'American Idol': Judging the Judges, Week 5
It’s a tough job lending immeasurable star power to American Idol’s farewell season, but someone’s gotta do it. Welcome back to Judging the Judges, our weekly power ranking* of Keith Urban, Jennifer Lopez, and Harry Connick Jr. during the final Idol-sponsored round of their ongoing quest to become the greatest self-promoter this world has ever seen.
*Unlike J. Lo’s steady stream of fake tears, the Judging the Judges points system is 100 percent arbitrary and subject to change.
KEITH URBAN
50 authenticity points for keeping his “You don’t play guitar so I don’t like you” scowl the fiercest it’s ever been during Stephany Negrete’s “Set Fire to the Rain.” A cowboy’s gotta stay true to his tastes.
+30 for perking up long enough to flash the approval rating of a lifetime after MacKenzie Bourg’s original song, “Roses” — according to Keith, “the lost Ed Sheeran track.”
+100 for artfully evading the question of whether he’s “into” Michael Bolton wannabe Jordan Sasser.
-100 for Thursday’s least intelligible contestant fake-out from Keith: “I’m glad that moment you had was memorable for you, because in some cases, that’s where the journey is going to end,” he told a confused Shelbie Z. “In your case, you’re in the Top 24.”
JENNIFER LOPEZ
100 flair points for single-handedly raising Idol’s tear-ography standard, week after week after week.
+10 for illuminating Harry and all of us commoners with exclusive scoop from the upper crust.
+50 for schooling 15-year-old Lee Jean on the difference between cuteness and immaturity: “Telling the crowd to be quiet two times? No.”
+200 for perhaps her biggest power play of the series: “DO NOT TAKE OFF THOSE SHOES,” J. Lo barked at Stephany Negrette, whose main value as an Idol commodity is that she can acceptably walk in heels. “No, that’s right. Struggle back. Learn.”
+5 for some damn-near-poetic unintentional commentary on the fleetingness of fame following Malie Delgado’s surrender to bronchitis.
-123 for giving Dalton Rapattoni the green light to continue being this emo.
-50 for humblebragging about her exotic diet: Those mangos are “all I get for the whole day!”
HARRY CONNICK JR.
20 human points for teaching young Gianna Isabella how important it is for robots to practice feelings: “Do you know why we were holding hands? Because we were supporting each other in this emotional moment.”
-30 for revealing the real reason Manny Torres went through: “He’s a guy you wanna go see a ball game with or something.”
-10 for resorting to tired-out platitudes re: the hyper-produced Idol comeback of Season 14 reject Emily Brooke.
-5 for sealing new father Joshua Wicker’s dismal fate by calling out “something mournful and soulful” about him. (“Sad dad?!” think the teen-focused producers. “Off with his head!”)
-50 for Thursday’s second-most spectacular fake-out failure: “Sometimes I think about the crossroads we’re at,” he rhapsodized to C.J. Johnson. “The people going home. Thousands upon thousands that audition to make it to that chair — it’s quite an accomplishment. But that doesn’t negate the fact… that more than half of those people out there are going home. And you are going…. …..[KEITH NODS OFF]….. …to the top 24.”
-150 for Thursday’s most spectacular fake-out failure: “Here’s what’s not so good for you today. You live, like on a mountain somewhere, don’t you? But what really sucks for you is that with no televisions around where you live, it’s gonna be really, really hard for all the people in your community… to congratulate you for being in the Top 24 if they don’t have a TV!”
HONORABLE MENTION: RYAN SEACREST
The bite-sizes host gets 300 handle-me-without-care points for surviving not one…
not two…
but THREE hearty circus lifts from contestants and their loved ones!
FINAL TALLY FOR WEEK 5:
Seacrest wins with 300 points! Incredible! He’s not even a judge!
Jennifer Lopez: 192
Keith Urban: 80
Harry Connick Jr.: -200
Can J. Lo tastefully out-diva the others two weeks in a row? Find out on American Idol, airing Wednesdays and Thursdays at 8 p.m. on Fox.
