Impression Rose. Many “ladies” will freak out over it, but only one will claim it, and that woman is… Olivia the News Anchor! Ben just can’t get over the fact that she ditched her job for a 1-in-25 chance at winning his heart. “I’m deserving,” Olivia tells us, adding that she’s “humble” about it as well. (If she looked at the statistics, she probably wouldn’t be so happy about taking the FIR prize.)

Clink clink clink! Chris Harrison and his Butterknife of Bad News arrives on cue, so Ben does a reprise of the “I truly believe my wife could be in this room” song and dance and lets Harrison usher him to the Rose Chamber. But the cameras stay behind, all the better to capture the latest complaint from The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation With at a Party.

Toots, he can’t make eye contact with 28 women in a 37-second period. GET IT TOGETHER. Oh, I forgot — your name is Lace. Carry on.

Let the rose-giving commence! Robot roll call: Lauren B., LB, Caila, Amber, Jami, Jennifer, Jubilee, Amanda, JoJo, Leah, Rachel, Samantha, Jackie, Haley, Emily (package deal!), Shushanna…

…Lauren H., Becca, and Mandi. As for the all-important Final Rose Tonight? It goes to Lace, who has spent the whole rose ceremony stewing in Chardonnay and bile, getting angrier and angrier with each name read.

And so we say goodbye to Breanne, Izzy, Laura, Lauren R., Maegan, Tiara the chicken enthusiast, and this lady:

Fare thee well, “ladies.” The remaining contestants raise their glasses in a group toast, but just when we expect to hear Chris Harrison’s velvet tones announcing, “This season, on The Bachelor…,” instead we Lace and her nasal whine approach Ben: “Can I be annoying and talk to you for one second?” (Well, I think we know the answer to the first part of that question is a definite yes.)

Indeed, Lace has pulled Ben aside to chide him for not making eye contact with her immediately before and during the rose ceremony. “If you want me to go home, I’d rather just go home,” she mumble-whines at Ben, who is legitimately confused about what’s happening: “I want to be clear — the issue was that I didn’t make eye contact with you?”

Yahoo TV PSA: If you and your date are experiencing any “issue” fewer than 20 minutes into your relationship, it’s time to walk away.

Instead, Ben once again puts his FBI-level bomb squad skills to work and once again diffuses what could have been a very destructive emotional explosion. But yeah, deep down, he knows he should have sent Lace packing.

Before we wrap things up, let’s review a few interesting tidbits from the “This season on The Bachelor” montage: Olivia, JoJo, and Caila are both seen professing their love; Caila is either wearing a bathing suit inside or about to get totally nekkid with Ben…

…Lace allegedly gives Leah a shiner somehow…

And God, if you’re listening, please please please make this be the two-on-one date:

And we’ve made it through week one, rose lovers — how do you feel? Let me know your favorite/least favorite “ladies” in the comments, and be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s behind-the-scenes blog, too. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go write a pilot script for a buddy-cop comedy called Harrison & Little Horse.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.