The Glowing Bio Bay of San Juan: A Trip Every Couple Should Take — BEFORE They Marry!
The Glowing Bay (Photo: Flickr/Jimsideas)
Over Memorial Day my friend Abra and I went down to San Juan for a little rest, relaxation, and research. I had never been to Puerto Rico before but was fascinated with the natural phenomenon of the bio bay, one of the 7 Natural Wonders You Must See Before You Die.
Come on — the water glows like aliens! And I love aliens. It’s like fireflies have gone swimming the water. (In the interest of scientific accuracy, it’s actually tiny self-illuminating plankton.) And bonus: just in case Jaws was lurking (a constant fear for someone who grew up in Ohio), I’d at least get to see it before it attacked and my last thought would probably be, “Oh cool, Jaws” instead of “AAAACK! JAWS!” And who doesn’t want to go down peacefully?
So, naturally, the first night we landed in San Juan, I informed Abra that, instead of checking out a cool restaurant, bar, or shopping, we were going to the Laguna Grande Bio Bay in Fajardo.
(See also: San Juan Travel Guide — Everything Your Need to Know)
To take us there, we joined The Glowing Bay Adventure group (Motto: “Come and live an (sic) unique experience. Paddle through the night and let the water glow on you.” Obviously, I had to go).
“Why not?” Abra said, dressed in jeans and a silk shirt.
“You might want to change,” I said, “You apparently get really wet.”
“It’ll be okay,” Abra said. “How wet can we get? We’re not swimming.”
We got very, very wet.
We arrived at the dock area and there were around five companies taking groups of around thirty people out — at two people a boat, that was fifteen boats and a lot of commotion.
Miguel, our guide, informed us that: “You must go slow and in a single file. Please follow the instructor. Do not get out of your kayak. Once you get to the far side of the first bay and we start going through the mangrove forest you can’t ask to go back. There are no anacondas. There are no sharks. Nothing will attack you. But yes it will be very dark — that is good. It is better to see the bioluminescence that way.”
The Mangrove Forest (Photo: Getty Images)
A couple of people freaked out and one woman said, “Well, I can’t kayak!” to which Miguel responded, “You paddle, see? It isn’t so hard, but if you don’t think you can make it, don’t go. Please.” She went. Miguel slowly and carefully went through the kayak rules of how to paddle and reminded everyone: “Remember: you paddle together. So whoever is in back follow the person in fronts lead. Please put some bug spray on now.”
Being terrified of mosquitos (even more so than Jaws), he didn’t have to ask me twice, but half the group ignored this advice.
With the exception of three women and five Indian men and Abra and me, the entire group consisted of couples. Some married, some not — almost all of whom were about to hit the relationship test of a lifetime.
(See Also: Bill Murray Wants You to Travel the World BEFORE You Get Married)
There was the Type A couple, who, although there were several kayaks in front of them, every time Miguel said, “Single file, let’s go,” they freaked out and tried to bullrush the front of the line. With a sigh, long-suffering Miguel had to repeat: “Please. Single file. Really I mean it this time.”
Then there was the Controlling Dude, who, while we were negotiating our way through the windy mangrove forest to get to the Bio Bay, freaked out on his girlfriend the entire time.
“Goddamit Beth! I said Right, left! Not left, right!” he screamed.
“Honey we’re headed for the trees…” she’d say right before they slammed into a mangrove.
Kayaking (AP Photo/Herminio Rodriguez)
There were the Bumpers who thought it was hilarious to bump everybody like they were in an amusement park and kept getting tangled in the mangrove roots, got rescued, only to get re-tangled five minutes later.
When we finally reached the Bio Bay 45 minutes later, half the group wasn’t talking to each other. I think Type A were about to divorce because they ended up second in line as opposed to first.
(See Also: #RealTravel: The Anniversary Trip That Gave My Wife the Surprise of a Lifetime)
But we made it — and as we floated around Laguna Grande, with our paddles lighting up the water, I knew it was worth it.
"Dip your hands in,” Miguel soothed, “You can capture some of the luminescence on your skin and you will glow for a second.”
He was right. It was magical, eerie and … I felt like if I’d have ever done LSD, this is what it would have been like.
“Crazy times getting out here,” I said to Miguel.
“Oh you should see some of the things that go on here,” Miguel laughed. “People start crying and really freaking out in the dark. Couples get in huge fights and some people just don’t listen. You say, ‘Don’t stand up in the boat,’ so they stand up. Then they fall in and get angry. We always lose a couple of people in the mangroves every time. They don’t follow direction and then get stuck in the roots. They have to be helped out. Then they do it again five seconds later.”
"Like (The Bumpers)? I asked.”
“Yep.”
“Can you swim in here? Because that would really be amazing,” I said, with visions of Blue Lagoon on bio charge flipping through my mind.
“No, if you disturb or pollute it in anyway, the luminescence goes away. The Bio Bay in Vieques is having problems right now. You have to give it a breather and it will come back. Hopefully.”
[Ed note: Miguel’s talking about Vieques’ Mosquito Bay, the (usually) more intense and famous Puerto Ricos’s three bioluminescent wonders. Due to wave action or pollution, the plankton have gone dark, and tours are drastically limited. Luckily Laguna Grande is not affected.]
An artistic interpretation of the Bio Bay awesomeness. Actual photos are tough to take. (Photo: Akue/Flickr)
Ten minutes later, we were on our way back. But this time it was pitch black out, and no one had headlamps. Even worse — there were other tours coming in as we were trying to leave, creating logjams and full-on collisions in the narrow river back to the docks.
Defensive driving skills works well here — sadly, not many people had them, just flopping about in a kayak.
Five crashes, eight fights and 30 minutes later, our group arrived back on shore, sopping wet and exhilarated… well, some of us were. Some were probably thinking of breaking up.
Here’s what you need to know before Bio Bay-ing.
1. Eat. Before you board, order some delicious chicken pinchos (meat on a stick) but #FunCact: remember to annunciate the “n” — do NOT order pichos… which is the word for a stick-like man meat.
Pinchos (Photo: Flickr/Nodame)
2. Bring a change of clothes. You will get wet. Do not wear jeans. Wet jeans are no fun. Especially if you are going to dinner afterwards at a lovely restaurant in Old San Juan. Abra was convinced afterwards that she had bio luminescence growing her in her warm, soggy jeans. Thankfully, she did not.
Change of clothes for dinner (Photo: Getty Images)
3. Do not forget bug spray. And by bug spray I mean 100-percent DEET. You are not the only thing working up an appetite out on the water. Half of our group who disregarded Miguel’s warning to spray up beforehand were eaten alive as they paddled to the neon.
4. DO NOT BOOK THROUGH YOUR HOTEL. I did and suffered a thousand percent mark up. The trip was $49.99 per person. I can’t even begin to tell you the fury I went through when I saw what the hotel concierge had charged us for the pleasure of booking through my hotel’s concierge.
Want more like this? Follow us on Facebook and Twitter so that we can inspire you every day.
