'American Idol': Judging the Judges, Week 10
Only four weeks left for the real stars of American Idol to pretend they care! Welcome back to Judging the Judges, our weekly power ranking* of Keith Urban, Jennifer Lopez, and Harry Connick Jr. during the final Idol-sponsored round of their ongoing quest to become the greatest self-promoter this world has ever seen.
*Unlike Harry’s systematic refusal to feel the rhythm of the night, the Judging the Judges points system is 100 percent arbitrary and subject to change.
KEITH URBAN
Not even the reigning JTJ champ can pretend all the time. Keith wins 400 Uh, Get Real, Ryan points for enthusiastically noping Seacrest’s crocodile tears re: this being Idol’s final season (and then kind of regretting it).
+200 for delivering his frankest talent assessment to date — “Ahhhhhh… ehhhhh…” — following an Aerosmith duet performed by two frightened teenagers.
+50 for assuring an about-to-be-eliminated Lee Jean that Keith, too, suffered from extreme nerves at 16 on a singing show, so there’s still plenty of hope.
+100 for unexpectedly connecting the billowing curtained where’d-she-go mystery in Martina McBride’s “A Broken Wing” to 2014’s Oscar-winning Best Picture Birdman. “What happened?”
JENNIFER LOPEZ
AUTOMATIC 200-POINT DEDUCTION FOR MENTIONING “GOOSIES,” this time after telling young cowboy Trent Harmon, “I love when you scream at me like that.”
-100 inconsistency points for suggesting the about-to-be-eliminated Avalon Young venture outside her comfort zone even though she and the judges gave her the exact opposite advice all season.
+25 self-awareness points for calling out La Porsha Renae as one of her own kind — a “FULL DIVA” — while simultaneously making sure everyone was still looking at her own #IdolDuet. Also, what exactly was this outfit? Overalls or a dress? Is she a sex worker or a baby? Do we really want to know? OK, she asked for it: -500 points for confusing costuming.
-50 for countering her middling criticism of Lee and Tristan with a worthless consolation prize: “Do I love you?” It’s a yes from Jen!
+10 for bravely attempting to piece together the lyrics to the Backstreet Boys’s “I Want It That Way” in the face of yet another imminent last-place finish in Yahoo TV’s Judging the Judges.
HARRY CONNICK JR.
+200 Butt Seriously, Jen points for fully cracking up after J. Lo called poor Lee Jean’s abysmal sing-for-your-life solo “just a bit shaky.”
+150 for providing this fun and thought-provoking deer-in-the-headlights moment by asking Dalton Rapattoni and MacKenzie Bourg what they think the lyrics to Backstreet Boys’s “I Want It That Way” actually mean. Trick question, suckers! Those lyrics are nonsensical!
-200 for taking the lyrical pop quiz theme so far later in the episode that he ended up stewing in his own evil-ness while stroking an invisible cat.
+20 for biting his tongue after Jennifer piped up, “I know it!” following Harry’s remark on how cool it is that “the younger generations” recognize “Eleanor Rigby.”
-50 for claiming La Porsha Renae’s solo finally made him understand the lyrics to the Beatles’s “Come Together.” No one in any generation believes that!
-47 for making this “Am I right?” move for the 47th time.
PRETTY YOUNG THING OF THE WEEK: ALLISON IRAHETA
The Season 8 standout (far right) gets 1000 pro points for backing up the contestants while invoking memories of Idol’s brighter, redder days.
SNAKE IN A SKIN SUIT OF THE WEEK: SCOTT BORCHETTA
New rule: The Big Machine CEO plummets -500 pimp points every time he dorks out about the Ford freaking Fusion.
FINAL TALLY FOR WEEK 10:
Allison Iraheta has finally won Idol (-ish)! 1000 points!
Keith Urban: 750
Harry Connick Jr.: 73
Jennifer Lopez: -315
Scott Borchetta: -500
Believe it or not, these are the best scores J. Lo and Harry have put up in weeks! Are the judges rounding a new corner on this littered road to nowhere? Who really wants to steer? Find out on American Idol, airing Thursdays at 8 p.m. on Fox.
