'The Bachelor' Episode 2 Recap: Yeah, Science!

Isn’t the day after the first rose ceremony a glorious time? The sun is shining, the mimosas are flowing, the bunk bed sheets are still freshly-washed… Life is good. (Except, you know, if you don’t like hearing the English language mangled with phrases like “Ben is the greatest Bachelor on the planet of history” and “If you had a list, he checks off every single list.”)

Date caaaaard! And good news: Lace has rejoined the land of the not-insanely-drunk:

“The first night I got a little too drunk, a little too emotional,” admits everyone’s favorite person named Lace. “That wasn’t me — let’s start over.” And she’ll get a chance, on the season’s first group date, along with Jackie, LB, one of the Laurens, Becca, Amber, Mandi, JoJo, Jubilee, and Jennifer. Pile into the limos, “ladies,” it’s time to head to Bachelor High! After greeting the women outside a local school, Ben explains that “high school is where I have some of my fondest memories,” like “my first kiss, high school athletics.”

We interrupt this recap for this week’s installment of WTAF IS GOING ON WITH BEN HIGGI’S HAIR?

Inside, Chris Harrison is on the PA all decked out like Eugene from Grease. He explains to the terrified women that today’s date will consist of an educational battle royale, with teams of two performing tasks in different classes: “At the end of the day, the winner will be Ben’s homecoming queen.”

Related: Chris Harrison Blogs ‘The Bachelor’ Episode 2

Class No. 1 is science, where the teams must “make Ben’s volcano explode.” I will admit I did an actual slow clap in my living room upon hearing that instruction. Kudos, Team Bachelor.

Of course, this is a “journey” to find “love,” so all of the ingredients in the science experiment are labeled things like “trust” and “appreciation” and “putting up with your annoying best friend.” One by one, the teams hit the eruption jackpot…

…until the last remaining duo, Lace and Jubilee, are eliminated. Up next is a challenged centered around a very important life skill: the girl-on-girl apple transfer.

In a not at all surprising twist, the “ladies” are much better at bobbing for apples than they are placing Indiana on a map of the United States. While most of the women manage to place their Indiana magnet in the approximate general vicinity of where the state is located, Becca and JoJo seem to suffer a joint stroke of some kind:

To be fair, that’s probably how the state of Indiana will look once it realizes that it’s part of a nation of idiots and commits suicide. After a free-throw contest in the gym, it’s time for the final two — Amber and Mandi — to face off on the track. Even though she has to take off her strappy sandals and run barefoot, Mandi locates her inner Zola Budd and straight-up leaves Amber in the dust.

Her prize? A drive around the track with Ben in a convertible, as the other women shoot daggers at them from the sidelines.

Shake it off, “ladies,” and put your game face for cocktails. Becca takes the early lead, pulling Ben aside for a one-on-one chat on the basketball court adjacent to the rooftop bar. (Is it in Ben’s contract that every date location must have a basketball court?) She sinks a freethrow, and he LOVES it — and pretty soon the Bachelor and Becca are getting “touchy” again. But not as touchy as Ben gets with Jennifer.

Yes, Ben — who talked a big game about not letting things get to “physical” — has waited one whole day before lunging at someone with his tongue. Lace, who previously informed us that she wants to “make sure that Ben doesn’t think I’m some crazy girl,” looks less likely to keep that resolution once she learns of Jennifer and Ben’s smooch.

Put a pin in that death glare for a moment, Lace, so we can check in on the “ladies” back at Casa Bachelor. It’s date card time, and Olivia could absolutely NOT be happier.

Wait, is that a happy face or is a Japanese demon hag about to burst from her esophagus? Never mind. Anyhow, suffice it to say that Olivia’s hysteria rictus turns to a good ol’ fashion scowl once the date card arrives and has the AUDACITY to be made out to Caila instead.

Better luck next time, toots.

Back at the group date, a determined Lace marches off to find the Bachelor, and promptly apologizes for coming across as “negative, or whatever.” Ben acknowledges that he felt “attacked” but of course he forgives Lace for her first-night, liquor-fueled jitter-crazies. While you and I hear a polite “apology accepted,” however, Lace hears something quite different.

