Belized to Meet Ya: Central America’s Sexiest Secret Beach
By Chris Bunting
Peek-a-booing out of a far western pocket of the Caribbean, Belize’s Ambergris Caye is like the shy kid whose older brother gets a DUI and whose underage sister gets knocked up — all of a sudden he’s the golden child for just basically sitting there, doing nothing.
It’s true, the Central American country’s largest island — just a 20-minute prop-plane hop northeast of the mainland on Tropic Air — is surrounded by at-risk siblings.
Guatemala, Honduras, Mexico — across the hall are all sorts of narco-trafficking, kidnappings, slavery, and head-removal shenanigans. (Remember cartels? They have table manners just slightly better than ISIS.)
Even Belize’s gang-poxed former capital, Belize City, has cracked the world’s “highest murder rate” Top 10 in recent years.
But beachy, mangrovey, 25-mile-long, mile-wide Ambergris is quiet as a mouse. The most danger you’ll encounter in bustling, 13,000-soul San Pedro, the caye’s only town, is getting your foot run over by a tipsy driver on a golf cart (the main form of transport). I apologize in advance.
Parasailing in Belize is the most fun you can have sitting down. (Photo: Las Terrazas Resort & Residences)
Ah, what a difference a barrier reef makes — barrier being the operative word — and calling it home has other perks, too, like insane diving ops, attracting all sorts of snorkel-faced expats.
Not to mention a reality show or two. Do you think Fox would’ve filmed Season 1 of “Temptation Island” just anywhere? I think not.
Here’s how to do one of Central America’s most temptation-filled secret beaches.
STAY: The big sleep
Dusk descends on Las Terrazas. (Photo: Conch Creative)
There’s no wrong answer to where to lay stakes on Ambergris. In San Pedro, you’ll find gobs of budget, beach bum-friendly hostels and such, but we recommend going a few miles north outside the city to the ritzy, ocean-fronting Las Terrazas Resort (from $299), sitting on a private beach a quick water taxi away from the airport.
Centerpieced by a ledged 70-foot palm-lined pool that you can indecisively lay in and lay out of at the same time, its 37 very white, very granite-infused and very high-ceilinged “townhouses” range in size from 1,000 to over 3,000 square feet; villas fusing beach mode with beast mode.
Warning: The overachieving in-room A/C can make Winter Storm Neptune seem like a penguin fart.
PLAY: Hole lotta fun
Belize’s Great Blue Hole is exactly what it claims to be. (Photo: Getty Images/National Geographic)
Make exhaustive use of Las Terrazas’ excellent activities desk in the open-air lobby.
Out in those waters are all sorts of awesome, from blooming coral to Myrtle, a sea turtle who makes a cameo out in The Elbow dive site every spring.
Belize’s reef is most famous for its Great Blue Hole, a 1,000-foot-wide, 400-foot-deep submarine sinkhole. Hook up a diving trip there, or maybe a morning snorkel outing elsewhere to pet (not a typo) domesticated nurse sharks that appreciate your guide’s chum. White Sands Dive Shop is but a few footprints in the beach away — and they offer prescription masks for four-eyed divers like me.
Otherwise, the waverunning is always excellent, as are daytrips to the mainland for Mayan temple crawls and cave-tubing.
Mellower days paddleboarding, ziplining, parasailing and kayaking are doable, too — they’ll arrange it all, with prices varying.
If you’re jonesin’ for a massage, rubdowns at LT’s onsite Serenity Spa start at $55.
EATS: Your O face
The menu at O changes night to night. (Photo: Conch Creative)
The resort’s onsite O Restaurant is best enjoyed from up on its roof (and its carouselling specials menu can serve up Belizean one night, Asian the next; the Mexican fondue is an interesting fusion).
But do yourself a favor and forgo your “I only eat authentic local cuisine” fascism, at least one night, and opt for their even better outdoor private Tiki barbecue.
You’ll be able to shovel piles of gloopy ribs, chicken, and beans into your gullet like so many landfill tractors — it’s $150 for two people, plus a 25 percent service charge.
DRINKS: Let Willy tap that
In San Pedro, what was once known as Wet Willy’s smokehouse is now much less amusingly called Di V’u.
But it’s still the end-of-the-pier, over-water-squatting, live-music-and-karaoke sound-polluting, fun-even-when-it’s-empty joint Willy intended it to be.
Add your collegiate shirt to the ceiling’s collection, order up a round of Belikins, and when you get the bill, remember it’s two Belizean dollars to every one U.S. I’m no economist, but I think that means you can drink twice as much.
A water taxi DD will get you home safe and sound.
BONUS TIP: Let’s go Jet’s
At the airport in Belize City, where you’ll make your connecting flights to and fro, do stop by Jet’s Bar for a beer.
Clad in oversized polyester collared shirts, sunglasses and always quick with a thumbs-up, Jet’s got the look, swagger, width, and (almost) height of the late Kim Jong-il.
He doesn’t much care for credit cards, and he’s been rumored online to get a bit handsy with the ladyfolk, but deep down he’s just a cool, quirky, Colonel Kurtz kind of character running his own taproom outpost in the far end of the terminal.
Can you believe it even somehow managed to burn down a few years back? Oh … you will.
A photo of him and you might even make his neon signage-filled wall of fame.
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