'The Bachelor' Ep 7 Recap: 'Just Don't Blindside Me'

Warning: This recap of The Bachelor episode 7 contains spoilers.

Happy day after Valentine’s Day and/or President’s Day, rose lovers! And welcome to America. Specifically, Warsaw, Indiana.

It’s so picturesque and small-town beautiful I just want to pack my bags and… Oh, wait.

In other alarming news, does Ben have a SOUL PATCH?

Maybe it’s just an unfortunate shadow? Yeah, let’s go with that. “It feels so good to be back home,” gushes Ben. “This is where I had my first job, where I had my first kiss.” And it’s where his parents are waiting at a local diner with barely-contained glee to welcome their darling boy back into the fold. The Bachelor proceeds to give his parents the rundown on the “ladies.”

Becca: Great, except when she’s being stand-offish on a pig date.

JoJo: Beautiful, makes Ben feel like he can be himself.

Emily: Twin, may or may not be a full-fledged human being on her own.

Lauren: She “stands out,” but like Becca, Laura was also cranky once.

Caila: Beautiful, may be an ice princess.

Amanda: “Shockingly” beautiful and “incredible.”

And with that, he’s off to collect his harem in a pontoon boat. Immediately, all of the women start gushing to Ben about how much the love Warsaw and how “family oriented” it is. “If Ben were to pick me I’d come to Indiana and just make babies and start a family right away,” says Emily. “This place is too cute.”

Related: Chris Harrison Blogs ‘The Bachelor’ Episode 7

After bringing the women to a cute little airbnb on the lake, Ben announces that the first one-on-one date starts in thirty minutes. Lauren, go put your face on! The other “ladies” are predictably bummed to see frontrunner Lauren get even MORE alone time with Ben.

Anyhow, you know when your boyfriend takes you to his hometown for the first time and he’s all eager to show you around his old haunts, and you have to pretend you find everything really exciting even though if you’ve seen one high school/shopping mall/local diner you’ve kind of seen them all? Yep, that’s Lauren’s date.

After driving around a bit they head over to Baker Youth Club, a community center dedicated to giving kids “an educated, healthy, and social identity based on Christian values.” BYC was Ben’s home away from home, and he can’t wait to see some of his former coworkers and mentors. Pretty soon both Ben and Lauren are deep in play mode with the local kids, and after a round of jump rope, a group of little girls gives Lauren their seal of approval: “She’s really, really nice,” says one. “Really, really, really, really, really nice,” adds another.

Ben wins the rest of the kids over by inviting some basketball players to come by. I’m not going to pretend to know who they are, but Lauren — a self-proclaimed “big basketball fan” — declares herself “starstruck.” Then Ben comforts a little boy who is crying, and Lauren’s ovaries all but explode. “I have never seen anyone interact with kids like that,” she marvels. “I mean, he is going to make an AMAZING dad.”

That night, Ben takes Lauren to his temporary abode. After she takes a few shots of liquid courage from an enormous wine glass, Lauren works up to courage to reapproach the “You’re different in the house than you are with me” discussion. Though Ben knows now that Leah was full of shit (doesn’t he?), he admits he was thrown by her comments. “I don’t want to be blindsided,” he tells Lauren, who reiterates that she’s totally herself around him and that the idea of losing him over something so silly made her feel physically ill. After spending a day watching her jump rope with local kids, though, Ben is feeling 100 percent reassured: “I do trust you,” he tells Lauren. So… we’re all set then? Great. Time to drink!

Okay JoJo, you’re up! The “ladies” send her off with hugs and feigned enthusiasm — they really do seem to be trying, though — and JoJo climbs into a black SUV for the long drive to Chicago (2 hours, 13 minutes per Google). Naturally, their first stop is Wrigley Field, where the jumbotron operator orders them inside for a day of spontaneous fun.

Once inside, JoJo willingly dons a “Mrs. Higgins” jersey — though frankly she should be offended that they didn’t offer her one bearing her actual name, Ms. Fletcher — and engages in a squealy, screechy, girly game of baseball.

Meanwhile, back at the cottage, the “ladies” are sitting around discussing how much it sucks not to be on the one-on-one date. But really, I just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge Emily’s t-shirt.

Wow.

Night falls, and Ben and JoJo are still at Wrigley Field, but now they’re having a romantic dinner for two in center field. But Ben isn’t about to get swept up in the moment; he’s on a fact-finding mission. “You’ve been super nervous about things!” [JoJo groans] “But I feel, every time I’m with you, things are really good. So, like, what’s going on?” Ben goes on to tell JoJo that when she pulls away, it makes him question “to what extent your feelings are there.” JoJo explains that her hesitance comes from having given “150 percent” in previous relationships and getting hurt. Still, she adds, “I can confidently say that I care for you more than anything.”

And he LOVES it. “Tonight, she’s allowed me to see the real JoJo,” declares Ben. Then they smooch next to a heart-shaped patch of dirt on the pitcher’s mound.

Group date!! Doesn’t everyone look excited?

