An Open Briefing for President Obama: How to Travel With Teen Daughters

The first family arrives for their two-week vacation in Kailua, Hawaii. (AP Photo/Eugene Tanner)

Dear President Obama:

You’re on vacation! In Hawaii! This is going to be awesome!

Not so much?

As the mother of two teen girls, I couldn’t help but smile when I read in the New York Times that “as a father, [you] potentially face a test on the home front: A two-week family vacation with teenage daughters.”

No problem, Mr. President. I may not know much about North Korea except that I had no desire to see The Interview. I’m not up on military lingo or net neutrality. But traveling with teenage girls? Hell, yeah. I’ve got you covered.

But just to make sure you understood my how-to guide to vacationing en familie, I’ve divided it into categories that should be familiar to you. Why the Timesdidn’t explain it this way, I have no clue, especially as the paper of record supposedly knows a little bit about you.

So, here’s my briefing.

Torture

President Obama spend some vacation time away from his daughters with some golf in Kailua. (AP Photo/Jacquelyn Martin)

At least based on what I observed in the movie Unbroken last night, torture requires intent. Your daughters are not intending to torture you or even ruin your idyllic family vacation when they say, “Dad, Hawaii is so 2009. Gawd.” Nor are they using enhanced interrogation techniques when they ask, “How much longer do we have to swim with these dolphins, anyway?” The eye rolls? A little gesture of daughterly affection. Think of it like my dad used to explain it to me: If they didn’t love you, they wouldn’t try to make you miserable.

Immigration

During your presidency, you’ve taken a pretty big stand on immigration, especially on allowing some undocumented folks to stay in the U.S. Your daughters agree with your position on the issue, with one exception: They don’t get why anyone wants to come here, because they want to move to a foreign country. If you wake up on vacation to wonder why the hell you ever brought them to this island paradise, you might suggest that they pick a spot in South America and then sign them up to be mini-ambassadors for the next several years. (While you’re at it, maybe you could find some diplomatic posts for my two teen girls? Remember, they’re always nicer to other people than they are to their parents.) Bonus: You and Michele can have some peace and quiet. I see you. You’re smiling. Just do it.

Related: Tips for a Perfect Family Vacation in Paris That Won’t Bore Your Kids or You

Filibuster

No matter what the Senate does, the filibuster lives on with the family. (AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite)

The Senate might have passed a rule change last year, eliminating this procedural roadblock for most judicial nominees, but Malia and Sasha did not get the memo. Expect protracted arguments about whether to sit under the palm tree or in the sun, how to slice a pineapple, and whether hula dancing is dignified behavior for a father, much less a President. As they are the daughters of two Harvard-educated lawyers, anticipate that they will bring up your tiara-wearing activities last week. The good news: If Michele votes with you, you’re two on two, but beware: Teen girls are skilled at blackmail (think the much-maligned Secret Service agents who follow them around).

Secret Service

Just accept the fact that the girls will be keeping secrets on this trip. (AP Photo/Pablo Martinez Monsivais)

Speaking of the Secret Service, keep in mind that teen girls consider it service to their demographic to keep secrets. About everything. Remember back when you would not tell the press whether Malia went to the prom with a boy? That was because you didn’t actually know. Nor will you know just how much that new bikini cost or on which hole of the golf course last night’s party took place (no, not the wedding for the military couple – that got moved for your golf game). Don’t worry, though; back when Michele was a teenage girl, she undoubtedly kept secrets from her parents, too, and look how well she turned out.

Related: A 12-Year-Old’s Expert Tips on How to Book a Family Cruise

Taxes

It’s not just you. Teen girls require a lot of maintenance. Whereas you might use federal tax income to build interstate highways or buy some good stuff for the Smithsonian, your own personal salary on vacation is going to go to pedicures (necessary for any beach outing), roaming plans (you can’t expect them to be away from their friends for two weeks without hourly check-ins), sparkly flip-flops (how else will the surfer dudes notice them?), virgin daiquiris (duh – the ultimate in sophistication), and young adult dystopian novels (so that they escape into another world at a moment’s notice).

Democracy

Let the girls win, Mr. President. At least you still get to be here. (AP Photo/Jacquelyn Martin)

You might be the head of the greatest free nation in the world, but a vacation with teen girls is not a democracy. That one person, one vote concept? Indefinitely suspended. On vacation, they’ll be in charge of your happiness, whether you like it or not. Sure, you can tell them to get with the program, but then they’ll just pout and make you wish you’d never put your foot down. You can ground them, but then you’ll hear for months about how you ruined their teenage lives. On vacation, for the sake of family harmony, let your teen girls call the shots.

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Veto power

Still not willing to let Malia and Sasha take charge of all things vacation? Well, the President does have that veto power thing. To keep the vacation going without significant interruption (you think those Hawaiian volcanoes are hot and loud when they erupt? Try crossing a teen girl), use sparingly. As in, only when they tell you that they’re going parasailing with no life jackets, because where’s the thrill otherwise? Or when they suggest that you get into the tank to swim with the sharks. You already do that enough in your day job. You shouldn’t have to do it on vacation, too.

Spying

This is a tough call. For my part, I require my teen girls to give me their passwords to everything, including their phones, computers, and social media accounts. You, on the other hand, have the NSA. Use at your own discretion.

Find this handbook helpful? If you need me in your Cabinet, Mr. President, I’ll be there with bells on. Just order me a suit of armor, delegate curfew enforcement to me, and call me the Secretary of This Too Shall Pass.

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