'American Idol': Judging the Judges, Week 7
It’s a tough job lending immeasurable star power to American Idol’s farewell season, but someone’s gotta do it before the whole thing goes down in flames on April 7. Welcome back to Judging the Judges, our weekly power ranking* of Keith Urban, Jennifer Lopez, and Harry Connick Jr. during the final Idol-sponsored round of their ongoing quest to become the greatest self-promoter this world has ever seen.
*Unlike J. Lo’s ability to treat any venue like her personal dance club, the Judging the Judges points system is 100 percent arbitrary and subject to change.
They’ll certainly need it, so let’s kick this off by granting all three judges 50 bonus points for staying awake during contestants’ performances…
…and REALLY earning those multi-million-dollar paychecks after Ryan Seacrest’s impromptu rap.
KEITH URBAN
-200 style points for copping J. Lo’s signature compliment as his own: “You look like a million bucks!”
+50 for maintaining composure after tongue-twisting the words “Idol alum.”
+300 for really feeling it during Trent Harmon and Jordin Sparks’s Bee Gees duet.
+8.5 for creating a quick Dancing With the Stars-esque score paddle for the butt-shaking Seacrest.
+10 for being willing (but not too willing) to throw his neck out again: “It was kind of doing this to me the whole time,” he complained after Shelbie Z. and Constantine Maroulis’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” duet.
JENNIFER LOPEZ
***AUTOMATIC -200 FOR MENTIONING ‘GOOSIES’***
0 nihilist points for subtly confirming one of any longtime Idol fan’s greatest fears (“Nothing really matters…”) during “Bohemian Rhapsody.”
-50 for stealing Adam Lasher’s camera time with her classic “You’re too old. Dead to me” gaze.
-1000 for making too-little too-late love eyes (twice!) at her Season 10 punching bag, returning All-Star Haley Reinhart.
+100 for seeing Harry’s self-indulgent discussion of his NFL team’s colors for what it really was: a perfectly good chance to voluminize her hair.
+150 for falling into a happy trance near the end of Wednesday's fairly dead episode.
-100 for just having to make it weird two seconds later, telling Dalton Rapattoni, “I wanna squeeze your little face and just… bluh!”
HARRY CONNICK JR.
+100 bad cop points for establishing Week 8’s new take-no-prisoners persona right away, refusing to lead on a singer he found “not particularly special.”
-50 for wielding the word “philosophically” in an American Idol context.
-100 for calling Jenn Blosil “quirky” for the 2016th time.
-150 for trying to “Boo those booers” after J. Lo claimed David Cook and C.J. Johnson’s Collective Soul duet just didn’t get her high enough. He pities the fools who question Ms. Lopez!
-25 for inadvertently making it sexual. It happens.
WEEK 7 GOLDEN GIRL: CHRIS DAUGHTRY
+100 for being both a friend…
…and pulling outrageous stunts in support of 15-year-old duet partner Lee Jean.
WEEK 7 DREAM QUEEN: HALEY REINHART
+200 for prioritizing wisely on a “Bennie and the Jets” duet: “Let’s make sure we know who’s Bennie-ing when.”
+50 for giving doomed duet partner Adam Lasher a sweet consolation love-nudge.
HONORABLE MENTION: BAND LEADER RICKY MINOR
+50 for gifting 17-year-old Olivia Rox a smooth moves lesson on the house.
HONORABLE MENTION: RYAN SEACREST
-15 for announcing “15 years old!” instead of someone’s real name.
+50 for initially refusing the spotlight (because think of the children…) before losing himself to dance in the aftermath of a hard-driving “Higher Ground” duet. “I thought I was auditioning for the J. Lo show in Vegas!”
+100 for gamely rapping R. Kelly’s “Ignition” once it was clear the band would not be leaving him alone.
FINAL TALLY FOR WEEK 7:
Haley Reinhart wins with 250 points! SWEET REVENGE!!!
Keith Urban: 218.5
Ryan Seacrest: 135
Chris Daughtry: 100
Ricky Minor: 50
Harry Connick Jr.: -225
Jennifer Lopez: -650
Can Keith out-soul-sister the others two weeks in a row? Find out on American Idol, airing Wednesdays and Thursdays at 8 p.m. on Fox.