Caila, Amanda, and Becca arrive at Marian Hills Farm where they half-heartedly engage in some rustic activities (row-boating, kite flying) before settling down for wine and cheese inside a barn. There’s a rose on the table, but not just any rose. “It’s the biggest rose so far,” announces Ben unnecessarily. “This rose will represent me coming back to… meet the families.” But wait, there’s more! “The date is two parts,” Ben continues. “Whoever gets the rose today will get to spend the rest of the day hanging out.” For God’s sake, couldn’t Team Bachelor have flown Chris Harrison in to explain this earlier? It’s beyond awkward and cruel to make Ben deliver the news to the women directly.

One by one, Amanda, Becca, and Caila sit down with Ben for the pre-hometown audition. Becca admits to Ben that she’s been “frustrated” by the lack of validation from him: “I just like you so much, it freaks me out… It’s scary to not have the same words said back.” Perhaps she sees the writing on the wall, because Becca makes one final, whispered plea to the Bachelor:

Caila, meanwhile, feels anxious that she doesn’t have the hometown “roots” that Ben does in Warsaw — primarily because she moved “about 17 times” before college. (Yikes! That’s gotta be rough.) That said, she’s just moss waiting for the right tree (a.k.a. “husband”) to grown on: “Whichever direction he wants to grow, like, I’m okay with that.” So, in other words:

And the “winner” is… Amanda! For Becca, this is the indignity that broke the camel’s back, and her reserved façade finally cracks.

Girl, you might not be upset if you found out what Amanda and Ben are doing for their “special” one-on-one date:

That’s right, it’s an exciting evening of product placement! Things get even more romantic when Amanda and Ben step behind the counter and start working the drive-thru.

The date concludes with a good old-fashioned small-town carnival, complete with rides, games, cotton candy, and hundreds of screaming locals wielding camera phones.

“I seriously feel like the luckiest girl in the world right now,” sighs Amanda, as she nuzzles against Ben in the Ferris Wheel. You are, honey — until it’s time for Emily’s one-on-one date tomorrow.

Speaking of which, Ben and Emily are out on the lake bright and early, talkin’ about swans and drinking mulled cider, or something. Emily’s already figured out that Ben is taking her to meet his mom and dad — and the “ladies,” who have guessed that as well, are back home seething with jealousy. “Emily is a bright-eyed puppy; everything is new and exciting,” sniffs Caila. “She’s got so much to learn still.”

Maybe so, toots, but she’s going to be learning it in Ben’s childhood home, with the help of his parents, Amy and Dave. “I just really need to rely on my conversation skills today,” notes Emily anxiously. “I just need to be myself.” And what does that mean, exactly? It means Emily talks Mom’s ear off about her lifelong dream of being an NFL cheerleader (!), and about how she’ll be an “above-average” wife and mother even though she’s “average” at everything else.

“She’s definitely a really… fun individual,” says Mom later. “But I think she is a little young for Ben right now.” Dad comes to the same conclusion after listening to Emily prattle on about how she wishes she could stay home and watch movies all day long. Also, she hates vegetables.

Mom gently and tearfully suggests to Ben that Emily probably can’t be a good spouse until she’s fully comfortable being a grown woman — and that time has not yet come. I think you know what that means, rose lovers: Ben’s going to dump her… in full view of the other “ladies.”

Of course, our Bachelor lets Emily down as humanely as possible. “The woman that I’ve seen the last three weeks is incredible,” he says. “I hope that our relationship was good for you, because it was really good for me.” Even though she’s young, Emily handles it like a champ, and when she recounts what just happened to the assembled “ladies,” they all have a good cry.

Anyhow, honey, you stay strong. And maybe start working on your tan — you and Haley will need it in Paradise.

That night at the rose ceremony, Team Bachelor doesn’t even bother with a cocktail party — it’s straight to the reaping. But Ben isn’t ready.

“I thought it was going to be clear,” he laments, as the women wait, shivering, nearby. “I have no clue what I’m going to do.” Harrison, wise as always, gives some excellent advice: “Figure out which one you don’t want to marry, and send her home.” (Okay, I’m paraphrasing, but you get the idea.)

And so we come to the robot roll call: Lauren, JoJo, and Caila will join Amanda on the Hometown Dates train, which means Becca is once again going home without a ring.

This ain’t Becca’s first rodeo, so she’s not going quietly. “Why did you do that?” she asks bluntly. “I asked you one thing… I said, ‘Please don’t blindside me.’” Ben insists that he didn’t know which decision he was going to make until mere “seconds” before the rose ceremony, when he realized it wasn’t fair to involve her family in this hot mess of a “process.” They share a tepid hug, and then Becca climbs into the Reject Limo. “Why would I keep putting myself in this position?” she wonders tearfully. EXCELLENT QUESTION, HONEY. Remember this moment next time you’re tempted to sign another Team Bachelor contract.

And that’s all she wrote, rose lovers! Next week is hometowns, where it looks like Amanda’s kids insist on being normal children even when the cameras are rolling, and JoJo’s brothers may or may not chew Ben out for “brainwashing” their sister. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves — what did you think of this week’s episode? Clearly Ben made the right decision with Emily, but do you feel the same way about Becca? And is there anything more horrifying than having a grasshopper caught in your hair? Post your thoughts now, and be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s behind-the-scenes blog, too. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to turn Emily’s “The bees are in my heaaad” wail into my ringtone.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.