Two Women Traveling in the Middle East and How to Go Wrong, Very Wrong

The author (left) and her friend Courtney in abayas at the Grand Mosque (Photo: Tara Palmeri)

On Christmas day I was rejoicing over a major travel coup. I scored a round trip non-stop flight from New York City to Abu Dhabi for $277. Because of a “glitch” on the Etihad website, my friend Courtney and I were destined to ride camels in the desert, attend bougie beach parties, and shop at massive malls — for about the price of a shuttle flight to Boston.

Or so we thought.

Abu Dhabi has long been touted as the cosmopolitan capital of the Middle East, known for its extravagance and booming nightlife. Advertisements for the region paint the picture of a trendy place where Westerners can freely sunbathe during the day and dance all night.

As it turned out, our experience couldn’t have been further from that.

Courtney and I had booked everything in advance, including five-star hotels in Dubai and Abu Dhabi for the shockingly low rates of about $160 per night. We bought tickets to see Dubai’s Burj Khalifa — the tallest building in the world — as well a desert excursion. Before we took off, we made sure to check on the customs, too. We were told to always carry a scarf and book two separate beds in our hotel room, so there might not be a sniff of homosexuality.

In hindsight, I realize that all of our travel tips came from men. None of our female friends had ventured there. As two western women, we weren’t prepared for what to expect.

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The author at Roberto Cavalli’s Dubai nightclub. (Photo: Tara Palmeri)

There were little hints of sexism. When it came to the beach, booking a lounge bed for two women at the posh Saadiyat Beach Club in Abu Dhabi was a no-no. They could only be reserved for a male and female couple. Even at Roberto Cavalli’s international nightclub in Dubai, Courtney and I lasted for 30 minutes after being approached by a handful of men who all asked if we were “free.” After one tried to kiss me, I bolted for the door. We wore sleeveless dresses with hemlines at mid thigh, thinking that to get past the doorman at an internationally renowned club you would need to be dressed fashionably. (I later learned from a local that Cavalli is where you go “to earn back your vacation” as most of the women at the bar are prostitutes.)

But that discomfort we felt in the nightclub didn’t compare to the panic and fear that followed the next night in Abu Dhabi.

On the third day of our trip, while walking on the street in a hotel zone from one luxury hotel to another, Courtney and I were harassed by a local man in a traditional white veil and white robe. The 40-something pulled up slowly next to us in a Lexus SUV, rolled down his windows and rubbed his fingers together to suggest “how much,” while staring at us like we were pieces of meat.

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In a floor-length dress in Abu Dhabi. (Photo: Tara Palmeri)

Courtney and I, both in floor-length dresses, had dressed more conservatively than the night before in Dubai because we heard Abu Dhabi was more traditional. I wore a high-cut, sleeveless dress, along with a scarf to cover my shoulders. But this man would not let up. We yelled at him to leave us alone, but he kept following us, licking his lips and rubbing his fingers together.

“We’re not hookers!” I screamed. “We’re just on vacation!”

Courtney picked up a brick in a panic to threaten him in case he came closer. He followed us off the main road to the Traders hotel, where we hoped to get help. While we searched for security, he valeted his car to find us. No one in the hotel would help. Security saw the man and did nothing. We ran out of the hotel and jumped in a cab, explaining to the driver that we were being stalked and needed to lose the man in the Lexus behind us. But no luck, our driver wouldn’t speed up. He seemed to be ignoring our pleas, like the workers in the hotel.

We were followed for the entire 20-minute drive back to our hotel in downtown Abu Dhabi. The man drove beside our taxi, rolled down his windows and kept rubbing his fingers together and licking his lips. Courtney considered turning her phone off airplane mode to call the police, but we didn’t know the emergency number. (For future reference, 999 is the emergency number in Abu Dhabi.) We whispered to each other with our backs glued to the seats that maybe the taxi driver was in cahoots with the local and planned to pull over and sell us to him.

When we finally arrived at our hotel, the stalker pulled up behind us. We ran through the front doors and past the concierge, where I yelled that a man was following us and to not give him our room number. We raced to the elevator, then to our room, shut the door, and started to fight.

Instead of comforting each other during a shared traumatic experience, we felt shame. I blamed Courtney for wearing a v-neck dress. She shot back that he seemed to be following me, not her. And we blamed each other for provoking it. The truth is we weren’t prepared for the cultural disparity. We both agreed that we shouldn’t have traveled without a man and then discussed skipping our Desert Safari experience to leave early. After all, it didn’t feel safe out there for two western women. The decision to wear a hot black blanket in the Arabian sun suddenly made sense to me. That long black robe is a security blanket that protects women.

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Courtney (left ) and the author on a desert excursion. (Photo: Tara Palmeri)

Courtney and I agreed to stick it out. The following day we embarked on an incredible desert safari experience where we rode camels, raced on four wheelers, sand surfed, and ate hummus and tabouleh under the stars while a belly dancer moved her body in a mesmerizing and overtly sexual way.

That week, just a few hundred miles away in Saudi Arabia, “The Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice” arrested 17 young people for drinking at a “mixed party.” The women were found in “compromising positions,” according to Gulf News. Maybe we seemed like silly western women because of the way we panicked in Abu Dhabi, but we felt powerless in a male dominated culture.

To gain some perspective from the experience, I spoke to travel experts about what I did right and what I did wrong and how to feel comfortable traveling in an Arabic country. N.F. Parker, an expert on travel to the Middle East, said that women should always carry a headscarf and wear loose clothing that covers the arms and legs.

When asked why we were stalked walking in the hotel area he explained: “It’s not socially acceptable for a woman to walk around at night but it’s perfectly safe. The police are very effective and the courts are very strict.”

He recommended that two women traveling alone should have booked separate hotel rooms, to be safe, as should a woman is traveling with her boyfriend. “Homosexuality is a criminal offense, as is sexual relations with anyone who is not your husband.”

To be respectful, Parker also said that a non-Muslim should never buy or touch a Qur’an.

Another cultural no-no that would have never crossed my mind: it’s considered extremely rude to allow a woman to go ahead of a man through a door. And expressing admiration for someone else’s possession means you’re asking for it as a gift.

But NYU professor Deborah L. Williams, who teaches at the Abu Dhabi campus, said she was shocked by my experience. She said Westerners don’t have to walk on eggshells to feel comfortable in the Emirates.

“The idea is to dress respectfully,” Williams said. “That often means for me that if I wear short sleeves, I wear a longer skirt or trousers; if I’m wearing a shorter skirt, I wear a long-sleeve tunic.”

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