Is there any bigger "Bachelor" or "Bachelorette" cliché than someone not being there for the "right reasons"?
Even the show makes fun of it with a hilariously awful rap video featuring Desiree, her suitors, and Soulja Boy (who should go into hiding immediately).
The phrase itself was uttered on last night's episode, oh, maybe 3,125,049 times. And that was outside of the ridiculous song. Just one time we'd like for a guy to say, "Yup, I'm here for all the wrong reasons. So what?" At least it would be a new and exciting development!
Otherwise, the episode pretty much goes as you'd expect: Desiree goes on dates, some guys start falling for her, others get jealous, and she sends a few home. So far, this "Bachelorette" is sticking to her script.
A Hollywood Romance
The first one-on-one date goes to Brooks of the awesome hair. We'd totally go on a date that just involved shampooing those lustrous locks.
Instead, Des gets a "fairytale date" — the two go to a bridal shop, where they try on gowns and tuxes. Then, dressed up like a bride and groom, they hit a cupcake truck (where Des is surrounded by adoring fans). And the afternoon is capped off with a sunset viewed from the venerable Hollywood sign. Des and Brooks share a kiss.
"This could be the first kiss of somebody I spend the rest of my life with," he says.
Later that evening, they dine on a purple-lit bridge that looks very similar to one where Kalon and Linzi had a date on last year's "Bachelor Pad" … hmmm. Whatever, it's romantic. Brooks, who seems like a guy without a care in the world, surprises us with an emotional confession about being estranged from his father. He gets pretty teary-eyed!
Des is touched and rewards him with a rose. Afterward, they dance and kiss to the sweet croonings of Andy Grammer.
"Can it get any better than this?" Des wonders. Brooks has definitely set the bar very, very high!
Bust a Rhyme
Now, time for the group date with guest Soulja Boy. Desiree tells the guys that they're making a rap video to a song called "Right Reasons," and instead of looking terrified, they actually seem excited. Oh, if they only knew. ABC released the final video last week, and it made us laugh, cry, and shake our darn heads.
After each man busts a rhyme, Soulja Boy chooses Brandon, Michael G., Ben, and James as featured performers. As they peruse the lyrics, they realize the song is about former "Bachelor" contestants! There's a verse for Jason Mesnick, one for Wes Hayden, another for Justin Rego, and a fourth for Kasey Kahl. Oh, the memories.
Watching the video get made is just as cringe-inducing as the final cut. Poor Brandon is basically wearing a thong and comes down with a little, uh, performance anxiety during his verse.
Finally, they finish making the video and head out for evening cocktails. This is when Ben starts becoming the most hated man in the house. He steals Des away almost immediately, which ruffles Mikey T.'s feathers. The two talk it out, and everything seems resolved after Ben compliments the other man's shoes (LOL). Various guys try to sweet-talk Des, but in the end, she still gives the rose to Ben. We have a front-runner on our hands!
Road to Romance
The second one-on-one this week goes to Bryden, the cutie Army soldier. They take a picturesque road trip up the coast to fly kites, eat fish tacos, and pick oranges from a grove.
In Ojai, they stop for dinner, where Bryden talks about the terrible car accident that led him to enlist. We're not sure if showing pictures of your mangled body is a good idea on a first date, but Des seems touched by the gesture. He talks a bit about making the most of every day, a philosophy she agrees with, so she gives him a rose.
After dinner, they hit the hot tub, where an awkward and nervous Bryden starts chattering about what an awesome day they had. "Shut up and just kiss her, already!" we shouted at the screen. Des must've heard us because she tells him, "Just kiss me already!" (That's our kind of girl.) With that, Bryden finally makes his move.
Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony
The cocktail party is an ingenious "Bachelor" invention: Get everyone nervous about elimination, ply them with alcohol, and see what happens!
Once again, Ben becomes the villain when he cuts Michael G.'s time with Des short. It was pretty inconsiderate, since Michael was in the middle of a heartfelt story about how he has Type I diabetes.
Ben doesn't care that he already has a rose; he wants more time with Des. This upsets Mikey T. again, and the two Mikes confront him outside. Ben doesn't really apologize, though he kind of tries to smooth things over by saying he didn't know he was interrupting (eye roll).
After he walks away, the guys go all catty, sniping about how he used his son the first night, that he's just there to pimp his bar, that he's not there for (all together now) the right reasons.
Time for the rose ceremony! The men who already have roses are Brooks, Ben, and Bryden. And the other men who get roses are: Brooks, Ben, Bryden, James, Kasey, Dan, Juan Pablo, Brad, Chris, Brian, Zak W., Drew, Mikey, Zack, Michael, and Brandon.
Left roseless: Will, Robert, and Nick M.
Will thinks he put himself too much in the friend zone, while the other two seem dazed and confused about why Des would eliminate them.
Inside, Desiree raises her glass with the remaining men. Can you guess what she toasts?
Check out Twitter reactions to the episode, then sound off in the comments below!
We all loved Tierra at first, and then she turned psychotic. I think this is where Ben is headed #bachelorette— Hallie Chugg (@hallieeanne) June 4, 2013
Watch the full episode:
"The Bachelorette" airs Mondays at 8 PM on ABC.