Before they can consummate their ocular relationship, though, Jubilee shows up. She tells him about her challenging upbringing — born in Haiti, raised in an orphanage until she was adopted at the age of 6 — and Ben takes it all in with what can only be described as unflappable earnestness. “What I’m hearing about you is that you continue to overcome big things,” he replies. And to reward Jubilee for “opening up” to him, Ben plants one on her.

Oh hey look, everybody — Lace is back! “I feel like we keep getting cut off,” she whines to Ben. When she finally returns to the group, the “ladies” have an open and honest conversation with Lace about how her actions made them feel.

Fortunately Ben arrives to break the tension, and he whisks JoJo up to the helipad roof for a romantic pep talk. "Your energy, your just, like, bubbliness, that side of you was something that I really enjoyed,“ he says. "It made me more and more attracted to you.” And she LOVES it. They smooch and cuddle until it’s time for Ben to hand out the date rose — which, of course, he gives to JoJo.

Morning arrives, and with it comes Ben, who shows up at Casa Bachelor to pick up Caila for their one-on-one date. But first, Harrison has a surprise for everyone.

Please welcome Ice Cube and Kevin Hart, who will serve as Ben and Caila’s chaperones — as well as human vehicles of product integration — as they Ride Along (2) with Ben and Caila on their date. The rest of the women assume the duo will be treated to a lavish “red carpet thing,” but Ice Cube and Kevin Hart’s lightly-scripted comedy agenda is far less extravagant: First a stop at a roadside liquor store, and then a visit to a run-down hot tub emporium, where we run into an old friend, Jillian’s black box.

Having fulfilled their contractual obligation, Kevin Hart and Ice Cube depart, secure in the knowledge that they’ve done everything humanly possible to entice women ages 18-34 to see Ride Along 2 with their boyfriends. Fare thee well, gentlemen.

At dinner, Caila tells Ben she’s a “dreamer”; Ben tells Caila that most women he’s dated have “flaked” on loving him back. Ben tells Team Bachelor that Caila “has depth” and seems like she could be a “really good wife.” Caila gets the rose, and a private concert from a scruffy singer-songwriter named Amos Lee.

Our second group date of the week features Emily, Shushanna, Sam, Olivia, Haley, and Amanda. Ben lures them to the ominously-named American Cement Building, where an iPad human named “Doctor Love” tells the women he and his team are going to “measure you in a series of experiments.” Wait, is this a group date or Hostel: Part IV?

Upon further investigation it becomes clear that in fact this is just a harmless exercise in biometrics — like retinal tracking exercises to see which picture the “ladies” look at first, Ben or Sean Lowe?

That settles that. When it comes time for Ben to put on a blindfold and inhale each woman’s sweaty pheromones after they jog on a treadmill, we learn something very interesting: Shushanna actually does speak English!

Also interesting? According to women, all of the women smell “flowery,” “beachy” or “sweet” — except for poor Sam, who he dubs “a little more sour.”

Finally we come to the “is your body creating chemicals that tell us you’re a long-term match” study, which is also known in scientific circles as total bullshit. It’s essentially an excuse for Team Bachelor to make the “ladies” watch thermal-energy images of Ben reclining shirtless on a bed with someone else.

Naturally, this makes many of the women nervous, but Olivia maintains that she’s “incredibly confident” in her “relationship” with Ben. After all, she passed the sniff test: “Odor is good between us!”

When the “results” are in, Dr. Love announces that poor Sour Sam has received the lowest “score” — 2.42 out of 10 — while the woman with the highest score, 7.45, is Olivia. (Methinks Dr. Love is grading on a Team Bachelor curve, but whatever.) Congrats on your meaningless victory, Olivia! Though Ben does give her the first one-on-one time when they head back to his “Bachelor pad,” and she gets the first “magical” kiss of the night as well.

