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Ambien Zombies Take Over the Plane (Part 2)

September 17, 2015

Betty“ is a real-life flight attendant who has had enough.

One of the biggest problems Betty faces on the plane is the new wave of Ambien zombies. In their real lives, these are probably nice, normal people who just want to get a little sleep on an airplane. They choose to take Ambien for the first time on a big metal tube hurtling through the sky and throw back a couple of cocktails. The result is a horde of lumbering, slumbering zombie passengers wreaking havoc on the airplane. Part One of Betty’s dispatch on Ambien Zombies was so well received, we’re bringing you part two. 

(Courtesy: Thinkstock)

It’s Like a Crime Scene in Here

I was in the back galley of a flight from Los Angeles to New Orleans when I heard a noise like a watermelon hitting the pavement.  I spun around and there was blood everywhere.  I honestly thought someone had been shot!  

I paged for a medical professional. A nurse helped us clean him up and bandage his head the best we could. 

It turned out the guy had been hung-over hadn’t eaten all day then took an Ambien. 

An Overly Friendly Zombie

She was a disheveled looking woman in her 50s. I saw her staggering to get up and rushed over to her. It was clear that she was asleep. She falls down. I grab her under the armpits and pick her up to walk her to the bathroom. When we make it to the lavatory she giggles and shuts the door on her hand. When she comes out she is a woman on a mission.

"I"m going to find him,” she slurs.  

“What?” I ask her. She begins to lumber down the aisle.

At row 10, she stops. “It’s him.” She climbs into the flat seat of the passenger in first class and lays on top of him. He is horrified. I panic and pull her off. “That’s not him,” I reprimand her.

At row nine she does it again. "It’s him. It’s him.“ She does this with every man in the next row, more sure each time that this time, it is him.

When we get to row two, I slide her into the chair next to her husband. "This is him,” I tell her. “I promise.”

“I Would Never….”

On a recent night flight to Santiago, Chile the male purser saw a first-class passenger, naked as a jay bird, wandering around the plane. He got him back to his seat and thought that was the end of it. That is never the end of it.

Thirty minutes later the same guy was naked again. This time he was peeing onto his seat … right onto the clothes he had just taken off. He put his clothes back on, but in his zombie state he didn’t realize those clothes were soaked with urine.

The next morning the passenger looked totally normal (even though he didn’t smell that great) and the purser decided to tell him about his bad behavior. The passenger became incredibly indignant: "I would never take my clothes off on the airplane how dare you say that to me!“ 

The male purser stayed calm as he replied: "How do your clothes feel?" 

"My clothes are kinda stiff,” the passenger said as he touched his shirt.

“That’s because you peed all over them!”

Want more Betty, more zombies? Check out part one of Attack of the Ambien Zombies right now!