'Scream Queens’’ Recap: Dead Man's Potty

Warning: This recap for the “Ghost Stories” episode of Scream Queens contains spoilers.

What is your favorite type of ghost: Poltergeists? Moaning phantasms? Ghosts that slime? Floating orbs? Dead grandmas? Holy ghosts? Paranormal metaphors for indelible yet quietly eroding memories? A Jonas brother in a fake beard? When it comes to ghosts there are almost as many subspecies as there are cats in your Aunt Kathleen’s condo. TOO MANY. (Let’s not even get into ghost cats.)

Because Scream Queens is nothing if not a college course in horror tropes (perhaps taught by a drug-abusing T.A. with a degree from an unaccredited overseas college), this week we were treated to a gaggle of random ghost stories! Yes, a majority of these ghost stories were set in bathrooms, but the sooner we as a nation recognize the preponderance of toilet hauntings, the sooner we can finally deal with this important issue and get all these pesky bathroom ghosts BUSTED. But if we are being real, “Ghost Stories” did not actually contain actual ghosts, just a bunch of revenge-seeking sociopaths continuing to terrorize the co-eds of Wallace University. On the plus side, this episode DID have a body count. We should talk about it now.

It was a dark and misty night and a certain shut-down college was not looking very shut-down! For example, there was a Jonas brother roaming around trying to drink a smoothie through a rapidly ungluing beard while passerby accused him of being Joaquin Phoenix.

Until suddenly Chanel No. 3 recognized him as Boone! Aaaaand immediately decided that he was a ghost. Which he then claimed to be. That was our first clue that this episode would be, uh, not very grounded.

Back at the Kappa house, Chanel presented her new Thanksgiving-themed Sacagawea outfit, which became an issue when one of the girls pointed out that Sacagawea had not been involved with the first Thanksgiving. (Chanel: "I’m the hag who didn’t realize she was the third wheel on Lewis & Clark’s gay camping extravaganza?!“) But the main thing was, she was stoked to be going home with Chad for Thanksgiving, which in her mind almost certainly guaranteed an engagement ring by Christmas. Excitement (over marrying into additional wealth) was in the air!

Because the girls were so rattled by Chanel No. 3′s encounter with the ghost of Dead Gay Boone, Denise Hemphill tried to assuage their terror with some good old-fashioned ghost stories. (Don’t worry, the characters openly pointed out how little sense this made.) And now we know that Denise Hemphill has a special fondness for Japanese ghost stories in particular, especially ones involving toilet ghosts.

This creature will “snatch you by the vagina” and drown your crushed body in sewage, just FYI.

Or there’s also the tale of the killer who will either slash your throat or choke you to death, depending on which color toilet paper you choose. (Great story, Denise.)

A little later, Boone began openly walking around and confirming that, yes, he was a ghost to anybody he encountered. Obviously Chad Radwell immediately believed him, and didn’t even bat an eyelash at the fact that Boone was suddenly heterosexual and lusting after Zayday. (Except, uh, hey remember when Boone used to pop boners when he cuddled with Chad? Actually, strike that, I feel like even straight guys would do that. It’s Chad Radwell!)

I did NOT appreciate this scene when Denise Hemphill attempted to use the toilet only to come under attack from the Red Devil. If anything, this was a masterful example of just how scary it can be to see a character you’re invested in face danger. There’s no one funnier on this show, or possibly in all of primetime television, than Denise Hemphill, so I was NOT okay with seeing her get roughed up in a bathroom stall. But at least she was able to keep her hair out of the toilet AND flee to safety. Phew!

After locking herself in the master suite with the girls, Denise demanded that someone calm her nerves with another ghost story (again, this show makes no sense sometimes. Well, most of the time), so Hester told them the tale of the girl terrorized by high beams. We all knew where this one goes: The killer was actually IN THE CAR. If we’re being real, this entire sequence only existed so that a later scene involving Chanel No. 5 could mirror it completely. You know how when you were writing your third novel and you were past the deadline, so there’s an entire chapter that goes “typing typing typing typing” over and over for twelve pages? That’s what these two scenes basically were. Gotta fill up these minutes somehow!

