How to Pull Off the Ultimate Redneck Road Trip
Every summer, my sister Emily and I travel to Cincinnati, Ohio, and northern Kentucky to visit with our dad (“Daddy”), Aunt Dee, Uncle Jimmy, and various cousins. We call it our annual Redneck Road Trip — a title that is a little misleading these days as Daddy, Aunt Dee, and Uncle Jimmy are all pushing some serious seniority these days, and driving with them is mildly terrifying (Aunt Dee: “I’m probably not gonna get my driver’s license renewed next year. Heck, I shouldn’t have gotten it renewed last time. You know I have macular degeneration and can’t see anything, but that girl at the DMV was just so sweet — she went on ahead and gave it to me anyway!”). Daddy hasn’t been able to move his neck since he “lost his sex drive” (a direct quote) and relies on “God sightings” to tell him if there’s a cop around, while Uncle Jim, well, he doesn’t like to discriminate between lanes. As in, he will drive down both of them at the same time, no matter if it’s a four-lane highway or two.
So, we’ve had to modulate our trips. Where once we took off for the Red River Gorge, Dollywood, or Mammoth Caves without a second thought, we now have to get creative and stick a little closer to home.
And because we have so much fun — even if we can’t drive so much anymore — I bring you the Rules of a Redneck Road Trip:
1. Always have someone pick you up at the airport in a uniform.
Daddy is partial to picking us up at the airport — and, due to his excitement, he will sometimes wait for over an hour at the top of the escalator by the baggage claim section at CVG airport just to make sure he gets the first glimpse of Emily and me coming off our planes. He always wears his summer “uniform” of either a golf shirt or a short-sleeved button-down with a pen in the second buttonhole, pleated khaki shorts belted right at his bellybutton (no matter that it shows off his belly), mid-calf white socks pulled all the way up, and a nice sturdy pair of ecru Rockport Walkers. (Note: His winter “uniform” is basically the same; just add long pants and a jacket.)
2. Enjoy the scenery.
This house in northern Kentucky is one of my favorites — I mean, come on: It has a race car over the front porch and traffic cones in the yard! We pass it every time on the way home from the airport and it just starts the trip off right.