Poor Spencer. We were still reeling from last week's big reveal when the show opened with her dream about Toby strangling her.
Unfortunately, things didn't get much better for the prepster as she learned more about the Toby and Alison of yore and then went ahead and royally screwed Aria's relationship with Ezra. Oy.
Before we can put away the tissues, though, we have much to discuss …
The mind-boggling moments
Ali was pregnant at the time of her death? As Cece is telling the story to Emily, we get a flashback to Ali at the beach crying to Cece and telling her that she's two weeks late. She won't reveal the identity of her mysterious possible baby daddy, but she's convinced that if she tells him she's pregnant, he'll kill her.
Nate is dead but not gone. We thought we were done with that guy after the whole lighthouse incident, but now Emily's getting a package from his family in Chicago. The box contains letters she wrote to Ali way back when. Also in the box? A mysterious notebook, obviously! (Scroll down to see what it said.)
Toby actually hates all the girls. In a flashback to Alison visiting him in juvie to ask him if he was the one tormenting her with notes from A, he says he wishes it had been him. "I wish I knew who wrote those notes," he says. "I'd offer my services. You and your posse deserve worse." I repeat: poor Spencer.
A pink drink is just a pink drink. It is not code for something gay.
Spencer goes off on Ezra … and spills the beans about his kid. Aria had promised that she was headed his way to tell him the truth about his child with high school girlfriend Maggie, so Spencer wasn't surprised when she received a text from Aria saying the deed was done, they'd broken up, and would she please console her in the park. But the message was sent from the nefarious A, and Ezra was the one in the park. Boy, did Spence give him an earful for dumping him and why. Oops.
LMAO Spencer don't roll up on a man like that while he's writing his sonnets. #PLL— Kamie Crawford (@TheRealKamie) January 30, 2013
Ezra goes to school. Since this is the first of our "PLL" recaps, we should warn that whenever Ezra shows up, it's a mind-boggling moment, largely because he's so hot and it temporarily makes us lose our ability to keep the truth straight on this show. Sorry. Moving on.
Paige is a hussy! Hanna decides to tail Emily's GF after she overhears Paige on the phone with Caleb talking about the brain incident with Mona. Girl is up to something for sure, right? Yeah, she's up to going to bars and picking up chicks. Shame.
Spencer is gifted. The girl can cry and apply mascara at the same time. This should be an Olympic sport. Seems way harder than a bobsled run.
Mama Marin gives the best advice. "Can I make a suggestion? Stay out of it," she says to Hanna after picking her up from that mess at the bar. "And use the hot-oil treatment on your hair." Love.
Spencer is over it … and hires a private detective. Or at least he's probably a private detective. Either way, she's put a tail on Toby.
That was probably the private investigator that Spencer's parents hired to spy on Melissa. #pll— Daisy Alvarado (@daayzee) January 30, 2013
Ezra is a great crier. Unfortunately, he was crying because he was leaving Aria for an indeterminate amount of time to go meet and spend QT with his kid. "We'll talk soon, OK?" is not exactly what you want to hear from your long-term boyfriend as he's walking away. He says they're OK, but he's leaving! Nooo! Someone pass the tissues.
We paused so you don't have to
We don't want you to miss a thing, so we made sure to jot down the conversation that was written in the notebook. Here it is, in the order the pages were shown in the episode.
Ali: Can I use your phone? Mine literally picked the worst day to die.
Cece: Mine's dead too, not that I'd let you use it.
Ali: Scared I'd steal one of your boy toys away?
Cece: You wish.
Ali: Ugh, 2 hours to go and no technology.
Cece: So ... talk to me. Did you get a chance … Beach Hottie about it yet?
Ali: About what?
Cece: Um, I don't know, maybe that thing you were freaking out about yesterday?
Ali: No! And you better not say anything to anyone. I mean it.
Cece: You need to tell the Beach Hottie.
Ali: No way. He'll freak out.
Cece: Did he take the bait?
Ali: Not even. He tried to tell me it wasn't him. He got all pissy and told me he couldn't possibly have sent them. That they check your mail before it leaves or whatever. I guess they want to make sure those babies aren't crying home to their mommies. I'm sure there are ways around it though. Can you believe he even tried to blame it on his blind sister? It was so pathetic. Like she didn't learn her lesson the first time.
Cece: So that's it? Think he got the message?
Ali: … you like want to see my life end?
Cece: Stop being so dramatic. And by the way, he will find out.
Ali: I'll figure something out. So can we just drop it? It will all work out … when has it not?
Cece: You are seriously crazy.
Ali: What are you?! My mom? I said drop it. You are totally killing my vibe. Like it isn't bad enough we have to sit in this car listening to my dad's record collection.
Cece: Seriously. Is he like permanently stuck in the 60s or just trying to relive the glory days?
Ali: Do you see the shirt he's wearing? I'd say it's permanent ☺
Cece: Help me forget we are like a hundred miles away. What ever happened with that kid you thought was bothering you?
Ali: Let's just say I made myself clear.
Cece: So you went to visit him? In juvie? You have got to be kidding me. The guy who like blinded that girl or whatever?
Ali: Or whatever. Yea.
Cece: Oh my god. Why?!
Ali: To straighten him out. He totally thought he could mess with me from behind bars. Like I wouldn't know it was him? He belongs in that cage for being so stupid.
Cece: Well, what's it like? I … watch that show "Oz." Any bad boy cuties?
Ali: As if. It's tot"
[Turns to the page from earlier. After "Think he got the message?"]
Ali: Who knows. He tried to act tough, told me he'd offer his services to whoever was writing them. Like anyone would have a purpose for a loser like him.
Cece: Do you think you'll have to go back if they don't stop?
Ali: … That security guard totally … on my a** for a … when he was patting me down … like an hour each way. I could … totally gotten my nails done in that time. I'm over it.
Cece: Speaking of nails, think Jason will like my new color?
Ali: Honey, unless you have weed between your nails, I don't think Jason will notice.
Cece: Ew, gross.
Ali: What? I'm just kidding.
Who is the "Beach Hottie"? Just because we know Wilden was in Cape May doesn't mean he was hooking up with Ali.
What's up with Paige? Is she cheating on Emily, or is there something else going on there?
How long will it take for Spencer to tell her friends the truth?
Are Aria and Ezra done? Can't be. I refuse to accept it. Ezria for life!
Where has Jenna been this season?
As always, who's pulling the strings? We know Mona and Toby are on Team A, but I believe they're not at the top of this scheming totem pole.
This show is the reason I cross the street when I see someone in a black hoodie #pll— Annie Grace (@ItssAnnitaaa) January 30, 2013
Watch the full episode:
"Pretty Little Liars" airs Tuesdays at 8 PM on ABC Family.