Then Boone snuck into Zayday’s room and declared his love for her despite her hat. She obviously was not buying the story that he was a ghost, and his fraud was only confirmed when Grace entered and they both attempted to make a citizens’ arrest. Unfortunately they PUSHED HIM OUT THE WINDOW.

These ladies are not great at stuff. But don’t worry, Boone was fine and suddenly in costume and murdering side characters.

That’s how Zayday’s boyfriend Earl Gray came to an unfortunate conclusion. His death probably would have had more impact if he’d spoken more than thrice all season, but oh well. At least he got to see THIS before he died:

That’s honestly just a nice gesture on Boone’s part. There’s nothing worse than dying without closure, you know? Ask any ghost. (If it has a mouth.)

Probably the episode’s most truly wonderful scene was when Hester confronted Chad (as he vacuum-bagged clothes for his Thanksgiving travels) as to why he was taking Chanel home to his family and not her. But it devolved into a meaningless, hilariously prolonged standoff during which she cryptically threatened him with things like “you’ll see” and he correctly used the word “inexorably” with regard to yeah, he WILL see. She even blew him a kiss, which he caught and threw in the trash. The whole thing was an Emmy clip, basically, and it was funnier than anything Lea Michele did during her entire run on Glee and that’s the truth.

But Hester’s tactic was to spread the rumor that she was PREGNANT with Chad’s baby. Obviously Chanel was livid, and even more so when he decided that he’d have to dump Chanel and marry Hester. But her sadness was short-lived, as it quickly curdled into rage-fueled vengeance. Chanel now had murder on her mind and not even Chad’s promises to keep Chanel as a side-piece could calm her down.

Meanwhile Dean Munsch swung by the house for a quick bit of info.

After personally threatening to get fired the incompetent detectives on this case (who brought in both a sketch artist and a paranormal investigator to track down Boone’s ghost), she confirmed to Grace and Zayday what we already knew: The bathtub baby had had a twin sibling! But honestly who could possibly care about that when Grace and Zayday were walking around with those things on their heads. Like, what was even going ON anymore?

This episode marked our first ever meeting of all three killers! Obviously the two whose identity we already knew were dressed in plain clothes, while the third was still costumed for some reason. But Boone was looking to murder Gigi for being bad at Red Devilling… Until the third Red Devil took matters into his own hands:

Or should I say “HER” own hands? Because then Gigi referred to Boone as this killer’s brother. So was this Red Devil the other bathtub baby? Or was it all smoke and mirrors? Truly doesn’t matter! But rest in peace once again, Nick Jonas!

So then Chanel recruited No. 3 and No. 5 to help her deal with Hester. First they tricked Hester into eating sushi, unpasteurized cheese, and triple-strength champagne laced with tobacco, thus confirming that she was NOT pregnant after all. I loved when Hester tried to escape down the stairs and Chanel resorted to the big guns: Apologizing.

This brought Hester back up to the top of the stairs expecting a hug but she instead received a death tap!

(Bless this stuntwoman.)

Goodbye, Hester! And yes, as Chanel agreed, perhaps murdering Hester was “a bridge too far,” but at least it was one less candidate for Red Devil. Come to think of it, unless I’m mistaken, all of them have pretty much been ruled out, right? It’s someone the same age as Boone, possibly female, and so far Zayday, Grace, Chanel, Chanel No. 3, and Chanel No. 5 all check out in some way. Are there any students even left? Was the “brother” reference a misdirection? Guys, I feel like this is the first time I’m actively wondering who the third killer is. That’s progress!

“Ghost Stories” was certainly full of great lines and surprising bits of violence, but entire swathes of it made no real sense. Still trying to wrap my head around the calming nature of ghost stories, but oh well. We’re barreling toward the conclusion and still have a few holiday-themed episodes ahead of us. Let’s get excited!

What did YOU think of “Ghost Stories”?

Scream Queens airs Tuesdays at 9 p.m. on Fox