Of course Olivia lords this over the other “ladies” when she returns to the group, hinting that Ben took her special and then demurring, “I don’t want to talk about it.” She also makes a point of musing aloud, “If Ben is a big believer in science, I’d be a little concerned.” (She neglected to put air quotes around “science,” but trust me, they were there.)

Feeling the pressure, Amanda decides that it’s time to tell the Bachelor about her two daughters. Ben, to his credit, takes the news well. “Kids don’t scare me,” he tells the mom of two. Still, in a very UGH turn of events, it’s Olivia who gets the rose. “Olivia Higgins,” she crows to Team Bachelor. “It’s mine. Come on, let’s just end the show now.”

Not yet, toots — we’ve still got to get through the “survival of the fittest” cocktail party and rose ceremony. As always, the most anxious women are the ones who didn’t get a date this week, like Leah. “I thought you forgot about me,” she pouts to the Bachelor during their one-on-one time. (He may not have, honey, but I sure did.) But before anyone else can get face time with the Bachelor, Olivia accosts him for another makeout session. The other “ladies” are not pleased.

Testify, girlfriend.

Selfish or not, Olivia’s actions have their intended effect: They make the other women feel even more desperate, and in Lace’s case, that results in even more crazy. Her strategy for convincing Ben that she is not a psychotic nightmare consists of repeatedly telling him she’s not crazy, while also interrupting him constantly. It’s all very she-doth-protest-too-much — except for the part where Lace tells him she used to look like Roseanne Roseannadanna. That was just sad.

Fortunately one of the Laurens shows up to put Ben out of his misery, but Lace’s misery is just beginning. “The Lace I promised myself that I would not be came out,” she weeps in the third-person. “Oh my God, I feel so stupid.” Here’s hoping she doesn’t find out that Ben asked Team Bachelor to print out a photo of his first chat with Lauren B. (not to be confused with “LB”), because that might send her over the edge.

It’s a very sweet gesture, but I have to say, Lauren B. doesn’t seem all that appreciative when Ben presents her with the photo. Like, beyotch, say thank you! Instead she tells the Bachelor that even if she goes home tonight, she wouldn’t change a thing because she “learned a lot” about herself and made lots of good “friends.” Ben is understandably a bit perplexed. “I don’t know how to make you feel, like, really special,” he mumbles. “I was thinking about you a lot.”

Lauren H., on the other hand, is thrilled with Ben’s gift for her: A blue ribbon for the “largest explosion” at the science fair.

And the largesse doesn’t end there! Ben next pulls Amanda aside and says he wants to do something nice for her daughters — like making some rose-adorned barrettes for them. Amanda is moved to tears by his thoughtful idea, and guys, I’m gonna admit I got a little verklempt, too. Ben may be earnest to a fault, but damn if he isn’t a nice guy. They bust out a hot glue gun and get to work.

Success!

The rose ceremony — or as Ben calls it, “the part that I don’t love” — is finally here. Robot roll call: Amanda, Jubilee, Lauren B., Leah, Becca, Rachel (who??), Lace (HUH???), LB… hold up, LB has something she needs to say to Ben.

Dammit! She was the only Lauren we were allowed to call something other than “Lauren”! Anyhow, the next rose goes to Jennifer, who I’m sure is wondering, Wait, was I going to get cut or was he always planning to keep me around? Next up: Emily, Jamie, Lauren H., Shushanna, Haley (wonder twin powers, still activated!), and… Amber (even though she didn’t speak with Ben all week). That means Mandi, Jackie and Sam have to hit the road back to Lonelytown.

So, rose lovers, what do you think? Did Ben make the right decisions tonight? (Except for the Lace part — we all know that was a big ol’ mistake.) Other burning questions: What is up with Olivia’s facial expressions? Why does Jubilee lose it next week? And are my ears deceiving me or did Ben actually just make Kevin Hart laugh?

Post your thoughts below, and be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s behind-the-scenes blog, too. And if you haven’t seen Ben doing his best Peter Brady impression, watch the video below. You won’t regret it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go report “Dr. Love” to the AMA.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC. Bachelor Live airs Mondays at 10 p.m. on ABC.