How to Tick Off a Texan in 13 Simple Steps
Texas pride. (Photo: Thinkstock)
It’s fun being a Texan travel writer. People love to love or hate Texas, even if they have never been here. And that is where the problem lies. You cannot judge a place by its reputation, its history — or even a TV show. Misperceptions and generalizations will get you in trouble with the locals almost anywhere, but it’s worse in Texas.
Nobody dislikes being typecast more than a Texan does. We are a friendly bunch, as a rule, laughing at your silly Western-movie concept of our state. But there are a few things that just rip our shorts.
Here are the top 13 things to avoid when you visit the Lone Star State:
1. Insult our pickup trucks.
What did you say about my pickup truck? (Photo: Thinkstock)
In some cases, that’s an insult to our occupation; in all cases, it’s an insult to our chosen way of life. Our pickup trucks move man and beast, tools and toys. Chances are very good that the truck you are insulting cost more than whatever car you are driving. Add the value of the four-horse trailer, the RV, or speed boat it’s towing and the combination may be worth more than your house.
2. Assume we all drive pickup trucks, own horses and cows, or have oil wells in our backyards.
Having defended our love affair with the almighty truck let me say that we do not all drive them. It’s exactly those kinds of generalizations that get under our skin. We do not all own tractors (even though secretly we all wish we did), we don’t all carry guns, and some of those wells in our yards are gas wells, not oil.
Related: How to P*ss Off a New Yorker in 12 Easy Steps
3. Disrespect our law enforcement officers.
We have city police (pronounced PO-leece), county sheriffs, state troopers, and the famed Texas Rangers, who do just about everything, including apprehending wanted felons. Our law enforcement officers are a source of pride in this state. We treat them like heroes. Don’t get me wrong. We have our share of corruption like the rest of you, but we prefer to handle these things our own way. That’s why we have the Rangers.
4. Come here and complain about the heat, lack of public transportation, and the people you think are dimwits.
No, we’re not all dimwits. (Photo: Thinkstock)
We’ll be happy to help you find a state to visit that doesn’t mind whiners. Oh, but wait, then you’d miss our comfortable winters, our wide-open spaces crisscrossed by one of the best highway systems in the country, and that job you’re considering taking at the Space-X test facility in McGregor. Yup, that Elon Musk loves hanging with Texas dimwits.
5. Visit only the big cities and think you have seen Texas.
The real beauty of the state lives and breathes just beyond Dallas, Houston, San Antonio, and Austin. Hit the road to find fun university towns like Lubbock, San Angelo, and College Station. We have beach towns like Galveston and Corpus Christi. The smell of barbecue drifts through small towns like Lockhart, Stephenville, and Clifton. And the best steaks in the state hit the grill at Perini Ranch in tiny Buffalo Gap. We have mountains, waterfalls, lakes, and even lighthouses, but you’ve got to get out of town in order to see them.
Related: 12 Ways to P*ss Off a Nebraskan
6. And while we are on the subject of Texas cities…
Remember this guy? (Photo: Anders Adermark/Flickr)
If you really want to get someone from Dallas on your bad side, ask them about J.R. Ewing and Dallas, the TV show that should never have been resurrected from the 1980’s. Just let it go.
7. Order your steak “black and blue” or “Pittsburgh” style.
Seriously people? Trust us. We know how to cook a steak. Been doing it since before there was indoor plumbing. That sort of pre-dates the whole foodie thing, so don’t walk into a Texas steak house and use some term concocted by people who have never even seen a cow.
8. Think there is nothing worth seeing in the Panhandle.
First, let me explain what is not obvious to outsiders: the northernmost portion of the state is the rectangular-ish shape bordered by Oklahoma and New Mexico. This area is NOT North Texas. It’s the Panhandle. North Texas is Dallas-Fort Worth. Most outsiders give little thought to visiting the Panhandle. It sort of falls in with those fly-over/drive-thru states like Oklahoma, Kansas, and Nebraska, where you wrongly assume there’s nothing more than flat land and farm boys. But it just so happens that the country’s second largest canyon is right outside of Amarillo.
Related: How to P*ss Off Someone From San Francisco
9. Make fun of our accents.
Hi y’all! (Photo: Thinkstock)
Excuse me? We happen to be the second most populous state in the country. Unless you live in California, we outnumber the residents of your state by more than double in most cases. Doesn’t that mean that y'all are the ones with the accents?
10. Make fun of country music.
We might make fun of it ourselves, but don’t think it’s proper for you to join in. Make fun of Miranda Lambert, who hails from the tiny town of Lindale, and you will quickly be ushered to the Louisiana border. And to set the record straight: the 65,000 people who packed the Academy of Country Music Awards Show in AT&T Stadium on Sunday were not all Texans.
11. Assume we all like country music.
Let’s revisit the subject of not lumping us into one redneck pile. We are not all country music fanatics. We have symphonies, operas, and talented musicians like 18 year-old J.T. Hassell, who just accepted his invitation to continue his piano studies at the Peabody Conservatory. Those folks in Baltimore know talent when they see it and don’t even care that he’s from the Texas Panhandle. See how that whole farm boy stereotype is falling apart?
Related: How to P*ss Off a Las Vegan
12. Start a conversation with the biggest Texas headlines that pop into your head.
A painting of President George W. Bush, which hangs in the National Portrait Gallery. (Photo: Cliff/Flickr)
Okay, we have had our moments. The Kennedy assassination, David Koresh in Waco, and George W. Bush in the White House may have shaped us, but they do not define us. Trust me when I say that almost any discussion about religion or politics is dangerous territory for an outsider. Our brand of both is not what you most likely think it is.
13. Assume we all root for the Dallas Cowboys.
We actually have two NFL teams, people. Three NBA teams, two Major League Baseball teams, and a hockey team round out the list of pro sports. But generally, Texans spend more time rooting for their local high school teams or their college alma mater than the professionals. You remember Friday Night Lights, right? That’s us. Well, at least some of us. No point drawing conclusions based on a movie turned TV show.
WATCH: How to P*ss Off the Locals in Mexico
Let Yahoo Travel inspire you every day. Hang out with us on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest. Check out our original adventure travel series A Broad Abroad.
