'American Idol': Judging the Judges, Week 3
Attempting to steer American Idol’s farewell season in a bold new direction is a brutal mission, but someone’s gotta attempt the impossible before the mothership goes down in a blaze of former glory come early April. Welcome back to Judging the Judges, our weekly power ranking* of Keith Urban, Jennifer Lopez, and Harry Connick Jr. during the final Idol-sponsored round of their ongoing quest to become the greatest not-so-obvious self-promoter America has ever seen.
*Unlike J. Lo’s steadfast commitment to matching her props to her outfit, the Judging the Judges points system is 100 percent arbitrary and subject to change.
Bad news: All three judges must be docked a whopping 500 points for sending aggressive growler Brian Dale Brown through to Hollywood despite ample evidence that the guy was a joke.
It’s true, y’all. Moving on:
KEITH URBAN
+300 for having his stunt double star in an unintentional yet surprisingly convincing plug for Fox’s X-Files reboot.
+100 for a rather seductive “Suddenly I’m interested” head-shift during Amelia Eisenhauer’s fiddle-driven Annie Lennox cover.
+50 for expertly wrangling a finger monkey during Harry’s birthday celebration.
And a giant XOXO (unfortunately worth 0 points) for leaning in for a bonus shoulder snuggle with his favorite monkey friend.
Overall, not a great week for two-time Judging the Judges winner Keith, but considering his competition, he should be in fine shape.
JENNIFER LOPEZ
-200 points for eyeing final auditioner Manny Torres up and down like he was a life-size Shades of Blue poster as soon as he started singing “This Love.”
+10 for openly admitting she envied Joy Dove’s huge singing voice (then merely threatening to steal it instead of actually doing so, Ursula the Sea Witch-style).
+100 for pen-pointing right on the nose that the disconnect in Stephany Negrette’s cover of “Who’s Loving You” might have been due to her thinking about every little note and run instead of just the words. Happens to Jenny all the time.
+400 for forcing flair-friendly TV extra Usen Isong to WERK for that golden ticket.
+0.5 for agreeing with nary an eye roll that some of the contestants were “a little hoarse.”
+60 for sneaking in an extra subtitled sumpin’ sumpin’ that contestant Bianca Espinal’s father would be crazy not to frame and hang above the mantle.
-50 for mourning the lack of future Idol seasons along with certain portions of her jacket despite clearly not giving a shit: “We used to say ‘Please come back next year’ but, you know, we don’t have that luxury anymore,” J. Lo winced after sending home thoroughly blind but not so talented contestant Mario Bonds.
-150 for desperately pleading to God for help in directing her crucial swing vote for undercooked 15-year-old egg farmer Lillian Glanton. (Late-breaking update: He doesn’t care.)
HARRY CONNICK JR.
50 points for breaking up the monotony with elaborate facial gymnastics after Keith called after contestant Jenna Renae that she’d forgotten her piano.
-100 for delivering his most overblown comparisons of the season with a straight face: “Sometimes you sound like Bon Jovi, sometimes you sound like Bono,” he told Kacye Haynes, who truly sounded like neither. “I loved your voice. YES.” (40 bonus points to J. Lo for the well-warranted side-eye.)
+1 for taking the initiative on the grueling grunt work required to keep a Kelly Clarkson obsessive running on his own fumes for years to come.
-10 for joking “It’s a no for me” after the judges unanimously raved about Jessica Cabral’s beautiful, thick, lush tone and tremendous talent with a capital T. All point-docking aside, the restraint Harry has shown in the field of golden ticket fakeouts this year is remarkable. It’s almost like he’s not even trying.
-200 for explaining to Jen that “Ring of Fire” was “actually about hemorrhoids.”
RYAN SEACREST
15 points for letting Tinkerbell, the proud canine of an overgrown Toddlers and Tiaras contestant, kiss him forever. “Finally, someone,” he mused. Awww.
And a hearty +1000 for all the greatest hits our intrepid host has taken over the years. THIS! is the essence of American Idol. (At this point we’ll take anything we can get.)
CLAY AIKEN
4 points for cattily exploding in the face of a delusional, cartwheeling hopeful: “This show gave me every opportunity in the world… You think that should go through? I ain’t got time for this.” Whoa. Too far, Clay. -2 points for lying.
FINAL TALLY:
Ryan Seacrest wins with 1015 points! Incredible! He’s not even a judge!
Clay Aiken: 2 (always a bridesmaid)
Keith Urban: -50 (passable)
Jennifer Lopez: -289.5 (used to have a little now she has a lot less)
Harry Connick Jr.: -759 (abominable)
Let us pray that the judges have nowhere to go but up during American Idol’s final Hollywood Week EVER, airing Wednesday and Thursday at 8 p.m. on Fox.
